As some of you may be aware, I was recently offered a position as a creative writer for none other than an internet Porn company. Flattering, I know.
But breaking into the Industry of creative writing is tough and I am deeply ashamed to say that I actually took a few seconds to consider the position before turning it down. These are the Top 5 reasons why I ultimately declined the interview:
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5. Bad dialogue, cheesy scripts. The position was not to be a scriptwriter, but still, have you watched porn? It’s like a never-ending sequence of bad pick up lines and corny music. Example:
“Hello, police officer…is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Officer takes out gun, but bulge in pants is still ominously present.
“This gun is fully loaded and ready to fire”
Cue cheesy music, dim lights, ACTION!
Actually that was pretty clever. Maybe I should write porn!
But seriously, why would I want to be associated with the lowest form of entertainment possible? (After “The Real Housewives”, of course)
4. I’d have to rant about myself. Here I am criticizing Cosmo for the objectification of women. No job is worth me hating myself as much as I hate them.
3. Ron Jeremy. I wasn’t sure what the job would entail, but my mom suggested that maybe I would have to write short descriptions about the videos. That would involve me watching the videos. Ugh. (Shudder.)
This industry is not picky enough when it comes to choosing their male stars. I can’t imagine what having to stare at the likes of this little troll for hours on end would do for my mental health, not to mention my sex life.
2. My mom. Since I’m not religious, I go through life asking myself, “What would mom/dad do?” It usually guides me in the right direction. Clearly in this situation my mom, with a very soft-spoken voice and polite manner, would tell them where to go.
1. These girls. Don’t get me wrong, I know that porn and human trafficking are two very different things. For one, people in the porn industry are acting of their own free agency, and if people want to enjoy a little bit of adult entertainment, that’s fine. It’s not exactly the same thing as enjoying an underage girl against her will. Still, I don’t want to partake in anything that contributes to an industry that harms and degrades women worldwide. So fuck it. I said no.
