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I've known for a long time that if I want something to be done right, I have to do it myself - especially when it comes to sex. Sure, I've been lucky enough meet great lovers who prioritized my needs and pleasure both before and after my gender transition. But nobody knows my Body the way I do, and masturbating has always taken me to greater heights than a partner can.

This became especially true when my gender transition rewired the way my body experiences attraction and pleasure. My transgender body doesn't fit the common masculine and feminine scripts for arousal, and people aren't well educated on how to pleasure trans partners. Even trans people like myself have to relearn our changing bodies, and masturbation is one of the safest ways to explore that.

But masturbation hasn't always been an enjoyable experience for me. I've worked through a complex relationship with it ever since adolescence. I've gone through periods of yearning and insatiable horniness to periods where I felt mostly shame and frustration around solo sex. But as I shed my negative adolescent experiences and transitioned into a body that suits me, my relationship to masturbation has improved.

I learned that self-pleasure is customizable - something that is by me, for me. And rather than just "doing it" to do it, I learned new masturbation techniques and adjusted my solo sessions to fit my emotional and physical needs. Edging myself has become just one of the ways I've found enjoyment from masturbating.

My most memorable marathon edging session started when I needed a break from everything. I made it through a stressful work week, and my girlfriend was out of the house for a work-and-gym day. At this perfect intersection of desire and opportunity, I wanted to be cozy in bed, surrounded by sex toys, and to be touched, enjoyed, and savored, like the delightful snack that I am.

Since edging is meant to be a slow process, I like to use a variety sex toys to stimulate different erogenous zones, which helps keep the tension high without rushing into an Orgasm. For this particular session, I'd gathered clamps for nipple play, a butt plug, and a couple of different vibrators. I also cued up a porn video, for audio and visual stimulation. Already looking forward to what lay ahead, I put on the nipple clamps, inserted the butt plug, and gently pressed a wand massager to my penis. Then, I began the first of many climbs to near-orgasm.

For me, the first rise when edging myself is always slow - my body hasn't woken up, and my mind is still skipping over day-to-day stresses. But this time, I sank into my pillows and focused on a porn video playing on my TV. I knew I was getting close when my legs and spine straightened hard. My back lifted off the bed slightly while each breath became sharper. I gasped under each sensation, twisting my warm body and feeling the buzz of a building orgasm in my toes.

Then, right as I was about to reach orgasm, I stopped. I switched the massager off and slid back into the blankets. My penis still felt the phantom buzz of the massage wand, and my whole chest remained flushed. My body was left wondering why I took something so good away, but my mind was rippling with anticipation. The stress and worries from my day slipped away, and I could feel the excitement of my next step building.

After a few minutes of catching my breath and letting the sensations die down, I was ready to edge myself again.

This time, I used a different vibrator that I knew could maintain my arousal without overstimulating my body. Its comfortable buzz quickly made my breathing rise, but as time passed, I began to crave the intense rumbling of the massage wand, so I swapped back.

Over the next couple of hours, I switched between different sex positions and sensations. I removed the nipple clamps and let my overstimulated nipples rest, then flipped to my stomach and ground them against my sheets. I flicked through different vibration settings on my toys, and moved them to explore how they felt on different spots on my body. At one point, I passed the wand over my sensitive inner thighs; at another, I pressed the massager into my perineum and let the vibrations pass through my whole pelvis.

But one thing was consistent: each time I was on the brink of an orgasm, I stopped and took deep breaths. I relaxed my shoulders, sipped from my water battle, and savored the full-body warmth I felt.

When I was finally ready to let myself actually orgasm - nearly two hours after I began - I used all three sex toys simultaneously again. Silky pre-cum dribbled down my penis as the orgasm built. My mind was swimming in bliss, and each step closer to orgasm felt like the most aroused I'd ever been in.

Eventually, I gave into the sensations, and my orgasm finally happened. I bucked off the bed before my legs folded sharply. A full body shake crossed from my toes to my breasts while I tried to contain my moans. Breathless, I felt both blissful and exhausted as each wave passed through my limbs.

As I recovered from the marathon edging session, I basked in the pride of bringing myself so much pleasure. And today, I continue to pride myself on knowing that I could do that to myself again anytime.

Because while edging is about feeling good and having fun, drawing out the lovely act of masturbation into something relaxed and pillow princess-y has also become an act of self-care for me - one that makes me feel more attuned to my own body. The entire experience is about my pleasure, and I have total control over my space during it.

So rather than feeling shame or discomfort around sex, I end edging sessions feeling elated that I get to spend the rest of my life showing myself so much pleasure. Truthfully, I wouldn't ask for anything more. Except, maybe, for more orgasms.