Get ready to laugh with these hilarious Marriage jokes! From humorous anecdotes about husband-Wife dynamics to funny observations about the ups and downs of married life, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. 

Discover witty one-liners about chores, communication mishaps, and the eternal battle for the TV remote. 

Whether you're married or not, these jokes playfully highlight the quirks and humorous moments that often arise in relationships. 

Share these lighthearted jokes with your spouse, friends, or anyone who appreciates a good laugh. Get ready for some comedic relief as you dive into this collection of funny marriage jokes that will have you chuckling and nodding your head in agreement.

Here are some 39 light-hearted marriage jokes that capture the essence of this unique bond.

1. "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

2. A husband complains to a marriage counselor: "When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" says the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

3. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

4. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

5. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things.  I just won the California lottery!"  

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"  The man responds, "I don't care.  Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

6. A man and his wife entered a dentist’s office. The wife said, 

"I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want any anesthetics because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You’re a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turned to her husband and said, 

"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

7. If you want to change the world, do it while you are single. Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel.

8. I joined Bachelors Anonymous.  Every time I feel like getting married they send around a woman in curlers to annoy me for a while.

9. Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, wearing a white silky robe, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

10. A farmer and his brand-new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses when the older horse stumbles. 

The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. 

His brand-new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

11. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Patrick Murray

12. If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

13. A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other silent treatment.  

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.  

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

14. A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. 

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

15. Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?

A: Mississippi.

16. Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" "No, she's broke." "Well, then, is it sex?" "Nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what can she do that I can't?" "...Sue me for child support."

17. A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. 

Driving his partner nuts. 

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" 

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." 

"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

18. Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

19. Walking down the street I see a beggar holding this sign:

"Wife + dog kidnapped by ninjas.

Need $$ for kung-fu lesson.

I really want that dog back."

20. Dealing with your wife is easy, you just have to understand that sometimes she is right and sometimes you are wrong.

21. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

23. John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.  “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. 

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. 

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

24. I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

25. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

26. Woman: Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring. 

Man: Of course. What's your phone number?

27. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

28. The best way to get your spouse to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

29. I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backward".  I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle, and jumps in the car.

30. Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

31. Why are married men fat and bachelors are not? The bachelors go to the fridge. They see nothing that they want, and then they go to bed. Married men go to bed – they see nothing that they want, and then they go to the fridge.

40. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.