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Adult jokes and sex jokes 😂😂 

1. There were three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms. The mom walked by all the rooms. The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet. 

The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "You always told me not to talk with my mouth full."😂😂 

2. A blonde was walking down the street. A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her bikini top.

" As he got closer, he realized it was. He approached her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your bikini?" She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!"

3. I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" 

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" 

"No, I don't," I said. 

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" 

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"😂😂 

4. Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? 

A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.😂😂 

5. Q. What did one tit say to the other?

A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.😂😂 

6. What sexual position makes the stupidest babies? I don't know either, go ask your mama.

7. Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

A. Thanks for coming.😂😂

8. A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. 

The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.

 The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"😂😂 

9. Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" 

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

10. A Mother is preparing dinner for her family in the kitchen when her daughter enters. "Where do babies come from, Mother?" "Well, dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and marry," the mother says after a few seconds of thought. 

They go into their bedroom one night, kiss and hug, and have sex." "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina," the mother continues, perplexed. That's how you have a child, honey." The child appears to understand. 

"Oh, I see, but when I came into your room the other night, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What happens when you do that?" "Jewelry, my darling. Jewelry.”😂😂 

11. I requested a Chinese girl's phone number. She stated, "Sex, sex, and more sex! Tonight is a free sex night!" I exclaimed, "Wow!" "She means 666-3629," her friend clarified.😂😂 

12. A family is having dinner. "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" the son inquires of his father. "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases," the father responds, surprised. A woman's breasts in her twenties are round and firm, like melons.

 They are like pears in her 30s and 40s, still nice but hanging a little. They're like onions after 50." "Onions?" the son inquires. “Yes. When you see them, they make you cry." His wife and daughter were enraged.

"How many different kinds of willies are there, Mom?" the daughter inquires. "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases as well," the mother says with a smile. 

His willy is mighty and hard in his twenties, like an oak tree. It's like a birch in his 30s and 40s, flexible but dependable. It's like a Christmas tree after his 50s." "A Christmas tree?" inquires the daughter. "Yes, from the root up, and the balls are just for show."😂😂 

13. When a teacher notices Johnny isn't paying attention in class, she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" "None," Johnny says. "Why?" inquires the teacher. "Because the shot scared them all away," Johnny explains. 

"No, two," the teacher says, "but I like how you're thinking." "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, 

and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" Johnny asks the teacher. "She's the one sucking her ice cream," the teacher says. "No, the one with the wedding ring," Johnny says, "but I like how you're thinking!"😂😂 

14. "Excuse me, may I interview you?" says the reporter. "Yes!" says the man. "Name?" inquires the reporter. "Abdul Al-Rhazim," a man says. "Sex?" inquires the reporter. "Three to five times a week," says the man. Reporter: "No no! Do you mean male or female?" "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel," says the man. 

"Whoa!" exclaimed the reporter. "Yes, cows, sheep, and animals in general," says the man. "But isn't that hostile?" asks the reporter. 

"Yes, horse style, dog style, any style," says the man. "Oh no!" exclaimed the reporter. Man: "No, there is no deer. Deer move too quickly. It's difficult to catch."

15. What caused my divorce? My birthday was last week. My wife did not send me a birthday greeting. My parents, like my children, had forgotten. When I arrived at work, no one wished me a happy birthday. 

"Happy birthday, boss!" my secretary said as I walked into my office. I felt extremely special. She invited me to lunch. She invited me to her apartment after lunch.

 "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" she asked as we approached. "All right," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!!!" while I was naked on the sofa.

16. "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin," says Kid 1. "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night," says Kid 2. "As if," says Kid 1. "Yeah, just ask your sister," says Kid 2. "I don't have a sister," says Kid 1. "You will in about nine months," says Kid 2.😂😂 

17. A young girl and boy are arguing about the differences between the sexes and who is superior. Finally, the boy takes off his pants and declares, "Here's something I have that you won't have!" Because this is clearly true, the little girl is upset and runs home crying. 

After a while, she returns with a smile on her face. 

"My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!" she says, dropping her pants.😂😂 

18. "So, sex at my place?" a boy asks a girl. "Yeah!" "Okay, but because I share a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we're making sandwiches, we need a code. 😂😂 

Okay, cheese means faster and tomato means harder." "Cheese cheese, tomato!" yells the girl later. According to the younger brother, "Stop putting together sandwiches! You've got mayonnaise all over my bed!"😂

19. The mother asks her son what he did at school one day after picking him up from school. "I had sex with my teacher," the child responds. She becomes so enraged that when they arrive home, she orders him to immediately go to his room. 

When the father returns home that evening, the mother confronts him with the news of their son's actions.😂😂 

A huge grin spreads across the father's face as he hears the news. He enters his son's room and inquires about what happened at school; 😂😂 

the son replies, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is very proud of him and that he will reward him with the bike he has been requesting. The father asks his son if he wants to ride his new bike home on the way to the store. "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts," his son responds.

20. A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and during that time, they had always turned off the lights when having sex. He was embarrassed and afraid of not being able to please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. 😂😂 

She had no idea for all these years. She decided to reach over and turn on the light one day when she noticed he was using a dildo. "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" she exclaimed. "Explain the kids!" he exclaimed.😂😂 

21. Maria returned home triumphant, telling her mother how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. "Maria, they just wanted to see your pants!" her mother replied. 

"See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!" 😂😂 Maria replied.

22. Sarah attends school, and her teacher says, "Today, class, we'll be learning multi-syllable words. Is there an example of a multi-syllable word?" "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" says Sarah, waving her hand. 

"All right, Sarah, what's your multi-syllable word?" says Miss Rogers. "Mas-tur-bate," Sarah exclaims. 

"Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful," 😂😂 Miss Rogers says with a smile. "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob," Sarah says.

23. Dirty little johnny jokes- Little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom a few months after his parents divorced and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" He observed her doing this several times over the next few months. 

He came home from school one day and heard her moaning. He saw a man on top of her when he peeked into her bedroom. 

Little Johnny 😂😂 dashed into his room, stripped naked, threw himself on his bed, and began stroking and moaning "Oh, I really need a bike! I really need a bike!"😂😂 

24. A woman 😂😂 goes to the doctor because her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still in the testing phase. He tells her to put it in his mashed potatoes for dinner, so she does just that.

 She returns to the doctor about a week later, where she says, "Doc, the pill was extremely effective! I put it in the potatoes as you suggested! He jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there at the table!"😂😂 

According to the doctor, "Sorry, we didn't realise the pill was so potent! The foundation will gladly pay for any losses." ""No, that's fine," she says. We're not going back to that restaurant."

25. Sally came home from school smiling, telling her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" 😂😂 

Before the mother could object, Sally continued, "It reminded me of a peanut." Sally's mother asked, "Really small, was it?" with a hidden smile. "No, salty," Sally said. Mom passed out.

26. A man is lying on the beach, naked except for a cap over his crotch. "If you were any sort of gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady," a passing woman observes. "If you were any kind of sexy lady," he says, "the hat would lift by itself."😂😂 

27. A bride simply tells her husband, "You know I'm a virgin and know nothing about sex, honey. Could you please explain it to me first?" "Okay, darling. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. 😂😂 

So we place the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time, and the husband smiled with delight. "Honey, the prisoner appears to have escaped," his bride giggles as she nudges him.

"Then we'll have to re-imprison him," he says, turning on his side. "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" says the bride after the second time. 

The husband rises to the occasion, and they rekindle their love. "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," the bride says, to which her husband responds, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"😂😂 

28. Two boys were playing by a stream one day. One of the young boys noticed a bush and approached it. The other boy had no idea why his friend had been at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush to investigate. 😂😂 

The two boys were staring at a naked woman bathing in the stream. The second boy took off running all of a sudden. The first boy couldn't figure out why his friend had run away, so he followed him. He eventually caught up with him and asked why he had fled.😂😂 

"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone," the boy told his friend, "and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

29. A man went to the doctor because he was having problems with premature ejaculation. "Try startling yourself when you feel like you're about to ejaculate," the doctor advised. 

That same day, the man went to the store, purchased a starter pistol, and dashed home to his wife. That night, the two were having sex and ended up in position 69.😂😂 

The man felt the need to urinate and pulled out the starter pistol. The next day, he returned to the doctor, who inquired about his progress. 😂😂 

The man responded, "Not so good. My wife pooped on my face, my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air, and my wife bit three inches off my penis when I fired the pistol."

30. Two cowboys are talking about their favourite sex position on the range. "I think I like the rodeo position the best," one says. "I don't think I've ever heard of that one," the other cowboy remarks. "What exactly is it?" "It's the part where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind. 😂😂 

Then you reach around and cup her t*ts, whispering in her ear, 'boy, these feel almost as good as your sisters.' Then you attempt to hold on for 30 seconds."😂

31. "Is it in, Babe?" "😂😂 Yea." "Is it painful?" "Uh huh." "Please allow me to introduce it gradually." "It's still painful." "All right, let's try a different shoe size."

32. A young boy witnessed his parents having sex. He then inquired, "What were you and daddy doing?" "We were baking a cake," the mother explained. 

"Were you and daddy baking a cake?" the little boy inquired a few days later. She agreed and asked how he knew. "Because I licked the frosting off the couch," he replied.

33. One late night, 😂😂 a wife returns home and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. She notices four legs instead of just her husband's two from beneath the blanket. She grabs a baseball bat and begins whacking the blanket as hard as she can. 

She then goes into the kitchen to get a drink. As she walks in, she notices her husband reading a magazine. He claims, "Hello, darling. 

Your parents have come to visit us, and I have allowed them to stay in our bedroom. Have you said hello?"

34. A girl became aware that she had developed hair between her legs. She became concerned and inquired of her mother about her hair. Her mother stated calmly, "Your monkey is the area where the hair has grown. 

Take pride in the fact that your monkey has grown hair." 😂😂 The young lady smiled. "My monkey has grown hair," she told her sister at dinner. 

"That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas,"😂😂  her sister said with a smile.

35. It was the eve of Christmas. After a long day of shopping, a woman returned home to her husband. He noticed a mark on the inside of her leg later that night as she was getting ready for bed. "What is that?" he inquired. 

She stated, "Today I went to the tattoo parlor. I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' on the inside of one leg and 'Happy New Year' on the inside of the other." 

"Why did you do that?" he wondered. "Well, now you can't complain about there being nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year's!" 😂😂 she replied.

36. A woman advertises in the local newspaper. "I'm looking for a man who will not beat me up, will not run away from me, and is fantastic in bed." 

Her doorbell rings two days later. "My name is Tim. I don't have arms, so I can't beat you, and I don't have legs, so I can't flee." 😂😂 "What makes you think you're great in bed?" retorts the woman. "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" Tim responds.

37. Having sex is similar to playing bridge. You'd better have a good hand if you don't have a good partner.😂😂 

38. There aren't enough rooms at a ski lodge for three guys, so they have to share a bed. The guy on the right wakes up in the middle of the night and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and he's had the same dream as well. 😂😂 

The man in the middle then wakes up and exclaims, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

39. There was an elderly couple in bed. 😂😂 The man turns to face the woman and says, 

"Pull on my dick once if you want to have sex. Pull on my dick 100 times if you don't want to have sex."

40. Why is sex similar to math? 😂😂 A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and cross your fingers that there is no multiplying.