When I was younger I used to dream about what it would be like to have sex with a girl. These days I dream about what it would be like to go on a date, see a movie with one.
___
I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here. That's it. That's my creed, my motto, my slogan. Right? Right. But does it have to be? I'm starting to wonder.
I've lived the last seven years of my life based far too much on falsehoods I learned to embrace in the first eighteen years of my life. And for the first time, I'm starting to wonder if I should keep living that way. Or make a change.
It's something of a phenomenon, what happens when I see a girl or talk to one. The amount of self-loathing and self-shaming that takes place is ridiculous. "She hates you, the last thing on earth she wants to do is talk to you", "You're a fucking shit and will never be more", etc. things like that. It needs to change. And this is the first time in my life I'm thinking like this. So, what do I do to change this mindset I've had for so long? Changing my mind could change my life, but where do I start?
.....Naahhh, on second thought let's just stay the same.
___
So I've been working in retail for some time now. Some people who know me somewhat well take a double-take when they hear I'm in retail, behind the cashregister. "That shy awkward creepy fat sweaty abomination is checking people out!?"
But believe it or not, I am. And I have to wear water-resistant shirts because I do sweat so much. Most days I like it. And I don't see it as that improbable that I work there. Yeah you need to be relatively suave at communicating, and yeah I consider myself the farthest thing from suave. But I don't see that really, I see every transaction with a customer as a puzzle, or game that you do, say a few set things and they do and say a set of things, we go back and fourth, it's like a dance, and If you know the steps it's not that difficult.
I say "Hello, how are you doing today?" They give me what they are purchasing and say "Good, how about you?" I scan their purchases and say "Did you find everything alright today?" They finish handing me the merchandise and reply "Yes, thankyou." I finish scanning their stuff while saying "No problem!" and yadda yadda yadda, you punch a few things into the computer, they swipe their card, you put their stuff into plastic bags, yadda yadda yadda. It's all very textbook, part of a game.
And I'm good at playing that game, 85% of the time, when people fit the mold. But that 15%, when they break the mold, you damn right my awkward nature is gonna shine through. They may say something funny to me and laugh, or do something else that's not in the script, and I say "Ummmmm. Yeah. Haha!"and want to be anywhere else in the world other than where I am at that moment. I mess the whole groove up. Thank God it's only 15% of people I encounter.
And if a real pretty girl comes up with a cart full of thongs she wants to buy, and you have to take each individual thong and take off the security device thats on them? Then? Then, well, then I get real awkward and sweat pours down me like there's no tomorrow.
I took the job as a side thing for me, to be a very small part of me as a whole. But it has turned into something quite bigger since I started there. For one thing, I stopped going to school. I ran out of financial aid and at first I was going to "take a semester off" and work the job and live my life. And now, a few months into that "semester off" school seems to be the furthest thing from my life. Don't get me wrong, I love school more than anything. But I took my sweet time with it, I dwaddled and I took it for granted. I took going to the cafeteria and watching other students live their lives, I took going to class and listening to a teacher tell you interesting things, I took assignments, I took the fucking paper clips for granted and now I'm afraid I'm paying for it. My reality seemed to change in a blink of the eye, and before I know it it appears that the last class I had, the last assignment I had may have very well been the last of my life. Even if I could afford it, I'm too old to go back to school. 25 year olds are graduating from college and finding their careers. Well, it did give me loads of good memories......and a few dozen thousands worth of student debt. And now I'm at the point of my life that I'm viewing retail as a very real place that I might end up. For good. It's a fucking trip to think about these things.
____
I'm not entirely sure what tinder is, but I am very tempted to give it a go. Because most days I feel like I've lost hope, faith that I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It's just not in the cards for me. If this is the case, wouldn't getting a quick score from some app be worth it?
If someone looks at me they may see my job as a very real place to start, as far as love is considered. The job where I'm the one male in a pond of many, many, many females, some even young and beautiful. Cripes, even 99 percent of the customers that visit are of the fairer sex.
It's not like I haven't thought about it, or even have developed little crushes in my head for some of them. It's only in my nature to wonder, but at the end of the day it's all just so far fetched. I mean ten years ago, hell yeah, I'd be on that train of getting with a co-worker, back when I believed there was a girl out there that was going to wear the pants in the relationship for me and be outgoing, dominant and sexy as fuck, but nowadays I'm a bit more realistic.
___
I've lived the last seven years of my life based far too much on falsehoods I learned to embrace in the first eighteen years of my life. And for the first time, I'm starting to wonder if I should keep living that way. Or make a change.
It's something of a phenomenon, what happens when I see a girl or talk to one. The amount of self-loathing and self-shaming that takes place is ridiculous. "She hates you, the last thing on earth she wants to do is talk to you", "You're a fucking shit and will never be more", etc. things like that. It needs to change. And this is the first time in my life I'm thinking like this. So, what do I do to change this mindset I've had for so long? Changing my mind could change my life, but where do I start?
.....Naahhh, on second thought let's just stay the same.
___
So I've been working in retail for some time now. Some people who know me somewhat well take a double-take when they hear I'm in retail, behind the cashregister. "That shy awkward creepy fat sweaty abomination is checking people out!?"
But believe it or not, I am. And I have to wear water-resistant shirts because I do sweat so much. Most days I like it. And I don't see it as that improbable that I work there. Yeah you need to be relatively suave at communicating, and yeah I consider myself the farthest thing from suave. But I don't see that really, I see every transaction with a customer as a puzzle, or game that you do, say a few set things and they do and say a set of things, we go back and fourth, it's like a dance, and If you know the steps it's not that difficult.
I say "Hello, how are you doing today?" They give me what they are purchasing and say "Good, how about you?" I scan their purchases and say "Did you find everything alright today?" They finish handing me the merchandise and reply "Yes, thankyou." I finish scanning their stuff while saying "No problem!" and yadda yadda yadda, you punch a few things into the computer, they swipe their card, you put their stuff into plastic bags, yadda yadda yadda. It's all very textbook, part of a game.
And I'm good at playing that game, 85% of the time, when people fit the mold. But that 15%, when they break the mold, you damn right my awkward nature is gonna shine through. They may say something funny to me and laugh, or do something else that's not in the script, and I say "Ummmmm. Yeah. Haha!"and want to be anywhere else in the world other than where I am at that moment. I mess the whole groove up. Thank God it's only 15% of people I encounter.
And if a real pretty girl comes up with a cart full of thongs she wants to buy, and you have to take each individual thong and take off the security device thats on them? Then? Then, well, then I get real awkward and sweat pours down me like there's no tomorrow.
I took the job as a side thing for me, to be a very small part of me as a whole. But it has turned into something quite bigger since I started there. For one thing, I stopped going to school. I ran out of financial aid and at first I was going to "take a semester off" and work the job and live my life. And now, a few months into that "semester off" school seems to be the furthest thing from my life. Don't get me wrong, I love school more than anything. But I took my sweet time with it, I dwaddled and I took it for granted. I took going to the cafeteria and watching other students live their lives, I took going to class and listening to a teacher tell you interesting things, I took assignments, I took the fucking paper clips for granted and now I'm afraid I'm paying for it. My reality seemed to change in a blink of the eye, and before I know it it appears that the last class I had, the last assignment I had may have very well been the last of my life. Even if I could afford it, I'm too old to go back to school. 25 year olds are graduating from college and finding their careers. Well, it did give me loads of good memories......and a few dozen thousands worth of student debt. And now I'm at the point of my life that I'm viewing retail as a very real place that I might end up. For good. It's a fucking trip to think about these things.
____
I'm not entirely sure what tinder is, but I am very tempted to give it a go. Because most days I feel like I've lost hope, faith that I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It's just not in the cards for me. If this is the case, wouldn't getting a quick score from some app be worth it?
If someone looks at me they may see my job as a very real place to start, as far as love is considered. The job where I'm the one male in a pond of many, many, many females, some even young and beautiful. Cripes, even 99 percent of the customers that visit are of the fairer sex.
It's not like I haven't thought about it, or even have developed little crushes in my head for some of them. It's only in my nature to wonder, but at the end of the day it's all just so far fetched. I mean ten years ago, hell yeah, I'd be on that train of getting with a co-worker, back when I believed there was a girl out there that was going to wear the pants in the relationship for me and be outgoing, dominant and sexy as fuck, but nowadays I'm a bit more realistic.
| Had no other image to put in post so I just put in a girl sexy as fuck. |
