WASHINGTON– American citizens were ecstatic after they heard the news that their elected officials in the US Senate passed a $95 billion America first aid package to help both secure the border and struggling Americans, but were quickly disheartened once they found out that the money was going to foreign countries once again.

During an afterparty news conference, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer gave the American people the good news that their money was once again going to be sent to Israel, Ukraine, and Taiwan and absolutely nothing to the United States of America.

“Great news, everyone,” said Schumer while Republican Senator Mitch McConnell French-kissed an illegal immigrant. “Both Democrats and Republicans in Congress put our differences aside and passed a wonderful bipartisan bill that will send your money to Israel, Ukraine, and Taiwan. I’m sure Americans will sleep better at night knowing that their hard-earned money is being used for corrupt purposes.”

With a spring in his step, a jovial Schumer made it abundantly clear that none of the money from the $95 billion will be going to the US border crisis, homeless veterans, or the residents till suffering in East Palestine, Ohio and Maui, Hawaii.

“Hey, remember that time when we refused to give Trump $5 billion to build a border wall?” Asked McConnell as him and his fellow senators laughed about all the times they have screwed over America. “Don’t take it personally, America, but we don’t work for you and we promise to always put America last.”

To show that they weren’t totally heartless, Congress members McConnell and Schumer bowed their heads for a few seconds and then sent their thoughts and prayers as a way to address all of America’s problems.