This month's issue of Cosmo has a wealth of offensive and ridiculous pieces of Advice for young Women, but let me start with the most obvious.
Page 110 of the issue boasts the title,"25 Kinky Things to do With Your Undies", which has an oh-so-promising subscript that claims, "Try them and make his jaw unhinge".
Amongst the list of ludicrous suggestions lies the very ill-advised proposition of Number two, "When you're at the bar, take off your thong and slip it into his hand." Thanks Cosmo, but no thanks. While this may be an excellent move for a high-class hooker or a stripper trying to make her quota of lap-dances for the night, removing one's Underwear in a public setting is not exactly Grade A advice for grown-ass women with careers, reputations, or a little bit of self-respect.
But that's not nearly as laughable as number five on the list, "Use your underwear as a scrunchie". Are you fucking kidding me? You want women to walk around with underwear in their hair. Underwear. In their hair. Fuck you.
I am frankly less offended by number sixteen than I am terrified. "Cut a hole in them, and have sex through the opening." Um... Excuse-me you scrunchy-wearing bitch but, what is wrong with you? Do you realize that teenagers exploring their sexuality for the first time read this stuff? Do you realize that some women are actually naive enough to take your advice? Imagine their confusion when they lie there, legs spread wide, with a peep-hole in their underwear and a look of horror on their boyfriend's face.
The message, my dear friends, is that underwear is not simply a layer of cloth between you and your jeans. If you have been using it as such, you are quite clearly a miserable failure of a woman. In the future, instead of spending your time working out, reading, going to work or school, or further improving yourself as a person, you should practice what is called "the gunslinger". This is when you "slide off your underwear, twirl it around your pointer finger, and shoot it like a rubber band at him." Because all of those other things will obviously fall short from underwear in his face.
Page 110 of the issue boasts the title,"25 Kinky Things to do With Your Undies", which has an oh-so-promising subscript that claims, "Try them and make his jaw unhinge".
Amongst the list of ludicrous suggestions lies the very ill-advised proposition of Number two, "When you're at the bar, take off your thong and slip it into his hand." Thanks Cosmo, but no thanks. While this may be an excellent move for a high-class hooker or a stripper trying to make her quota of lap-dances for the night, removing one's Underwear in a public setting is not exactly Grade A advice for grown-ass women with careers, reputations, or a little bit of self-respect.
But that's not nearly as laughable as number five on the list, "Use your underwear as a scrunchie". Are you fucking kidding me? You want women to walk around with underwear in their hair. Underwear. In their hair. Fuck you.
I am frankly less offended by number sixteen than I am terrified. "Cut a hole in them, and have sex through the opening." Um... Excuse-me you scrunchy-wearing bitch but, what is wrong with you? Do you realize that teenagers exploring their sexuality for the first time read this stuff? Do you realize that some women are actually naive enough to take your advice? Imagine their confusion when they lie there, legs spread wide, with a peep-hole in their underwear and a look of horror on their boyfriend's face.
Imagine the scenario of some poor teenage girl who goes to school with a thong in her hair and another one around her wrist. (Number eight: make a “dirty bracelet”.) Fail.
And if, for some inexplicable reason, she EVER manages to land a decent guy, imagine his horror when she opens her legs to reveal a self-constructed easy-access hole to her privates.
As if this isn’t bad enough, the article suggests that women leave lacy thongs in their man’s drawers, in the pockets of his work pants, AND in his phone via picture message. The idea is that “He’ll find it while he’s at work and think of you All. Day. Long.” Yes. Yes he will. He will think about how he somehow mistook a crazy, obsessive, nymphomaniac for a nice girl he could actually date.
I can go on and on mentioning the increasingly absurd pieces of advice, but I will cut it short because I think we all get the message.The message, my dear friends, is that underwear is not simply a layer of cloth between you and your jeans. If you have been using it as such, you are quite clearly a miserable failure of a woman. In the future, instead of spending your time working out, reading, going to work or school, or further improving yourself as a person, you should practice what is called "the gunslinger". This is when you "slide off your underwear, twirl it around your pointer finger, and shoot it like a rubber band at him." Because all of those other things will obviously fall short from underwear in his face.
