What do The Christmas Secret (aka Flight of Reindeer), A Town Without Christmas, The Sons of Mistletoe, Santa Jr., Silent Night, A Christmas Visitor, Finding John Christmas, A Carol Christmas, A Boyfriend for Christmas and When Angels Come to Town all have in common? Well, other than all of the above-listed being incredibly cheesy Christmas movies whose very titles delight us to rattle off (seriously folks, I could keep on listing these fun trifles until the proverbial cows come home…), they’re also the product of the Hallmark Channel and the unifying theme behind the upcoming – wait for it – Hallmark Channel Christmas Cruise. Can’t land tickets for auteur Kevin Smith’s (Clerks, Chasing Amy) own upcoming cruise? Fear not, the Hallmark expedition seems to us like the perfect substitute, Dear and Constant Reader!

From our Captain Merrill Stubing fanatics over at The Hollywood Reporter comes the unexpected and delightfully wonky news that The Hallmark Channel is partnering up with a theme cruise company – Sixthman – for a bona-fide cruise which will celebrate everything bizarre and downright holiday festive about those perennial Christmas movies which, like clockwork, the channel churns out every November and December.

So what’s included in this excursion into Christmas fun? According to the press release, die-hard Hallmark Channel aficionados will be allowed the opportunity to personally hobnob aboard the Norwegian Gem with some of the stars of past Hallmark Christmas movies, pesky restraining orders or not. Hey, with an impending actor’s strike looming, what else are these borscht-belt thespians going to do with their time?

 For those brave and hardy souls who choose to embark on the cruise, the voyage itself will begin on November 5 where it will take off from Miami and run through the 9th, allowing for all sorts of fun. In that window of time, folks not glued to a continuous loop of Hallmark Christmas flicks will get to enjoy the decidedly not-quite Christmas atmosphere of Nassasu, Bahamas. Everything old is now new again, at least according to the gospel of Hallmark.

Other points of interest within the confines of the cruise ship itself will be such Hallmark-ish things as Christmas crafts,a  genuine worldwide debut of a brand-spankin’ new Hallmark Channel Christmas movie entitled Countdown to Christmas, a star-studded tree lighting ceremony, a ton of potential photo opps, fan forums, an ugly Christmas sweater contest and Christmas cookie decorating to complement the holiday proceedings; hello, sugar diabetes!

In a statement announcing the cruise, Big Wheel for Hallmark Natalie Vandergast proclaimed loudly and proudly that “We hear time and time again that people want to immerse themselves in the world of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies and this venture is sure to bring our brand to life in a new, captivating way. We are delighted to count down to Christmas 2024 aboard an adventure that will allow our stars and enthusiastic fanbase alike to create everlasting memories together at sea.”

Interested? Then leap off that couch and snag your exclusive tickets for the Hallmark Channel Christmas Cruise ASAP, because tickets for pre-sale lasts only until July 19, after which general public bookings will be the rule of the day.

We’ll give the last word on this unlikely cruise event to Sixthman guru Jeff Cuellar who seems to sum it up a lot better than we ever could: “Loyal fans will celebrate timeless Hallmark Channel Christmas traditions and create new ones with their families, a ship full of Hallmarkies and Hallmark Channel’s holiday stars. Leave your puffy jacket and grab your Christmas spirit and passion for Hallmark Channel Christmas movies as we set sail on the most heartwarming, holly jolly experience on the high seas.”