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Movies that Suck (***New Content added on 1/23/16***)


The Box (2009)

Silly, confusing, way overlong and just plain dumb.  "The Box" is a distended discourse on blind greed and the abject horror of it's aftermath.  And there's aliens from outer space.  At least I think that's what they were at any rate. 

This miserably misguided mess is the quintessential poster child for the wretchedness wrought when a short story is bloated into an almost two-hour endurance test chock-full of characters you couldn't give a crap about. 

Think I may just give Richard Matheson's terse tale "Button, Button" a shot here.  As I certainly should never have done with this dreadful dreck inspired (absent even the most miniscule evidence of the notion) by his work.  

Experimenter (2015)

As soon as Anthony Edwards and Jim Gaffigan strolled on screen together in the first few seconds of "Experimenter", I thought, "Boy, am I gonna like this flick."  Regrettably, as this rudderless and oddly bland movie plodded along, I soon found myself saying, "Boy, when is this torture ever gonna stop?! 

It's not that the subject matter isn't inherently interesting, and that the story, perhaps in hands other than those of Writer/Director Michael Almereyda, would have made for a film most compelling.  It's just that the narrative never created any emotional resonance nor reason to care about anybody involved for me. 

I found Peter Sarsgaard to be almost entirely unengaging as Stanley Milgram, the Ivy League researcher whose unconventional experiments with obedience and conformity generated considerable controversy in the 1960's.  Milgram led paid (though we never learn how much) yet unwary test subjects to believe that they were delivering what they knew could be severely damaging electric shocks to a person they could not see (Gaffigan, a small ray of light in this otherwise hopelessly lost cause) simply because they were instructed to do so.  Sounds intriguing, right?  However, Sarsgaard's performance is so limp and morose that not once was I inspired to neither like nor even admire him.  His Milgram comes off as a thoroughly sad and emotionally stunted soul, completely incapable of meaningfully connecting with anyone, including his own family.  It was nice to see Winona Ryder back at work again (at least I haven't been aware of her in recent years) as Milgram's wife Sasha.  Ryder does what she can in the role, but is primarily relegated to tolerating a man who is as unreachable as he is enigmatic. 

Best not to consider conducting your own research into entertainment value as it pertains to "Experimenter".  You'll find, as did I, virtually none to speak of in it's entirety.

May I suggest more Edwards and Gaffigan next time?

Knock Knock (2015)

I thought I would give the Keanu Reeves vehicle "Knock Knock" a shot. So I did. I now wish to beat hell that I would have shot down this abundantly ill-advised notion the instant it germinated.

This purported thriller was silly, superfluous, banal and just plain bad beyond all reason. There was but a solitary redeeming element in this entire merciless mess for me. And that pertains to the pair of young actresses who starred in the movie upon which this disaster was based, 1977's "Death Game", which I saw, liked and was shaken by for days. "Knock Knock" was Exec Produced by Sondra Locke and features a brief cameo from Colleen Camp, the two women who played the pair of deeply disturbed yet ravishingly beautiful home invaders of a well-to-do suburban family man left all by his lonesome nearly 40 years ago. Why they would tarnish the genuinely terrifying work they delivered then to be part of this trashy tripe is simply beyond me.

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Thistle who?

Thistle be one of, if not the, biggest pieces of crap I will ever have the misfortune of suffering through.

The Village (2004)

This is the one that did it. Having finally seen 2004's "The Village" I can now endow confirmation. This is the abomination that killed M. Night Shyamalan's career.

Never in the history of recorded time has any movie been more massively marketed to the masses. And never has any film been more of a miserable disappointment. A thriller devoid of even a mild buzz. A mystery with a dreadfully dumb and barely comprehensible solution. The waste of a cast so impressive the hope is that they were all paid handsomely for their parts in such an appallingly hopeless cause.

The only possible point to be extracted from this wretched wreck could conceivably be, in the words of that classic comic strip philosopher Pogo, "We have met the enemy and he is us."  But even that is stretching it.

Even the ending blows. Chunks. MNS would have been better served (but not by much) to have stuck with the original ending. Google it. And then, if you've seen this feces fest, see if you agree.

Oh, well. At least we'll always have "The Sixth Sense", won't we?

Talk about your one-hit wonders.

Willow Creek (2013)

We already know damn well right where we're headed in the found footage flick "Willow Creek" just as soon as the premise is presented.

Joe Swanberg and Kristina Klebe are a considerable comfort to behold as a curious couple wandering the wilderness in search of "Bigfoot". And they sure as shootin' had oughta be hot, as Bobcat Goldthwaite (yes, that guy), in a daft directorial decision evidently intended to create suspense, at one point in his film trains the camera on the pretty pair for positively one of the most interminable, and uneventful, stretches in cinematic history.

That the entirely predictable payoff is nothing at all noteworthy comes as no shock, as what we have endured leading up to the flaccid finale has fallen feebly short of being even mildly remarkable.

If ever the sensation seizes to scope out this "Sasquatch" saga snore-fest...squash it.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

I recognize that "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" is a stoner comedy. However, in order to qualify as such, is it a prerequisite that the "humor" quotient be almost exclusively based upon homophobia, racial stereotyping, diarrhea and cardboard cutout cop clobbering? Is it some manner of given that this is all inherently funny? Simply because you're baked simple? I wasn't when I suffered through this brainless twaddle. And it wasn't funny.

Count this among yet another critical "hit" against H 'n K's big misadventure. But, hey, you go right on ahead and take another hit there, boys. Maybe your miscreant movie will get funnier.

Only I wouldn't hold your breath.

What We Do in the Shadows (2014)


I despise vampire movies. I loathe over the top forced comedies. "What We Do in the Shadows" is an excruciatingly insufferable over the top lame beyond reason vampire "comedy".

'Nuff said? 

Unfriended (2014)

Over-emoted. Dreadfully acted. Insipidly scripted. Just plain dumb. Are high school kids really this spiteful and insidious toward each other?

The lone and lasting takeaway to be gleaned from "Unfriended" is that if you're gonna pitilessly bully, know that you will pay.

Virtually or otherwise.

Area 51 (2015)

Three intrepid young folks infiltrate the titular and alleged secret government alien research center in the found footage flop "Area 51". It's not only that the means by which the kid's crash the rumored crashed outer spacecraft investigation site are preposterously improbable and outright impossible. But then, once perilously ensconced therein, events progressively deteriorate into ludicrously incoherent and utterly incomprehensible.

One thing seems for certain if you've managed to meander to the end of this misguided mess, however.  You may, as inane as it certainly all was, negotiate a way in.  But it sure as hell is not going to be your call navigating the way back out.

If you're to find it at all.

Shampoo (1975)

"Shampoo" is chock full of crummy characters, all of whom are nearly impossible to connect nor identify with on any level.  Warren Beatty heads up what is a helluva cast, actually, as a wretchedly self-absorbed, sex addicted, late '60's southern California hairdresser.  Man, that's a mouthful. 

Too bad his mouth, nor those of the legendary likes of Julie Christie, Goldie Hawn, Jack Weston and Lee Grant didn't have much memorable to say over nearly two hours.  If you wanna see Beatty in a much better movie, check out "The Parallax View".  And for a far better flick featuring the team of Beatty and Warden, treat yourself to "Heaven Can Wait". 

And pooh-pooh to "Shampoo".

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

How does one go about communicating with those of the vast netherworld in the great hereafter? Why with two tins cans and a string, of course. At least that's how it's done according to the insipid premise (among many others) put forth by those who have foisted "Insidious: Chapter 2" upon us. Really, need I say more?

Okay, indulge me. I just gotta add this. Count me among those who simply don't get Patrick Wilson. I mean, the guy can do "creepy" I suppose. But even when he's apparently not trying to?

Out of the Dark (2015)

"Out of the Dark" spins a super strange supernatural story of corporate recklessness in the third world being avenged with extreme prejudice by child zombies. Sound intriguing? It's not. 

Julia Stiles and Scott Speedman scarcely work up to sleepwalking through the motions in this Disneyfied disaster that fails miserably to ever deliver any sort of bite. 

"Out of the Dark" is an utterly disappointing stinker that should just as well have never even seen the light of day. 

Peacock (2010)

Perhaps never has such a sterling cast (we're talking Susan Sarandon, Bill Pullman, David Carradine, Ellen Page...) been so utterly wasted on such a crap movie.   

"Peacock" is a roundly creepy, unpleasant and off-putting effort from start to finish.  There is not a single point of recommendation in this stultifying 90-minute audience endurance test.  Well, okay.  Maybe one.  Cillian Murphy actually kinna makes for a pretty good lookin' chick.  But, then again, if that's all you got goin' for ya... 

"Peacock"?  Poppycock!

Twelve (2010)

While slogging through the poor little lost rich kids on drugs quagmire "Twelve", I found myself progressively in the frame of mind of the late, great Film Critic Gene Siskel.  To wit, would this movie be more interesting if I was watching the cast partaking in and chatting over lunch?  When I at long last withstood this atrocity to the bitter end, I determined, with no reservation, hellyes.
Leave "Twelve" on the shelf.  Behind the potted petunias.  And well out of sight.                   

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

Are there moments that will jar and freak you?  Yeah, sure are.  This granted, is it principally an exercise in silly and over the top supernatural super stupid theatrics?  Again, bingo. 

Still, Anne Ramsay (so wonderful in a completely different turn as Helen Hunt's sister in the sit-com classic "Mad About You") and soap opera icon Jill Larson (as a demon-possessed victim of Alzheimer's who can straight out kick your ass in) try to make "The Taking of  Deborah Logan" something more.  But, alas, there was nothing more that could be done. 
Take this flop.  Please.             

Melinda and Melinda (2004)

The life of a deeply troubled woman (Radha Mitchell) is explored in simultaneous fashion as both a comedy and a tragedy in "Melinda and Melinda".  Some of it is good.  Will Ferrell has a handful of impressionable moments, and Chiwetel Ejiofor is uniformly excellent.  But taken as a whole, this admittedly ambitious Woody Allen effort falls far short of resonating like it certainly could have.  

Ya know how sometimes Woody's projects come off as overly stilted and stagy.  Yeah?  Well, this is one of those times.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)

"The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water".  Jump right back in the sea there, Spongie.  Please

This is a dreadful, unfunny, overlong, disjointed mess.  Even my 6-year-old barely generated a laugh.  And herepresents their prime target demographic audience for chrissake! 

After about the third bathroom bit (literally goingto the bathroom gag), it is painfully clear that this animated franchise has run way past it's course and even further down the road of creative bankruptcy. 

Kill List (2011)

Evil for evil's sake.  The pair of UK hit men are tough to understand in "Kill List" unless you're a Brit (and perhaps even then).  But their lives of violence and savagery speak a universal language that is as timelessly primitive as it is barbaric. 

As one of these despicable chaps progressively loses touch with reality, along with his own humanity, his conduct becomes increasingly vicious and sadistic.  It all builds to culmination with an event so unthinkably heinous and horrific that he completely shatters any salient connection with humanity.  It is an ending as grim and sickening as I've ever seen.

And God help me will ever see.

Megan is Missing (2011)

Vile depravity.  Literally considered, this contemptible compost isn't even supposed to be seen by the teenage audience it's presumably designed to impact with it's NR rating.  But if this is your "thing", then dive right on in to "Megan is Missing".  

For everybody else...miss it. 

Oh.  And never ever consent to meet anyone you know only as a sycophantic voice on the internet in a back alley.

The Mooring (2012)

If consuming an hour and a half of your time on this earth watching high school aged girls get terrorized and hunted through the Idaho wilderness floats your boat, then you may choose to dock up with "The Mooring".  Having done this myself now, how I wish I'd have sailed right past it.  

Thoroughly contemptuous and misogynistic beyond explanation.   

In Fear (2014)

Stylishly shot including some stunning UK country landscape photography.  And that's good.  Because the rest of what is committed to film on "In Fear" is relentlessly stupid and has not one lick of attachment to any manner of sense. 

How do this seriously cerebrally challenged young couple get lost in a seemingly endless forested maze when apparently all about them is flat-as-a-flapjack frontier?  Why is the suggestion of a supernatural element to the preposterous proceedings introduced then never investigated?  How come...oh hellwith it!  The question really is whygo on with this? 

"In Fear"?  Git outta heeeerrrrreeeeee!

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Leo DiCaprio as slime ball stockbroker turned convicted felon Jordan Belfort is pretty damn good in an actor's wet dream of perhaps the ultimate in uninhibited roles.  His portrayal of the morally bankrupt Belfort needs to scale several rungs up the food chain ladder before achieving even that of debased debauchery.  

Much of "The Wolf of Wall Street" will certainly amuse.  Still, the contemptible characters and the vile behavior they overindulge in is so off-putting and repugnant that it is nearly impossible to be entertained by this lurid lesson in "be careful what you whish for...for you will surely GET IT!" as a whole. 

And directorial demigod Martin Scorsese should have known better than to pump up this three-hour extended exercise in gaudy greed at least 30 to 45 minutes longer than it should ever have been.  We pretty much got it after about the third booze soaked, drug fueled, hooker infested orgy there, Marty.   
Draft Day (2014)

A Disneyesque watered down (way water soaked) look at the behind the "War Room" doors manipulation and machinations of college Draft Day in the NFL.  The trades consummated in this farce of a football flick would be grateful to be referred to as only ludicrous.  With absolutely no sputtering of the "s" or "f" words at all (and hardly any "h"s either), this is hardly Howard Cosell-style "telling it like it is" as regards this most pressure cookin' day in America's most lucrative professional sport.  After all, that'd keep the kids away.  And "The League" can't risk potentially eroding recruitment of future season ticket holders now, can they?   

Limp and uninspired performances by all involved (leads Kevin Costner and Jennifer Garner perpetually perform as it they have something better to be doing) make this dud impossible to pack any kind of meaningful impression.  Most egregious of all was casting Dennis Leary as the Cleveland Browns Head Coach.  Cosell himself would have been a more compelling choice. 

And he's dead.  (Sorry, Howie.  RIP.  I'm one who will confess out loud to be a forever fan of "Mr. Humble", buddy). 

The Ledge (2011)

Charlie Hunnam (Cable TV's "Sons of Anarchy") does little more than smirk.  Even when the scene calls for at least a modicum of gravity.  His love interest, Liv Tyler, has an uncanny knack for never altering facial expression nor vocal inflection, so as to challenge the viewer into guessing which emotion it is that she may be striving for.  And Patrick Wilson, while giving it a game effort, can't resist the urge to play it way, way over the top in his role as an unhinged religious zealot. 

Terrence Howard as a cop detective efforting to stop Hunnam's crazy-conflicted character from vacating "The Ledge", and Christopher Gorham as Hunnam's gay roomie, fare best in a movie that barely passes for fair.  In fact, this clunker consistently crawls along precariously perched upon the precipice of altogether slipping into a septic tank of it's own steaming stink.

The Caller (2011)

Incomprehensible time and space bender that could have been good but the filmmakers weren't good enough to make it so.  And all the actors look really tired.  Probably because they were trying to figure out what in the hell the flick they were appearing in was frickin' about!  Cool that it was shot in Puerto Rico though.   

Even with that, make it a hasty hang up on "The Caller".

Gone (2007)

The intent is clear.  The execution is muddled.  Uninspired performances.  Sloppy pace.  And the guy who is supposed to be the ominous psychopath in "Gone" comes across as just a really annoying turd.  Until the end.  And even that is limply anticlimactic.  Going, going...gone.   

Good riddance.

Closer (2004)

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.  And then more talk.  And most of it staggeringly insipid and vacuous.  This is what should keep you far, far away from the joyless treatise on love and sex "Closer". 

Playwright Patrick Marber's script (he also composed the film's screenplay) may have played well on the stage.  But any success his sordid story found before the footlights has been completely trashed in translation on the screen.  

Too bad.  I like Jude Law a lot and Julia Roberts as much as the next guy or gal.  And Natalie Portman is both a vision and a talent.  Regrettably, none of them ever had a chance to shine in this dreadful mess.

Route 9 (1998)

"Route 9" is light-hearted in parts, and jarringly grim in others.  But the film never manages to achieve a satisfying or palatable melding of the two.  

The ultimate message of "the best laid plans", in this case those born of abject greed, rarely ever leading to an ending of rainbows and lollipops has been rehashed so many times.  And with a helluva bunch more punch.  

If you were planning on taking a trip down "Route 9", may I suggest you reroute and grab the next exit you can. 

Dead End (2003)

"Dead End" is a curious horror flick.  The black comedy mostly falls flat (though there are a couple of chuckle worthy zingers).  The dramatic moments also largely lack inspiration, except near the conclusion of the film, where we are witness to sudden and jarring family violence virtually out of nowhere.  

In the end, "Dead End" lives up to it's titular billing.  It's a lifeless road to nowhere.

Irreversible (2002)

Presented in an unorthodox, and initially disorienting, manner playing upon it's title, "Irreversible" is a nearly comprehensive unpleasant viewing experience populated with characters nobody is inspired to care about.  That is, unless it is descending into downright sick.  Take the revenge murder or the brutally vile rape scenes as the two most stark examples.  

Or, actually, don't.   

Having now been subjected to this French film in it's entirety, I am left with but two questions: Why would you make this movie?  And why in the hell would you want to watch it?
The Perfect Host (2010) 

Eureka!  We have finally found it.  "The Perfect Host" is the movie that at long last brings together Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce of TV's "Frazier") and the '70's Aussie pop singer whose pro-chick anthem served as the driving theme song for American women's lib (that's right...Helen Reddy!). 
Pierce stars as a nut-job cop who welcomes a bank robber on the lam into his suburban L.A. home while preparing to host a dinner party.  We gradually learn that his character may or may not also be a serial murderer.  And Reddy, who let's just say is not quite the fetching lass she was "back in the day" (not that there's anything wrong with that), appears only momentarily on screen as his nosy neighbor. 
As it happens, neither one can save this confounding, confusing and illogical exploration of everything from mental illness to torture porn.  The script dictating this absurd plot is mired in far too much coincidence and contrivance to make it either credible or compelling.
"The Perfect Host".  More like the "The Flawed Mess."
You are best served declining this invitation.       

Crooked Hearts (1991)

"Crooked Hearts" is the poster child for a bad movie with the best of intentions.  Waaaay too melodramatic and stagy for it's, or anyone's, good.  

The featured family is more of a suffocating cult.  And when at last we learn all of it's mega mixed-up members deeply dark secrets, they are collectively revealed to be just downright creepy. 

Payday (1972)

If the point of "Payday" was to make you despise everything about it's thoroughly vile central character, has-been country singer Maury Dann (Rip Torn in an utterly bleak and soulless portrayal), then consider it "mission accomplished".  

Hard to recommend this starkly served downer save for perhaps the novelty of witnessing the work of Torn in one of the storied actor's first star vehicles.   

That, and the music really ain't that bad.

I Melt With You (2011)

Four almost thoroughly despicable men, friends since college, meet their inexorable fates as they meet up for an annual reunion weekend of base debauchery. 

Each of these tortured souls in "I Melt With You" comes to grips with the agonizing realization that none of their lives have turned out at all they way they had planned as younger chums.  

And we are never inspired to care about a single one of them. 

Remember the Daze (2007)

Really dumb look at the last day of high school, circa 1999, for a bunch of contemptuous kids in North Carolina.  The teenagers are uniformly lost and unlikable.  The adults are all clueless cardboard cretins.  

"Forget the Daze".

Feed (2005)

Depraved. Revolting. Completely sick. Got it? These words of description will either draw you to this movie or drive you far away. I would choose the latter.

The pure definition of slickly produced garbage, this film actually tries to convey a socially relevant message. That being: Consenting adults, particularly women, should have the freedom to live their own lives in any manner they so choose, without regard to any sort of conformation to conventional societal "norms".

And for what purpose? Well, this truly pathetic flick would have you believe it is so that large women may become even more morbidly obese, humiliated and, ultimately, murdered and butchered. What the HELL? Then throw in Religious Overtones and Horrifying Psychologically-Scarred Childhood Back Stories into this stomach-turning mess, and you've got the ultimate "all shots at all people" potpourri of sickening sleaze.

Hey, I'm certainly no prude here. And I'm as staunch a proponent of freedom of artistic expression as the next guy. However, true art, I believe, inherently carries with it an innate responsibility to convey a useful purpose, along with a measurable, albeit generally objective, component of value for the observer/consumer. The spiritually bankrupt makers and purveyors of this pointless crap did not come anywhere near meeting such reasonable criteria. This group of would-be "artists" should be ashamed. You know the not-so-alarming reality is that they are absolutely not at all. In fact, and sadly, it's a pretty safe bet that they're proud of this utter filth that they have wrought.

Shame on me, then, for helping to line their repellent and disgusting pockets.

Halloween (2007)

A pointless, bloody mess.

John Carpenter's 1978 groundbreaking horror classic had virtually no bloodshed and was one HELLUVA lot more frightening! Zombie couldn't match the quality of the original, so he just made his film gorier. He shouldn’'t have made it at all.

Utter crap.

Harold and Maude (1971)

I didn't like this one. And I thought I might.

It's not that I have a problem with the vast age difference between the title characters. I don't. It just seems like this would have been a more interesting story if the pair had remained great friends as opposed to becoming romantically involved.

This does not at all diminish the Cat Stevens soundtrack, which is absolutely outstanding.

Chastity (1969)

Pretty bad. And not just 'cuz it's dated. It's just pretty bad.

Cher shows flashes of acting chops she would put on full display later in her career as an Academy Award winner. But not near enough to make this torture worth recommending.

The Wild Bunch (1969)

Hey, I don't mean to pick on 1969.  It was a very cool and critically pivotal year in the evolution of human kind.  But not devoid of crummy movies just the same.

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Not one likable or sympathetic character in this flick. An indictment of violence more than a glorification of such. Clearly Director Sam Peckinpah's intent. And a blueprint for the legions of explicit shoot 'em up gore fests that would emulate the fabled director's admittedly landmark film.

It's also WAY too long. Judicious editing at several points in the story really would have served this movie well.

Paul McCartney Really is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)
Contemptuous, insulting and stupid.
The only possible reason to watch this piece of pandering poppycock is for some of the rare footage of the group and interviews with the band members. Even if you're not a devoted Beatles fan, which I WAY am, if you buy into the garbage that these bottom-of-the-barrel filmmakers are pedaling consider yourself an easy mark.
Class of 1984 (1982)
The acting is pretty not-that brilliant. But the feeble script certainly didn't supply the characters with one helluva lot to work with here. However, the production values really aren't half-bad, particularly considering the low budget cinematic world of 1982.
Michael J. Fox (minus the "J." in this fledgling career effort) looks like he's about 14, though he was actually in his early 20's at the time.
I know this one is considered a "cult classic" and all. But I've never been a big fan of cults. Two out of Five Stars is an act of pure generosity.
Red Lights (2012)
This exploration into the debunking vs. the validation of paranormal "powers" is at once much generated ado about not much, and ultimately loses it's way toward finding a resolute point.
The cast is top-notch: Robert De Niro, Sigourney Weaver, Cillian Murphy and rising star Elizabeth Olsen. But the script is silly and practically demands the overwrought and incrementally over-the-top performances we get from this stable of exceptional actors.
"Red Lights" could have been, should have been, better. Alas, the choices made by the filmmakers simply did not produce any more than a quirky curiosity. I suggest that you not be too curious.
The Woman in Black (2012)
While there are a couple of scares to make you flinch for sure, this one just never really seemed to take off. Daniel Radcliffe gives it a game effort. However, his performance is uninspired and hardly electrifying.
This Haunted House tale has been told many times before. And much better, too.
Mikey & Nicky (1976) 
Best friends since childhood ends, permanent-like, for two New York Wise Guys. One, Nicky (John Cassavetes), is a manic-depressive sociopath. The other, Mikey (Peter Falk, circa mid-Columbo days), a small time gangster psychologically gutted by devastating self-esteem and inferiority complex issues first inflicted upon him in childhood by the diabolical Nicky.
The film is about like it sounds it would be. Not very entertaining nor compelling. However, considering the stuff it's made of, really how could it be?

***I would really like to learn some of your own experiences with movies most malodorous.  Please post such on my blog here.  Let's make 'em nice & super stinky now!



This post first appeared on The Quick Flick Critic (***LATEST NEW CONTENT Added To "Documentaries" On 6/6/16***), please read the originial post: here

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Movies that Suck (***New Content added on 1/23/16***)


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