I have a sneaky suspicion that somewhere down at Cosmo headquarters there is a naughty trunk of sex toys that would act as Pandora’s box if it were ever opened, unleashing a new kind of evil unto the world. I took a look at the article on page 121 of their December issue entitled, “100 Best Sex Tips of the Year”, and here are a few of the kinky things you might find in Cosmo’s sex trunk. (If you were ever brave enough to venture in there)
A sailor moon costume
Cashmere gloves
Silk scarf
Exercise ball
Saffron
Handheld fan
Frozen Yoghurt
Shoelaces
Remote controlled vibrator
Brokeback Mountain
Belts
Porn
Long, pointy fingernails
Candy necklace
Yikes!
The shoelaces are part of tip 24, “tie him up on his back, and use shoelaces to tie a remote-controlled vibrator to the shaft of his penis and play with the speeds.” Ha! This is not television we are talking about people. Put. The. Remote. Down. It’s called “touching”.
Cosmo also felt the need to specify, “Keep your standards high: A study revealed you’re more likely to O with a hottie.” Oh really Cosmo?! Thanks, cuz I was Totally sure that my neighbor with the rat tail, pit stains, and beer gut would do the trick. Duh.
Number 27 advises you to “Flash him when he opens the car door for you.” Right, because the few gentlemen left in this world who actually open car doors would totally appreciate a full frontal before dinner. (P.s. this is the December issue, it’s cold outside.)
I read the last one to my roommate and she says they were probably referring to a flash of the nether regions. I.e. do a Britney.
Right, because we all know how well that worked for her!
My favorite, however, is number 89: “Lie down, legs apart, with your guy standing above you. He should then use his big toe to stimulate your clitoris.”
…
NOPE!
Once again Cosmo, thanks for the enlightening read and the solid advice, but most of all, thank you for making my job so damn easy.
