Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way, Season 2, Episode 12, The Parent Trap, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Greetings my 90-Day lovers. Can I still call you that? Or are you, like me, turning a bit on Season 2? Thank goodness for Kenny and Armando and priests talking about babies suckling from a Christian breast to keep us going. Pour the tequila, or milk if you’re so inspired, and let’s recap this episode, appropriately titled “The Parent Trap.”

Deavan & Jihoon: “If you kill my granddaughter. I will kill you”

We left off last week with little Drascilla running off into the night and Jihoon gaining fire under his feet to run after her. Despite his best efforts, this did not appease Elicia tonight. Nor did it appease Deavan. (Shocker, right?) You see, instead of running full-speed ahead, Jihoon paused to defend himself and say “stop yelling at me!”

Rest assured, little Drascilla is okay. Jihoon, however? Well, that’s another story.

While Deavan “belittles Jihoon” (Jihoon’s mom’s words – not mine), Jihoon lets out a sound I have never heard the likes of before. It was either a cry or an orca-mating call. But I’m gonna go with cry here. And though she said “your tears don’t work on me,” Deavan ultimately decides to lighten up on the new dad. But Jihoon .. I think I oughta warn you, buddy … Elicia has been inside your Temporary Apartment morphing into Deavan — and this version is not ready to forgive.

In fact, she’s ready to TELL. YOU. OFF. Oh, in case you’re wondering why I put periods in between each of those words … it’s not because I wanted to add emphasis to those particular words. Rather, I was doing my best Deavan/Elicia impersonation. Because. This. Is. Exactly. How. They. Talk. It’s a style all their own — and I seriously thought I was hearing Deavan’s voice when Elicia was telling the humiliated Jihoon: “If you kill my grandkid. I will f**king kill you.”

Need I say more? Translator? You got anything to add? ….. Yeah. I’m scared too. Let’s hop on over to Ethiopia.

Ari & Bibi: Only Christian milk allowed here

Bibi meets with his family over mini cups of coffee to discuss Ari and whether she’s good wifey-material for the butt-bongo-playing-dancer. Mom and sisters have their suspicions, after all, because Bibi keeps finding himself in these precarious situations (aka, dating American girls who have his baby). They just want him to settle down with an Ethiopian woman already.

If they can’t have an Ethiopian woman, then they’ll settle for a girl who will embrace their culture.

Bibi assures them Ari will not run off to America (she pinky-promised him after all – wait, that was Yazan and Brittany last week). But Ari’s word is good … at least, Bibi hopes it is. And speaking of hopes, Bibi just hopes Ari will want to raise baby in the Orthodox faith despite her being Jewish.

For that to happen, though, Baby needs to suckle Christian milk from a Christian breast (priest’s words–not mine), which, of course, means that Ari, too, must be baptized. But she is not down for this, and Baby might not go to Heaven (Bibi’s words), and the couple is left wondering whether they are the right fit for each other. (P.S. Ari’s mom did not make an appearance this episode, and that could be why we are now in such a state of disarray. Oh, where’s Janice when you need her!)

Kenny & Armando: LOVE Wins — We hope

Aaaaah, Kenny and Armando. Like a little breath of fresh air that comes across the screen, aren’t they?

As you’ll recall, last week, we witnessed one of the sweetest engagements of all time. Tonight, the newly engaged pair gets to celebrate over a nice dinner, complete with red wine (be still, my heart), Kenny’s daughters, and two of Armando’s friends, Rita and Charles.

Just looking at Rita and Charles … I know I like them. Of course, I’m still wondering who all those other people were who shot confetti guns off the cliff last week, but at least now we know two of them, and we can find peace in knowing that Kenny and Armando have friends and supporters in this cool pair.

Armando’s parents, on the other hand, will be the hard part. To ease the pain, Armando thinks he might just hide the fact that he is a newly engaged man. Kenny is not happy about this because he wants Armando’s family to see he is committed to their son … to Hannah … to Coop. Ah, dangit to heck. I told myself I wouldn’t bring Coop up in this recap. Kenny and Armando get to swoop up Hannah in less than a week, and that’s all I need to know for now.

By the way, Rita told Kenny “just take a shot of tequila” to loosen up the parents, and that’s enough out of you, Rita. You had me at your sheer presence at the dinner table.

Jenny & Sumit: At least we have an accent wall

We haven’t seen Jenny and Sumit for a hot minute, and, call me crazy, but does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Maybe I’m just a little tired of Deavan and Jihoon and their talking staccato-style into possessed translators, but sort of like Kenny and Armando, this pair also felt fresh to me tonight. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t go THAT far, but at least the paint was fresh?

Well … sorta fresh. I mean, Sumit DID hand-mix it on the spot … AND, well, he hand-mixed it, and that counts for something. Jenny commented on how people from India like to use their hands a lot, and I’m going to choose to believe she’s talking about eating food here to not imagine, and oh, dammit to heck again.

So they painted a wall, and, yeah, that was fun. Actually it was. Or I am that hard-up for some fun on this show. Like, did I seriously have fun watching paint dry tonight. Wow.

So, yeah, Jenny and Sumit rehashed an old conversation of whether they can convince Sumit’s parents to accept their relationship, and I’m with Jenny tonight: It’s a waste of time. Their time. My time. A waste. Keep painting that blood wall there, you guys, and let that be our focus, mmmmm-k?

Brittany & Yazan: We Bought More Time!

Ah, Brittany. She got out her Islamic best tonight- a hijab, complete with her asala dress. Can’t forget the Chanel purse and falsies though!

For real, though … she makes it work and is intent on impressing Yazan’s parents. Let’s just hope this goes better than the last time. At least Uncle Ibrahim (or the Godfather, as I like to call him) is there to keep things running smoothly. And, boy, did he come through!

Now I’m not sure WHY we ultimately got to where we got with this meeting. I just know we got there. The “there” being that Brittany and Yazan live to see another day as an unmarried pair in Jordan. Thanks to Uncle, Brittany now has until her dad arrives in Jordan to decide if she wants to marry Yazan.

And though Brittany left this meeting with the warm fuzzies, I’m not so sure if she would be feeling so warm inside had she known the real reason behind Yazan’s parents’ change of heart. Now, I’m not positive, but I think Yazan’s parents were actually persuaded by this thought from Uncle: “hey, the girl might actually not like learning about our culture, she’ll leave, and then we don’t have to worry about her. It happens all the time.” So I paraphrase a bit, but this was the moment dad and mom seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.

Nonetheless, I think we all can agree that more time is good here. Especially when the bride-to-be is still married. And though we all have known this dirty little secret for quite some time, I seriously shuddered when Brittany brought it up tonight. We just came so far, and this bomb is going to leave shrapnel that can’t be fixed with a smile, hijab, and “Shukraan.”

So that does it for this week, folks! Next week, we see that, indeed, more conflict ensues for Brittany and Yazan’s parents; Ari’s wise mom bids adieu to a conflicted Ari; and Kenny and Armando face backlash to their PDA. Rita and Charles?! Mind sticking around just one more week? Til’ then, my 90-day Lovers(?)!

90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way airs Monday nights at 9/8c on TLC.