SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– As a way to ease the burden of hardworking shoplifters, progressive Governor Gavin Newsom responded by signing a bill that will force all retailers in California to offer free home delivery directly to the homes of potential thieves.

Gavin Newsom was all smiles as he signed the bill in front of a crowd of cheering criminals in ski masks, promising them that as long as he is governor shoplifters will have a voice.

“It’s about time our marginalized shoplifting community got more rights,” said Newsom while a shoplifter picked his pocket. “For far too long law-abiding citizens have had more rights than our area’s hardworking criminals, who have now become the backbone of our wonderful progressive state.”

According to a recent survey, many shoplifters have complained that they can only carry a limited amount of items by hand and petitioned the governor to allow them the right to have home delivery of stolen goods.

With California’s growing shoplifting community, said Newsom, more steps needed to be taken to pass laws that will protect the state’s much-needed criminals from facing discrimination from stores that refuse to let people just take whatever they want without paying for it.

“This new home delivery bill will now make it easier for people to steal,” said Newsom. “Shoplifters don’t even have to leave the comfort of their stolen homes to get the goods they need to survive. But they can still go to their local retailers and shoplift in person if they would like. Go in and take a few things off the shelf, and then when you’re leaving just place your order to have additional items shipped to your house.”