I just received my first ‘this is awful, you are shit’ comment about my blog. Sitting ugly in my inbox by Anonymous, I have no means of responding directly to the reader’s assertion of spectacular boredom at my self-interested ‘attention seeking’ writing.
Wow. Humbling.
The post that Anonymous read and chose to leave criticism about was my very first one. A post where I explain my blogging-turn-to-point (for who? Probably a justification for myself). So I re-read it. And you know what? It does sound a bit fucking whingey. What I had hoped to get across was that I was at a turning point, a point where I could continue to sail along on a university degree that allowed me a certain amount of consistent work and bill paying ability. Or, I could make a change – skip towards my dreaming. Dance with uncertainty. Holler at my self-doubt. I thought I was saying that I was scared to skip, dance and holler…but more frightened not to.
Don’t we all go through times in our lives where we are a bit ho-fucking-hum? A bit ‘oh shit how did I find myself here – not there?’ I know I am not alone in considering how to juggle extra trips overseas while saving for white pickets, still needing those shoes and that outfit and tickets for those festivals. AND questioning whether what you are doing right now, the work that increasingly fills in life-balance, will satisfy you in 10, 20, 30 years?
I think it is OK to question these things as a way of evaluating your own goals and motivations. Since writing that post I have changed direction ‘done something about it’ as Anonymous so kindly suggested I should. For me, writing it down was a means of owning it – here is how you are feeling about your path right now – here it is; transparent. I could have saved it for myself. Bought a new journal, typed up ambitions and action plans in bulleted form, written myself motivational sticky notes in a rainbow of colours. I am not saying that posting something on the internet should be applauded, but for me it was a hard thing to do, to admit that I was floundering and needed motivational help. Attention seeking?
Writing for me is easiest when I have a beef to voice. When something or someone’s action has crawled under my skin and spurred enough emotion to motivate me, or when I am particularly sad, reminiscent, lonely, missing. Most of the time life is all crazy fun, rainbows, vino, midnight, dawn and easy. But no one wants to hear all about that all the time, do they? The Jeff Buckley, Plath, Dylan, Poe and Elliot Smith fans tell me no.
Life is bloody good and I am getting to where I want to be. Even if I don’t make it all the way, I have enough of the good love to satisfy me for lives to come. No regrets. Thank you Anonymous for urging me to write today – I need all the motivation I can get.
xmuseandskipx
