MGM grads Lana Turner and Joan Crawford faced latter day dilemmas discerning love from lust, as cougars versus beach boy toys, in Love Has Many Faces and Female on the Beach.

Here, these divas play tough cookies with lots of dough. In 1965’s Love, Turner plays Kit Jordan, the richest woman in the world. In 1955’s Beach, Crawford is Lynn Markham, former Las Vegas “specialty dancer” and widow of a rich “business man.” Both ladies are loaded (sometimes in every sense!) but lonely. Lana’s Kit cools her cha-cha heels in Acapulco, with beach boys and a bevy of Edith Head costumes. Kit’s cool changes when her most recent boy washes up on shore, an apparent suicide. Joan’s Lynn decides to move in to her late husband’s California ocean front pad after the tenant dies mysteriously. “Love is thin ice,” as Lana’s parting jewelry gift is inscribed, which describes both of these sordid soaps.

In Love Has Many Faces, Lana Turner was 43 during filming; co-cougars Ruth Roman and Virginia Grey were 42 and 47. Lana gets the super-glam treatment and was also the best preserved of the trio. Still, they are all treated like desperate dames. What makes this more absurd is that beach "boys" Cliff Robertson and Hugh O' Brian were 40 and 39. Both had nice physiques, especially show-off O' Brian, but they looked a bit weathered themselves.

In Female on the Beach, Joan Crawford is the lone cougar, with 34-ish stud Jeff Chandler selling his wares. Joan was on the eve of turning 49 during the Beachshoot—if you think she was born in 1906. Crawford shows off her taut figure at every turn, at times touching herself for no apparent reason. While her magnificent face is filmed very flatteringly, Joan’s insistence on her latter day kabuki makeup negates the effect. Interestingly, both Lana and Joan sport very cropped hair-dos in their beach soaps—to prevent bed-head?

Stephanie Powers was age 21 during shooting of Love Has Many Faces. She plays an innocent young woman there to claim the dead body of her former boyfriend, last seen as Lana's latest beach boy toy. The police and Powers want to know if fun couple Lana and Cliff had anything to do with the young man's death. Powers is a sensible nice girl here, so her Edith Head duds are a bit dowdy, while Acapulco Lanita dazzles in her playgirl get-ups. It’s implied that Robertson, a one-time beach boy who married sugar mama Lana, is age-appropriate for Powers, even though he was nearly twice her age in real life.

In Female on the Beach, the only competition is the edgy realtor, Amy Rawlinson, played by Jan Sterling, no stranger to tough broads. Jan’s sullen puss always reminded me of a mean Marilyn Monroe. Watching Joan and Jan is one of the many camp highlights of this bitchy Beach.

Close-up on Lana

The main difference with Love Has Many Faces from Turner’s other latter day soaps is that Lana goes from suffering in mink to suffering in swim wear! As with a number of Turner films, Love plays to her off-screen reputation. At this point, she had survived the Johnny Stompanato scandal and made a huge comeback in Imitation of Life. Turner had appeared in a number of sexy soaps playing up her femme fatale persona. Love was perhaps the gaudiest, but the biggest was just around the corner, Madame X. Lana is softly lensed in Love by MGM veteran Joseph Ruttenberg.

Lana was in great trim, borderline thin and super tan, with platinum hair. Acapulco was Lana's playground at the time, so she was quite at home in the milieu of sun and “fun.” Lana's costumes are borderline drag queen but suit this movie just fine.

Lana postures vary between world-weary and worrisome. This movie tries to have its cake and eat it, too. Savor the sinning, followed by uplifting regret! Cliff Robertson, who suffers from seller's remorse to Lana, is a sullen sad sack. Hugh O'Brian has fun with his role of the bad boy beach boy. And he certainly doesn't mind showing what the good Lord gave him. Ruth Roman's no-nonsense rich broad is a bit of fresh air in this salacious soap. In all the publicity pix with Hugh O’Brian and his cougar Roman, she looks like she’s about to claw him.

The story is as slight as Lana's figure, but the finale is a hoot. As Cliff's kept hubby is drawn to Powers pure bred girl, Lana's Kit gets in a snit and lets herself get gored by a bull... symbolism anyone? Still, there's a happy ending for Lana in Love Has Many Faces, and that doesn't mean Turner’s Kit now has two navels!

Joan’s Close-up

In Female on the Beach, Joan Crawford’s Lynn Markham shows up to reclaim her beach abode. The cops are investigating the crime scene down on the beach, while the realtor and her crew are busily cleaning up the mess inside. This is pre-CSI/Law and Order, for sure. Love Joan's side eye as the realtor and crew try to do a quick cleanup, necessitated after the last tenant’s very abrupt departure.

As with many latter day Joan Crawford vehicles, her character gives a little speech rationalizing why she's become such a tough broad. Here, Lynn tells the tale of sharing a room with two other sisters—sob! She tells the beach cop that she's longed to be alone in a big house just like her beach digs.

When local gigolo Drummy wakes up Joan’s Lynn early in the a.m, I half expected her to yowl, "Christopher, Tina, dammmm-it!" Jeff Chandler’s Drummy soon finds out that Lynn prefers her morning deep brewed flay-vah alone!

After one day of intoning that she wants to be alone more than Garbo in Grand Hotel, Lynn's second evening finds her lonely and bored. In her new digs, she’s moping around in a cocktail dress with a drink, moodily listening to the movie's sultry soundtrack. Finally Lynn grabs her jeweled sweater and goes for a beach stroll in ankle strap heels, like any of us would do. Spotting Drummy toiling on his parked boat, she climbs aboard. After some acidic banter, they kiss, with further turgid dialogue.

The next day Lynn gets invited to dinner and cards by Drummy’s older pals. Watching Female on the Beach, I had a mental image of Natalie Schaefer’s husband here played by Gilligan’s Island co-star Jim Backus, instead of Cecil Kellaway. Picture Lovey and Thurston Howell as gigolo pimps!

It’s a chilly beachfront morning, but Joan’s widow is clad in only a coat, skimpy shorts, and high heels! As she stokes a fire, a brick in the fireplace comes loose. Like something out of Nancy Drew, Lynn pulls it out to find late tenant Eloise Crandall's diary. How does she know?  Because it says so, in big block letters! Like all old movies, the handwriting looks like over-sized cursive exercises. And surprise, Crandall's tale of romance with Drummy seems familiar!

Every time Lynn fights with Drummy, she hits the bottle and turns into a wretched mess. After the last time Drummy doesn't call, Lynn goes on a bender. She staggers around in a nightie with a Peter Pan collar and puffed sleeves, knocks over ashtrays, and slurs insults. But the minute he calls, she's sober and in blissfully in love again. Reunited, they both let down their butch hair to disclose their sorry pasts.

Though Joan's “specialty dancer” was only married to her "business man" a scant half dozen years, she didn't know much about life when she met him... implying that she was a shallow young woman. Uh, Joan's 50ish here! Chandler's Drummy possesses quite the fake scar, courtesy from his suicidal mother.

Before they head off on his boat to get hitched, it's Sterling's Amy who now gets to make a sloppy drunken scene over Drummy. On their way, a contrived plot device causes Joan to distrust her man again. Which leads to the climax where latter day Joan once again goes mano-a-mano against her leading man. The movie wraps up in dime store novel fashion and Joan doesn't even get gored by a bull—unless you count Jeff Chandler!

Female on the Beach could be titled The Three Faces of Joan. Joan’s Lynn is alternately: the iron-clad widow; the boozy, suspicious woman; and the warm woman in love. Viewers can get whiplash trying to keeping up. But like many of Joan Crawford’s latter day vehicles, it's just an excuse for Joan to run through her greatest hits of movie posturing. Jeff Chandler holds his own against Crawford, alternately sexy and sinister. And Jeff’s a hunk of silver fox, to boot.

Final Score

Both Love Has Many Faces and Female on the Beach are campier than Halloween at Cher’s house, but I give Joan’s bitchy beach soap the edge. While Love has many eye-rolling moments, Beach has so many howler lines that it’s virtually a Carol Burnett parody of a Joan Crawford movie. On a high camp level, both ladies’ star vehicles are also highly enjoyable.

Here is my look at Lana’s last and greatest comeback, Imitation of Life:

https://ricksrealreel.blogspot.com/2017/12/imitation-of-life-1959.html

Here is my take on one of Joan Crawford’s most sympathetic latter day roles, with Cliff Robertson, in Autumn Leaves:

https://ricksrealreel.blogspot.com/2022/09/crawfords-latter-day-best-autumn-leaves.html