Finally, I’d get to see him again. I couldn’t even remember when the last time I saw him was, but I remember very well the first time I did. I was sixteen years old then, a high school senior, a typical teen-aged girl filled with angst and insecurities. Back then, I never believed in Love at first sight, I didn’t believe in love in general. All I believed in was that I should have fun while I was young and I did. Nothing else mattered as long as I was alive. I lived for myself. I lived on my own. Looking back at those younger years before I met him, I don’t know if I should laugh at how stupid I was or cry at how much I’ve been through, but the past doesn’t matter now, does it? It was such a mess that I just chose to forget most of it anyway. The only good thing I can really look back to was the very first time that I saw his face.
When I first laid my eyes on him, I knew immediately that it was love. His beautiful eyes that laughed when he smiled, his smooth skin so white and clean, his pinkish lips, his lovely nose, his dark curly hair that moved with the slightest touch of wind… everything… everything about him was perfect. To me, he was perfect. It was the first time that I ever felt that way… like everything that happened in the past, every little thing that I have going on in my life, and every big thing I fear in the coming future… everything became so insignificant compared to him. My whole mind was instantly filled with just the thoughts of him and my heart stopped just so his name could take its place in it.
It only took a single glance for my whole world to turn around… just a split-second to realize that it was love.
Love for the very first time and it was love at first sight…
Falling in love for the first time in my life felt so unfamiliar, yet amazing. It was like waking up every morning inside a dream. Everything was wonderful… I was overwhelmed with inspiration. I smiled more often… I laughed more often… I felt my heart become filled with a bitter-sweet emotion… and oddly enough, it was the greatest feeling. Every time I looked at his sweet smile, I found my reason to breathe… I saw my ambition become clear… and I looked forward to the future that I have always dreaded to reach…
I never knew that it was even possible to have such an emotion but my love for him grew and grew each and every day that passed. It grew so much until I’ve been overpowered by it… it grew to the extent that it became frightening.
There were times when I wished that time would stop just so we could be together longer. I even wished the whole world would turn around and leave us alone just with each other.
I loved him too much that I’ve wanted him selfishly…
I’ve loved him unrequitedly… unconditionally for three whole years before I heard him say that he loved me too. That moment, I’ve decided to hold on to him, love him forever and never let him go… but judging by the way I’ve described how I was in the past, I have a history of screwing things up.
And I screwed up, big time.
I couldn’t believe it actually happened… but sometimes people can become so vulnerable…
I met temptation and fell in love for the second time.
A moment of madness… a moment of weakness… a moment of stupidity and everything flew away in an instant.
I never stopped loving him, but I also don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why it felt so easy at that time… I just left him.
I left him with the look of hurt and detest on his face deeply carved in my memory. When I walked out on him, I heard him call me back so many times but I didn’t even turn my head. Idiotically even feeling proud about myself… I left him.
I left him and I regret so much that I did… because I realized too late that I would never really love anyone else aside from him.
He was my whole life and I was his. We had something so wonderful and I ruined everything.
If only I had been stronger… If only I had been satisfied with our love… If only I had fought off the seduction of worldly desires… I wouldn’t have had to suffer so much pain those cruel past years have brought upon me. We could have continued to be happy. We could have fulfilled our dreams. We could have been together forever…
But the funny thing about “What If’s” is that--- they’re just there to make you see the things that you could have had but would never will. It’s like mocking you with the thought of all your stupid mistakes that you could have done better but didn’t. It’s like drowning you in beautiful illusions while striking you on the head with the iron hammer of reality.
Regretting the past…
Fearing the future…
That has always been me…
If I’d had another chance at life, I might want to do things differently… but then again maybe not, because he might not have come into my life. It’s confusing… thinking about all of it is exhausting…
I regret most of my past, except for the part when I experienced my first love.
I fear the future, except for the second when he finally walks through that door.
***
I didn’t make it in time. When I reached the room where she waited off her last remaining days, she was no longer breathing. She still looked as beautiful as the last time I saw her although the lines on her face showed that the years have not been particularly good to her. Her skin was pale, her hands were cold… but on her lips she wore a little smile.
I still remember the terrible pain I felt when she first left me. I recall how much I cursed her for betraying me. I went through my life hating her for walking out on me… but looking at her now I realized… I was so wrong for shoving her off when she tried to come back to me.
I never really stopped loving her.
I’ve always been waiting for her to come back to me.
I don’t know why I pushed her away… but no matter how much I try to take everything back they’ll all mean nothing but regrets.
Regrets that make me wish I could turn back the hands of time.
I wish I could have gotten to her sooner...
I wish I could have told her that I still love her… I’ve always loved her… I always will love her…
I wish I could have made her feel my hand holding hers… I could have hugged her… I could have kissed her…
Most importantly, I could have told her:
“I’m sorry… I love you… and I forgive you, mom…”
© AmaranthLevana 2010
