So. Most of you know I'm a man who doesn't get any from the opposite sex, never has, never will.
Hugs, cuddles, movie viewings, hand-holding, flirting, conversing, and whatever the fuck else guys and girls do together these days that I don't even know about. Oh, and definitely not any of the most hallowed of these types of actions: kisses. But damn it, I wanted to make a post celebrating Valentine's Day in my own special way.



I am now 26. In other words, I don't have much of any type of prospects I'm trying to work out in order to find myself a lover these days. I've more or less given up on that. I know girls is what I
 always go on and on about in this blog, but..... but maybe I could muster up a few semi-interesting stories from my life that I might not have talked about yet to tell you about in honor of V-day.

Let me take you back to a simpler time, a time when the internet was still relatively young and there weren't billions of websites to carouse like there is today, it was more of a novelty. It was sometime around my time fresh outta Elementary, in Sixth Grade, at The Middle School. It was not too long after my parents had decided to jump into the 21st Century and purchase a home computer for our family. Let me tell you, between Salad Fingers, Newgrounds, The Sims, Oregon Trail, The Incredible Machine and discovering free music, I have a lot of great memories on that Hewlett-Packard beast. But there was one thing that came with that computer that would change and shape my life forever: AOL Instant Messenger.

When I first started using AOL it was a very weird feeling. I remember thinking "I'm sitting at my house on my computer... and with that I could talk to anybody else in the entire world in any country or state, as long as they hand AOL too."

Sure, there would come a time when I would use AOL to tell people I barely knew from my school anything and everything about myself, hoping that would make them fall in love with me, and I would eventually get a lot people calling me a stalker... But that was more my High School self.

My Middle School self was much more interested in chatting with as many random people my age from as many random places as I could. And just talk... and I know it's hard to explain to younger people but... using AOL could be a real mindfuck, at least for me. It was all curious fun and exhilarating and all... that is, until Ashlee showed up. As pathetic as it may seem, her being some stranger I never knew if it was really a teenage girl chatting with me or not but... it was tough. It was my first time really really falling for someone, even if it was an internet person, and boy did I fall hard.

I don't remember how I got her Username, or how we got talking, but at some point she told me she was Ashlee Simpson, who, at the time was a relatively famous person, putting a CD out and everything.  She was kind of famous, but I figured if this person on AOL wanted to lie about who they were they would have said they were Jessica Alba, or even at least Ashlee's sister, Jessica. They were both much more famous and well-known than Ashlee. Sooo... in that train of thought, I believed her. And we spoke many times over the course of a few months.

It was one of my very first times communicating with anyone online, and even so, I proceeded just like I would with girls I'd talk to online ten years later. Honestly I can't remember a lot of what she said to me, because after it happened I worked very hard to totally forget her, as I do. But I do remember telling her a lot about myself. All about my family, my school, my classes, my extended family, my religion, my pets, everything. I put so so much time and effort and thought into that "relationship" with that mystery username. I talked to her during that time exactly like I would my future wife. I started developing a plan we could get our parents to drive us each halfway across the country so that we could meet, be girlfriend/boyfriend, and yes, probably kiss. It sounds so weird and silly and... fucked when talking about it now, but..... I will never forget how bad it fucking hurt. I thought for sure it would be my big tragedy in my life when looking back when I was older. So pathetic...so naive...so... foreshadowing.



Many years after my Ashlee Simpson Fiasco, after a lot of meds, and after about 23 more personal crisises that happened, I found myself heading into my second semester at UW-Oshkosh, 21 and with my advisor trying to settle on the perfect classes to fill my second semester's schedule.

You must understand, the person I was at this time was night/day different than the person I am today. I hadn't seen my psychiatrist or psychologist since I had been at that school, which means none of my meds had been changed or evaluated for a lot of months. I was drinking. I was cutting. I was doing lots of other unforgivable things at the time, as well as being single, something I was sure would never be this long into being at a legit four-year college.

Anyway, I was with my advisor picking classes. I had chosen to major in Psychology on my way into the school and.............. I failed that terribly. So it was time to choose a new major. Well, I always wanted to be an artist. Great. So he told me to pick from a few different year 1 artist classes. Watercolor? Nah. Art History? Nahh. After saying Nahh to many other classes, he came across another class: Drawing from a Model. Once I heard that all I could think about was The Titanic. Again, at this time I was at my peak loneliness, my peak hopelessness, my peak fucked-upness, aaand... my peak horniness. I honest to God didn't know if I'd see a girlfriend in my lifetime, or even if I would jump out my eighth-story dorm window and end it all tonight or not. I had talked to my Mother less than a handful in the last four months, who I used to talk to once every few hours, everyday. Things were dire.

In other words, things looked like my ship was going down and I was going out a virgin, kisslesss, creepy sad-sack-o-shit. So when the guy offered me what I thought was a first-class ticket to at least SEEING some poon, real and in the flesh before I died... You bet your sweet fucking ass I took it. Well... what's that saying they say?: "Karma is a bitch."?  That class started a couple weeks later, and going there I could hardly contain myself, only to get to it and find a wrinkly old fat guy with a gray beard, sitting there in a purple silk bathrobe. To make a long story short, while I had the highest of hopes when walking to that every class, every day for the entire semester it was always one of a couple different fat wrinkly old guys. I had learned a lesson. I took a deep breathe, bit my tongue and continued about life, not knowing how long I'd have to go before getting my French girls to draw in my life.

Heaven. There is nothing better.

I want a girlfriend. Or at least a girl to cuddle or kiss. It's what you hear over and over again in every post I make. But I want to illustrate exactly what that means. I'm going to put claim into action and tally everything in my life that I do or have done to "get" a girl:

College: I took 7 years of two different colleges... Because I thought that "College is the #1 most common place for people to find their for-life lover."

 My Train of Thought:
 
       Two years of MATC Madison - Liberal Arts Transfer - "A lot of girls go here first and then go to a four-year. I bet I could find a girl to go out with and then we could plan out and go to the same four-year together, and then after that we can get married and maybe in a few years have a kid or two."

       One year of UW-Oshkosh Four year - Psychology/Graphic Design - "Holy fucking shit fuck man, there is litterally dozens of insanely beautiful girls my age just down the hall waiting for me to fall in love with. I could talk to any of them... 24/7. Clubs, events, fund-raisers, open gym, sporting games, library, plays, movies, cafeteria, coffee bar, Ala Cart, classes, workout gym... I'm not going to get my first kiss here, I'm going to get my first 500 kisses here, most likely with tongue! And not to mention dude, if I'm majoring in psychology I bet I could find a sweet young thang who will know everything about me like my psychologist, then I'd have a girlfriend who I'd be as close as possible with."

       Four years back at MATC Madison - Graphic Design - "Dude. You know those freaky artist types. I'm gonna get one here. It's only a matter of time, taking all these art classes, you're bound to score a fly honey anytime, anywhere."

Movies: I almost have a thousand movies. The only reason that is is because I think movies are the best possible date you could do with a girl. "In each two-hours of all those movies we could experience overwhelming saddess, depression, the most uplifiting, freeing type of joy, we could laugh our asses off or cry intensley on each other's shoulders, we could get scared as shit but then comfort each other." I've just been stockpiling them my whole life, hoping it will be one I get to experience with a girl someday. My movies are something I consider a part of me. And I woundn't have them if it wasn't for girls.



So anyway... hope reading this gave you some sort of satisfaction or entertainment in some fashion. My shopping obsession... 2016......the president... There is still much to discuss. Stay tuned!


Happy Valentine's Day!!!