Instagram star and noted Alabama football fan Maddie Hope is teasing bikini videos from her car, while I’m sitting in mine trying to bang out Nightcaps while waiting for my wife to get out of the doctor’s office.

Different worlds, man. Also, do I call my wife Ms. Nightcaps or is that too Screencaps-ish? Maybe I’ll go with First Lady? Feel like that ones been done before, too, but whatever. I ain’t above it.

No bikini snaps from me today, though. Sorry. You’ll just have to settle for TikTok’s Maddie Hope.

Welcome to Thursday! We’re one day away from mailing it in, and I’m officially moved out and moved into my new house. What a whirlwind week.

Is there anything worse than moving? My back is shot to hell, I’m sore all over, and I spent the final hours at my old place late last night frantically throwing crap in my car in the pouring rain.

And now I’ve got a beautiful new house that’s in complete shambles because it’s littered with unmarked boxes. Good news, though: I did convince the First Lady to let me keep the two giant light-up pumpkins I found at Goodwill a few years back that will perfectly let my new neighbors know who exactly they’re dealing with.

Hope Jim and Jill from across the street, who I met yesterday, are ready for an obnoxious few weeks in October. Buckle up, you two.

We’re gonna dive into Maddie Hope here in a bit. Along the way, I want to make fun of the Yankees and Aaron Boone, admire the Braves, call plays with Tua, and maybe pour one out for perfectly stable Britney Spears.

Our girl is ending her marriage this week after 14 blissful months. What a run. Can’t say they didn’t try.

Grab an IPA to celebrate National Hazy IPA Day and try to force yourself to take a sip before going back to your Yuengling — class is in session.

Tua Tagovailoa is clearly past his concussion issues

Obviously we’re starting with the best QB in the league. #MyQB1. The Left Arm Of God himself, Tua Tagovailoa.

Boy, if you’re anti-Tua you’re really gonna hate this column for the next few months.

My man grilled the Miami media yesterday on their play-calling skills, and it went exactly how you’d expect.

Listen up, nerds, and take notes!

Alabama fan Maddie Hope is ready to jump back into the bikini TikTok game

Ya’ll get that? He may have been in concussion protocol for like 47 straight days late last season, but Tua is BACK, baby!

Is it September yet?

Ahem … three weeks from tonight is Lions-Chiefs. How’s that for a Thursday afternoon pick-me-up? Three. Weeks.

Less than that until college football season, by the way. We actually have real live action in nine days. The Week 0 Vandy-Hawaii showdown from my new back deck is going to be electric.

Instagram and TikTok star Maddie Hope — a noted ‘Bama and Tua fan — is about as jacked up as anyone. The up-and-coming influencer unleashed one hell of a tease on social media this week involving something called Bikini Toks.

Don’t know what it is? Neither did I! Don’t worry, our girl provided some much-needed clarity early Thursday!

Aaron Boone is definitely getting fired this year, right?

Buckle up, because it’s officially #BikiniTok SZN! Who knew? Maddie Hope did, and that’s all that matters.

Roll Tide!

Zero chance Aaron Boone knew it was. The Yankees STINK this year, just got stuffed in a body bag by the Atlanta Braves — who are a damn wagon — and are under .500 this late in the year for the first time in decades.

Not to worry, though — Boonie ain’t giving up hope and neither should you!

Pour one out for Britney Spears

Honestly, I LOVE how unhinged Aaron Boone is becoming this summer. Just getting tossed every third game, mocking the hell out of umps and getting pep talks from Suzyn Waldman. Hilarious.

And by the way, I don’t want to hear how it’s not Boone’s fault and all ownership’s. Bull. The Red Sox roster construction this last offseason was one of the most puzzling things I’ve ever seen and Alex Cora still somehow has them in the thick of the Wild Card race.

PS: how good are the Braves? No shot they’re not winning the World Series this year, right?

Now to some sad news — Britney Spears and longtime husband Sam Asghari have decided to split after 14 blissful months. Tough. Didn’t see it coming, personally.

Oh well. You think Britney Spears is gonna let that get her down? Nope. She responded to the news by hopping on a horse in a yellow bikini and riding off into the great unknown.

Vaccine choices, ESPN dancing and cold sex

Glad Roar could be there to help Britney Spears get back on the horse. She’ll be OK. Always is.

Let’s giddy on up and high-tail it out of here so we can all go cruise the streets looking for Maddie Hope.

We’ll start with … ESPN! The World Wide (Woke) Leader gave the internet some A+ content this morning when the fellas on Get Up! did the two-step for the world to see.

Some much going on there. Don’t know what the hell Greeny just did, but I am 100% in. The whitest of white guy dance moves. And that’s coming from me — someone who absolutely refuses to dance beyond your typical toe-tap in the corner.

Dan Orlovsky grew up in a locker room and it shows, by the way. More than held his own there after a rocky start. He’s also one of the very few people left at ESPN who’s tolerable. He’s also maybe the most pro-Tua guy in the world, so I’m probably biased.

Still, gives me an excuse to play this bad boy:

Still makes me chuckle every time. One of my favorite QB moves of all time.

Speaking of ESPN … let’s talk COVID vaccine!

Yes, apparently the world — the media, mostly — is still talking about COVID in 2023, and they’re still hung up on this useless vaccine. Amazing.

And now, it turns out which arm you let get jabbed had a lot to do with the protection. Wrap it up!

Researchers in Germany found people who got all their shots in one arm had a stronger immune response than those who distributed shots between both arms, according to a study published last week in eBioMedicine, a peer-reviewed journal from The Lancet Discovery Science.

They just won’t stop, will they? It’s truly amazing how people are still talking about this crap — COVID, the vaccine — three years later.

As someone who makes a living by knowing a thing or two about Google algorithms, there’s just no shot people are still searching for this stuff. We do not care. Let me say it again for the dummies in the back …

WE DO NOT CARE.

What we do care about, however, is sex. Big fans. Always have been, since the beginning of time.

Good thing we now have this little piece of advice from Dr. Camilla Lewin — a Brazilian doctor who also doubles as a former Miss World Fitness star.

Dr. Camilla Lewin, who also competed in Miss World Fitness 2022, made the unusual claim in an interview on Wednesday, saying she now frequently feels frisky after freezing her physique in frigid waters.

“It improved my sexual appetite,” the 31-year-old excitedly told NudePR.com. “I believe it is one of the best practices for health.”

“When I found this completely natural and hormone-free format, it was a great discovery for me,” lusty Lewin further proclaimed. “I didn’t expect it, it was a surprise! Now I separate several bags of ice for my bathtub.”

Ice up, fellas!

Now let’s go have a night.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Would you ride in a car with Bama fan Maddie Hope? Email me at [email protected].