TW: suicide

Everyone has an angel. Everyone. Everyone has a devil. Everyone. Don’t be fooled that you don’t, besides, you can’t deny that they exist. They are all over, watching us, like dark shadows. They come in strange places and in strange times; daring us, and challenging us. I am talking about devils, not angels. I know this. You are never safe, even if you have your angel. I will tell you my story, so listen carefully. 

You think you do but you don’t control your life. The world you think that you control is in a place unknown to you, and not even angels come near this place because they can’t breathe or live there. You can cry or whisper, even beg, but your angel can’t rescue you if you are there. It won’t happen. It’s like trying to stop a snowflake from melting on your forehead. 

Even though it was a beautiful morning when I woke up – I knew it was dwelling inside of me; powerful, dark. I needed to escape but there was no place to go to. It would go with me, wherever I went. Now I understand why some people go crazy, and others don’t live long; it’s like a sacrifice. They simply give up, mentally and physically. It sets them free, I think, spiritually, or, they become prisoners of themselves in a dark place where the beast is gnarling behind your neck, and whispering unholy words. How can one be normal? You can’t. Not even angels. I wonder where mine is now. They can be so naïve sometimes, and just as weak as human beings are because they only known about the light, and good things. I know this, trust, me. 

It was inside of me much before I sensed it. It all started with one thought, a Negative thought that ruined my existence forever. Just one little thought. It was like a black lightning ripping my soul and tearing it apart, cutting deep, and sending bright sparkles of darkness into thin air — unexplainable, I know.

In the stillness of the night I talked to it. It was roaring in my guts and it coiled in my heart making me somber and sad. The toxin of evil is like a painful poisonous dart in your flesh — ripping you inside out. I was scared; a wanderer of the unknown. What had I done? How did it start? It told me so: because of my darkest, secret thoughts. A bad thought that I had — simple and clear, just like that, and out of the blue — I wanted something that I shouldn’t have wanted; whispered words in the silence of my room, in despair. The second I thought it, it heard me, and like a sticky magnet, it came to me, and found me. It traveled through caves and dark tunnels; sewage and filth until it took over my body. And so, I was doomed. It would never leave. It told me so. I had called it; summoned it with one unearthly thought. I really didn’t mean it, you know. It was just a thought, but it came, nonetheless, and … it heard me; it found the secret entrance to my heart. 

It told me that it followed thoughts; roaming the earth. Bad thoughts. Negative Thoughts. Any little bad thought. It read secret, mental images like a light bulb illuminating dark alleys and dark attics, dark souls. I only listened, scared. It said that I shouldn’t have suicidal thoughts, but I couldn’t avoid it at the time. I was trapped in my life. I was sad, without hope; unloved. I felt hopeless. The feeling wouldn’t go away. I felt that I had to go someplace, somewhere, but one cannot escape destiny or negative thoughts. I never thought about this. I should have.

So I asked it. I couldn’t take it any longer. I wanted me back; I wanted my life back. In the stillness of the night, when I couldn’t endure it any longer, and while trees softly brushed on my window, I finally talked to it.

“Who—what are you?” I asked.

“I am like … an energy sucker.” It replied.

“Why are you residing in me?”

“Food.”

“Food?” I inquired.

“Yes. You give me ‘food’. It’s how I survive.” It told me.

“What do you eat?” I asked, curious.

“I eat your ectoplasm, but the one that comes from your … dark side.”

“Dark side, me?” 

“Yes. It’s located on the top, left hand-side of your shoulder. Whatever you think: dark secrets, the forbidden, your sins, it all goes there, and stays there. Waiting for me.” 

“But…” He interrupted me.

“I know. You want to understand. I sense it… no, I smell your curiosity, your weakness. And so, I come, wherever I am, even miles away, in deserts or marshes; in caves or mountains, I come like a lightning in a storm. Your ‘darkness’ is like … perfume to me, and I thrive on it.”

“Any type of negative thoughts?” I wondered.

“No. Only the really evil ones.” It told me.

“But…” He interrupted me, again.

“I know. ‘I am not evil,’ you may think. You didn’t want to kill, rape, destroy or hurt, but you wanted to harm yourself.”

“It only took a minute.” I said, nervously.

“No. It was longer than that. Besides, you held a blade. You pressed it against your skin. I smelled the warm, little drop of blood. This was enough for me to know, feel, smell the scent … and find you.” It whispered. Then, it laughed.

“I stopped!”

“Yes, but you started!”

“I changed my mind!” I replied angrily.

“Yes, but you might change it again.”

“I stopped! Isn’t that enough?” I questioned.

“No. How can I be sure?” It told me.

“Why do you … stay?” 

“I wait. I make you remember. I wait for it to come … back.”

“It won’t.”

“It might.” It said, softly.

“You’re wrong.”

“I’m always right.” It said, certain.

“Always… is an eternity.” I pointed out.

“I am eternity.” It told me.

“Who are you?” I demanded.

“I was born two thousand years ago from dust. Dust that blew in the desert, and dunes in faraway lands; in the other side of the world. I was born from dark thoughts, and these same thoughts — of hate, revenge, treason, lies, anger, death, destruction, and endless wars — they have fed me all these centuries; there is no end. Each year they become stronger, more passionate. It passes from generation to generation, from father to son, from mother to daughter, from one country to another; from one human being to another. I sense it, feel it, and I … become.”

“My negative thought was nothing compared to all these evil things you mention…” I said, impatient.

“I know, but it’s how it starts, though. I will be here, waiting, patiently.” It murmured.

“Why?”

“Because you are who you are. Your kind it so vulnerable.” It whispered, certain of its answers.

“And what about your kind?” I enquired.

“There is only one, only me but I am … many, everywhere, and I am in the universal cosmic breath. I am who I am and I will always be this way, listening, gathering, conquering, and becoming stronger. I am … many.”

“What for? Why?”

“Because so. Why not?” It told me.

“This is not a reasonable answer.”

“Why?” It asked me.

“Because … I want to understand you.” I told it.

“So that you can fight me?” It asked me, defiantly.

“Maybe so.” I answered, unsure.

“You’ll never win.” It told me.

“I might, that’s the truth, I might.” I responded.

“How do you know what is the … truth?”

“The truth is the magic of reality.” I answered.

“What is magic, and what is reality?”

“Well…” It interrupted me once more.

“Answer these questions if you can: Who started what? When? Why? What is beyond darkness? Who was the first person? Why are there so many different types of persons? Why are there so many different types of animals? Why are there so many types of … everything? Explain.” It asked.

“Well…” I started, uncertain.

“Answer: What are things made of? Why do you have day and night, winter and summer? Cold and hot? Good and bad? Why do you have wars? Why do you have evil people? What about the sun? Will it ever end?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know!” 

“Ha! What is a rainbow? What are the secrets of the trees? How did it all start? Are you alone in this Cosmos?” 

“So many questions, all at once; so many answers.” I said, nervously.

“What is an earthquake? A tsunami? Twisters? What is death? Sickness? Diseases? Cancer? Why do bad things happen more often than good things? Why are there so many laws in order to live in peace in this world?”

“Well, I don’t know.” I answered.

“What are miracles? Are they real? What about the stars? And what about shooting stars? Where are they, really? Why are there stones and plants, rain and wind, butterflies and camels, sea stars and dolphins, weed and orchids, sand and flowers? What for? Why do we have waterfalls and deserts, sugar and salt? Why money? Why so many skin colors? What is … faith?”

“Wait! Stop. Stop. You are confusing me with all these questions. My heart is beating fast in my chest. I need to think. Wait, please stop.” I begged it.

“Ha! What’s a galaxy, and a bacteria? How many atoms are there in your body? And water? Icebergs? Where did all this come from? Why? Where do you go? When does it end? Is there an end? How? Will it all end in an explosive collision of rocks, heat waves, and fire in the corner of this universe? Is there life after death?” It kept asking.

“Stop. I cannot answer your questions. I don’t know! I wish I knew. Stop. You ask so many difficult questions. I must think. I am confused. You trouble me. My head aches. Stop. I suffer. Let me be!” I implored.

“Ha! Is there alien life in other planets? Answer! Or better, are you an alien for other life forms? Can we talk to the dead? Are they really dead? Will you ever understand the supernatural? What about the elements? Are there angels? Are there other spiritual planes? Spiritual realms? Don’t even try to … understand. It’s out of your reach because knowledge is power; power which you don’t have. It’s like being on top of a mountain overlooking a valley, all alone, only listening to the wind blowing in its eternal silence.” It declared.

“Stop. Please, stop. I am confused. I am troubled and scared. I don’t want to know these answers. Who wants to know these answers? I am afraid. I am having a panic attack. Stop. Stop. Stop!” I pleaded.

“Ha! Do you believe that Dromordeener, descended from heaven and went to Tasmania to see what all that confusion was about? He saw the ‘people’ that lived there and he felt sorry for them. He gave them knees and eliminated their tails and they became humans. And today you find different versions of those people. And they call themselves … brothers. Are they really? Or was the first person, created by Moinee, who created a human that he named Parlevar? What happened? Did we all come from the Milky Way? Answer! Why do you pray? To whom? Believe me. No one listens. Trust me. No one.”

“These are old stories; like Adam and Eve.” I said.

“Maybe. You’ll never know for sure, won’t you?” It asked me, defiantly.

“Well, yes but what about Jupiter, Mars, the Moon, gigantic gas formations, Venus, and billions and billions of other stars like planet Earth? What about life in other planets?” I asked.

“No water. No life. Nothing. No one. I know.” It told me.

“No one?”

“No one. It’s just an empty, dark, black space out there.” It told me again.

“Oh I am so confused. I am in despair. No hope. Oh, no hope. I want to die. I want to die! I don’t know the answers to your questions. I never did; I never will. No one will, right? Oh I want to die. I want to die.” I was nervous, impatient; helpless.

“Ha! I told you so!”

“So, there isn’t magic, no poetic magic, no inspiration, no truth, no beauty in things, only vulgar tricks, and no fascination, no hope, no light?” I asked.

“Nothing.” It assured me.

There’s no laughter, love, friendship, future, and hope?” I asked, crying.

“Nothing.” It whispered.

“There’s…”

“… nothing.”

“What about the other one hundred million stars in our galaxy?” I insisted.

“Nothing. No life forms. Nothing. Believe me.” It said.

“Oh.” My heart was empty. I felt all alone in the universe.

“It’s the truth. Trust me! It’s like when you see the light of a star in a telescope. It’s far, untouchable, unknown, shining. In reality, that light is yellow and dead, and most likely it could be the light of a destroyed star, from millions of years ago. It’s unreal. Nothing is real. Not even … you. There was nothing, and there is nothing!” It told me.

“Oh. Why do I live? Why do I suffer, feel pain and sadness, get sick, have diseases? I am lonely and unloved. Why? What is the purpose of life and living in this planet, in the middle of this dark space? Oh I wonder about my existence. I want to die. I want to die! It’s useless … I’m useless.” I said, giving up.

“Ha! See? There you go. I told you so. You have no faith in the unknown. You deserve to be gone. I was right. You cannot handle the magic of the cosmic universal law. You are weak, but I still want your soul, anyway. I won. You lost. Come now. You are mine. Come to me. Come! You are better off with me. Come, I command you.” It ordered.

“I—I…”

I felt hopeless. I felt lost. And so I did it. I couldn’t control myself. I felt a warm, red darkness envelope me, holding its greedy hands around my body. I shouldn’t have done it. I should have listened to the words blown in the wind, in the morning. I should have… Oh I was weak. It tricked me. It played with my naive, troubled mind. And so I went to it and it took me to its kingdom. I am here now. I still don’t know the answers to all the questions. Maybe there are no answers. There are only questions. I saw no angels, here. There is only heat, pain and sadness. There’s no light, life, love, happiness, friendship, and tenderness. The night is dark and full of terrors; the stars bleed on me but with no light. There is no future, hope, and no faith; the faith that I lacked. Listen to me. Have faith. Believe. Don’t feel that you are a lonely boat, cast away in far, deep blue seas. You see, there are always islands, if you keep looking, if you keep searching. There is always an answer. There is always a solution. Don’t allow shadows that come, and dark thoughts that might, and will, overcast your mind, and soul. Don’t let negative thoughts flow in your veins, like toxin. Never. Ever. Have faith, no matter what, and don’t allow doubt in your heart. You will suffer, become troubled, you’ll even feel lonely sometimes, but fight your way out. It’s better than having nothing; absolutely nothing at all.