I never thought I’d find myself sitting through another one of these, but here we are. The Polish-language Netflix original Squared Love probably did decently enough to warrant a sequel, but a trilogy? Did we really need this threequel? Short answer: no way! As if the first movie wasn’t already dripping in tropes and cliches, the second part and the third part take focus away from the main couple and jump straight into new characters who become weeds in the field of Monika and Stefan’s love. The third film in the franchise begins directly after the end of Squared Love All Over Again. It begins as if it’s finally showing us how Stefan and Monika need time to get to know each other and possibly what it might be like for them to have a family sometime soon, but it quickly pivots into something else. It’s a tale as old as time: a jealous partner, the introduction of an ex, and a kid for a man who had no idea he existed.
Monika and Stefan’s chemistry already lies low in the depths of the sea, where creatures unknown prey on it, but to stretch it to a third film really is remarkably bold. If the sequel that came out this year itself wasn’t proof enough that this duo was not grabbing any eyeballs, at least they could’ve tried to push some romance their way. Or maybe it’s because they’re so un-in-love with each other that the creators have to add other obstacles in their lives to make them remember that there’s some love there. Squared Love Everlasting is boring, tedious, and entirely unromantic. It’s not even funny enough to be called a rom-com. It’s just a family drama with no direction.
What’s even more fascinating is how Monika’s character arc has progressed through the films thus far. She’s a school teacher who doubled as a model (spoiler alert for the first two films), then fell in love and got caught living a double life. Then she chose to stick to teaching but did one last gig as a model because it involved a kids’ music show. This “Hannah Montana” life is really not meant for everybody, but in a film like Squared Love, it was totally okay if Monika stuck to doing both gigs and continued to be successful. Instead, she goes back to her roots, loses her way there again, and then gets distracted by the thought of having a family.
Stefan, on the other hand, literally has no personality or anything to do in this entire film except want to be a father. In a romantic movie, it’s important for us to get to know the main characters so that we feel some kind of connection with them and then root for their happiness. Instead, here, I couldn’t care less if Monika left him for somebody else or vice versa. At least in the first two films, there was some believability in Stefan’s character because he lost his job, his money, and his “life” but then ended up finding love with Monika (I make it sound so much more romantic than it was). Squared Love Everlasting has no love, never mind everlasting love, and I’m still unclear why it’s titled Squared Love. There’s not a single moment in this film that will make you smile or laugh because it’s all so predictable and unworthy. The only reason I sat through the whole thing was to write this review.
Apart from the main plot of the film, which on its own feels like a romantic cliche that is half-baked, there are a bunch of small plots that are mostly inserted as fillers and seem very unnecessary. This is the third installment; by now, these two characters should be madly in love, not fighting each other and struggling to get along. These are clear signs that they’re not meant to be. Apparently, though, it’s not just the couple themselves that don’t get the memo; it’s the entire cast.
Really, this movie may have done better for me if it was labeled a drama, because then I wouldn’t be picking at the same things that make it more horrid by the second. Do filmmakers really think a handsome cast and some good old tropes are going to get us to keep watching these films? Because really, there’s nothing to gain from this movie, not even entertainment, which is what it’s meant for. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but it’s unfortunate that the standard for romantic films is already set so low, and then we have such movies that truly tarnish the name of the genre.
Monika and Stefan are the least interesting leading pair I have seen in a while, and that’s what makes this whole experience even worse. By the end of the movie, no issues are resolved, and everything from start to finish is predictable. The new hippie character is another cliche, and there’s nothing special she brings to the table. The one interesting character in the movie, who is a child, barely has any lines, and when she does say something interesting, she’s sent away. If I had to rank the trilogy in order of best to worst, Squared Love Everlasting would be last. The series just deteriorates in every way possible as the movies progress. The first one, which was quite bad on its own, has got to be the best of the lot.
If you have a lot of free time on your hands, find a different hobby because Squared Love Everlasting may ruin your mood for real. For me, this movie is completely skippable (as was the previous one), and I’d rate it about 1.5 out of 5 stars.
