About 15 minutes into watching the new iteration of CABIN FEVER, I began to wonder if this is either a so bad it's good film (which --let's face it--is actually just a bad film), or if it's a satire. 90 minutes later, I came to the conclusion that I was giving the film way too much credit.

Ultimately, CABIN FEVER is not a smart film--by any stretch of the imagination--which by definition means it is definitely not a satire. It does not reinvent the story of a group of 20-somethings seeking thrills at a rundown cabin in the middle of nowhere (I still don't understand how this sounds like a fun vacation), and it doesn't escape the cliche of gratuitous sex scenes and randomly homicidal locals. It's not a self-aware film. It's legitimately a film that thinks it's great. (Oh Eli Roth, you're nothing if not an spectacular underachiever).

But I can say this about the film's co-writer, Roth: you can tell he's having a thoroughly good time coming up with this trash. Seriously, his films are like the chocolate caramel popcorn of horror--we all know they're bad for you but they remain in incredibly high demand. So, here we are.

You are already familiar this riddle: what do you get when 5 simpleton millenials encounter a mysteriously fatal virus at their horror movie prop cabin in the woods? Answer: exactly what they deserve. Like too many derivative horror films before it, CABIN FEVER begins and ends with characters whose deaths you crave just to shut off their stupidity. It doesn't matter who they are really; they're just the awkward fifth wheel and the two couples whose main arc is sleep, f**k, and become virus victims. Yet again, the ridiculous sex scenes are underscored by the very nude woman and the partially clad man (because Hollywood is still stuck on stupid when it comes to how sex works).

Spoiler: everyone gets the skin-decaying virus. A lot of dumb arguments ensue. The trailer is basically the whole film. And then it ends (thankfully).

You're welcome. I watched this, so you don't have to.

Rating: F (0 out of *****)

CABIN FEVER hits theaters in New York City and Los Angeles today.