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Kenny Powers’ quotes, from the TV show “Eastbound & Down,” are bold, outrageous, and often hilarious. Portrayed by Danny McBride, Kenny’s quotes showcase his ego, foul-mouthed humor, and over-the-top confidence, making him a memorable and eccentric character who leaves audiences laughing and cringing at the same time.

These are the hard realities, guys. Life is not a fairy tale, although sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies.

There’s no better feeling than winning, dealing your opponent the death blow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to its feet, falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero’s jism. The immature man revels in such adulations. The mature man, however, celebrates not, because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another f*cked-up test.

Stay in school. Fight the power. Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, you’re doing them with me.

Kenny Powers Quotes

I’m sober and ready to destroy the competition.

There is no I in ‘team’ but there is a U in ‘ct.’ So don’t be a little jealous cts, okay?

And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need.

There’s no better feeling than winning. Kenny Powers sayings

Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead, you’re just a whore with a real whore’s heart.

If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it.

Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.

Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.

Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion. Kenny Powers captions

Listen here, you beautiful bitch. I’m about to fuck you up with some truth.

Why give 100% when 35% will get you paid and laid?

Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their s**t from Fashion Bug. That’s what I know.

A man fights and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death.

If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it

When my ss was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my sht. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a f*cking canon. But sometimes, when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

There have been many comebacks throughout history…Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that, when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land or town.

I can’t believe I opened up my heart to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped it all over it.

I brought you guys up from less than f*ckin’ nothin’ and took you up to a championship level, only to abandon you there.

I broke that birdbath for you ’cause I knew you hated it, ’cause we’re the same. I hate that f**king thing too. A stork, wrapped around a tree branch, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen before. You know that’s how the plague started, back in the day. It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone’s backyard where rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

You can never be alone, the gracious god is always there.

Ask anybody out there, and they’ll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces.

The good thing about getting over depression is…well…you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn’t an obstacle, just some people are.

If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fuckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, unimpressive, fuckin’ hall. I don’t like it in here. It’s gross.

Oddly enough, the people here aren’t that different from the ones back home, when you get past the lack of interest in real sports, and the need to have yellow rice at every fuckin’ meal.

People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true. I love women. Every fking one of them, even the ugly as-st ones. But don’t ask me to trust ’em. Not even nuns, because every pair of t**s comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.

Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.

Did you name your baby after Titanic? What’s this mother fucker’s name? Shrek?

It’s no mystery that *ss has always been t*ts’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing but with t*ts and *ss.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there are two things I hate, then it’s failing and getting cancer.

I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight… the coaches and owners not giving me the sh*t I need to win.

Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than f**k. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my as* and suck my dick, everyone.

With a true champion face to face with his darkest hour, he will do whatever it takes to rise above.

If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, unimpressive, fckin’ hall. I don’t like it in here. It’s gross.

It’s like goddamn Oktoberfest in here. I’m excited too, but let’s not touch dicks, alright?

Don’t get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta f**ked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3D? Well here’s a burrito, coming right at ya!

This is a story of a man who won. By choosing love over fame, fortune, and countless adventures, I’d proven that my heart was true. I’d proven that I was a man who could face any peril.

I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the sht I need to win. Atlanta, you’re fcking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let’s buy the bar and get shtfaced. Get me paid, btch!

Reminds me of why I’m here in the first place. A quest is nothin’ if you got no one to brag about it too, and will never reach the end if you’re only doing it for yourself.

Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit

When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom.

Well, it’s no mystery that ass has always been its greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing but with ts and ass.

Do I have all the attention of everyone? Attention, please. For those of y’all who do not know who I am, my name is Kenny Powers. And as fcked-up and weird as it may seem, I used to be a teacher here. But now I return to you. A victor, a champion, a man who has defeated the face of Mexican baseball, not to get back my old job—fck that noise.

I’m Kenny Powers! And I am very upset with how I am acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can’t stop yelling.

How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity? ‘Cause the bitch was sleepin’ underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head.

Her son? Did you come out of her vagina? I was all up in that s**t last night!

If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.

My son is the main star of the play—his part is more important than all the other children.

God has taken a dump on my face. The love of my life doesn’t want to have sex with me ‘cause she’s marrying some smoothie-eating’ fairy.

Toby, what do you want from me? I’ve been super cool to you. I’ve given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you a toy, will that erase the curse?

Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me.

I’ve had a lot of memories and sometimes I have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes, when you try to dump the smaller ones, you think they’re gone but they’re not. They’re sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.

I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah, that feels familiar. I think I’m going to need to change my pants. I’m just playing, I didn’t come in my pants.

See, in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.

Look at the goddamn sax player from ‘Lost Boys out here trying to rub the goddamn language barrier in my face.

Just like that, the journey is over… depression is finished, and you’re on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people.

I’ve been blessed with many things in this life—an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.

The good thing about getting over depression is…well…you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn’t an obstacle; just some people are.

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But, you can have a pocket full of gold, it doesn’t mean sh*t if you don’t have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it’s an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

Is that my thong? Oh, dude no way! You do not go into my drawers and take out a pair of my choices. That is a big no-no!

I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. F*ck this guy.

Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some I liked. Some I really fucking hated. I’m not mentioning any names, but let’s just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole.

And why are you wearing FUBU? That’s for them, by them. You’re assimilating weirdly. You look like a goddamn, strange sort of Mexican Grimace…

Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say, ‘F that B.’ Everything I have in this life, I earned myself. There’s no cosmic luck deciding sh*t for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant—I earned myself. The one thing I didn’t earn myself was when I caught crabs. I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.

I’ve been blessed with many things in this life—an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.

Whenever I look at a Mexican I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass you think of me, OK?

I feel like my life’s become Requiem For a Dream. And I have front-row seat tickets to the as*-to-ass scene. Toby’s the dildo, and I’m both as*holes…

You can’t be running around worried about every goddamn bridge you’ve burned. You’ll never get across the river.

When my ss was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I haven’t played professionally for several years now, but in my heart, I quit for real this time. Tonight. It’s time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I’m back and nobody gives a sht.

In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack. Creature of immense strength, large in size, a leader from birth, hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers—most of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them.

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