NEW YORK, NY - A new, plant-based Human flesh substitute is getting thumbs up in cannibal communities around the world — from remote man-eating tribes in the jungles of Africa to back rooms of certain Chinese restaurants along New York's Lower East Side.

 

"Beyond Human" is a pea-based plant protein, with a blend of assorted proprietary ingredients, that tastes like actual Human Flesh. It's designed for cannibals with a conscience, those who love that rich, meaty human taste but deplore the way human beings have been treated, like, by serial killers and bad parents. 

 

"Look, I still enjoy eating people." One anonymous cannibal said. "I just don't like how people have been raised, locked in mental cages, or on the couch in front of the television. I will admit though, a sedentary lifestyle can create a wonderful marbling effect."

 

"I like my human flesh raw or frozen, like you'd enjoy as one of few survivors of a plane crash high in the Andes." Another cannibal said.

 

Such cannibals will have to wait. “Beyond Human” is only found in Caucasian flavor on the black test market.