Well 2022 is done. Already. It’s been a crazy year with us all coming out of the dark cloud of the unspecified virus of unspecified origin into a brand new year with excitement and optimism. Fortunately that lasted only about 20 minutes and we were back at each other’s throats again. So now it’s time for 2022 The Year In Review.
But it wasn’t all bad, with a few bright moments dotted across a year with unexpected successes among all the expected failures. So let’s take a look back at the year that was starting with…
JANUARY
Which started with the 20th Anniversary Special of the Return To Hogwarts which included all the still living cast of the Harry Potter series to get together and shout “SHAME J.K. ROWLING” at the screen for an hour an half. Rowling was noticeably absent from the proceedings thanks to her insane ideas that women have vaginas and men have penises.
Bruce Willis was still hot on releasing utter complete garbage straight to video at a million bucks a pop, prompting much criticism at how much he sold out and took advantage of his name. Later in March it was revealed that he had aphasia as well as some other debilitating conditions and was doing this last string of movies to provide for his health care and his family for his passing. The entire internet hung its head and sheepishly said “we’re sorry Bruce.”
Bob Saget departed leaving the house a little less full.
Peacemaker started on HBOMAX showcasing John Cena’s character from the previous year’s Suicide Squad… or was it THE Suicide Squad? In any case the show turned out to be a bright spot in the DCEU and a revelation on how well John Cena could convincingly play a complex character, especially since enunciation was difficult with all the China dick in his mouth. The show was so successful for Warner that later on they would put James Gunn in charge of the entire DCEU, which he immediately put in the dumpster and lit it on fire. Said Gunn “Well I might as well make the metaphor literal.”
Scream was Released in mid-January marking the fifth entry into the franchise and prompting two questions: Why wasn’t it called 5cream? and Why at all? Neve Campbell and Courtney Cox put on their best botox and took on Ghostface while David Arquette’s Dewey takes on the role of Luke Skywalker from The Last Jedi. Though Arquette’s smile when he died was ad-libbed, they never could get a take where he wasn’t grateful to never have to be in this series again.
FEBRUARY
In February the mystery of why people give Roland Emmerich money deepened with the release of Moonfall, another disaster epic that was epically disastrous for Lionsgate. Apparently the moon is hollow and almost touched the sky but was moved at the last minute by *shakes magic eight ball* a computer that looks like eight year old girl. We can’t wait to see who’s the next sucker and when that release date is.
Speaking of Jackasses, Jackass Forever was back after a nearly 12 year hiatus with Johnny Knoxville, Bam Magera, Steve-O, and several tombstones performing their usual hijinks. They were joined by a younger generation of cast members and several ambulances on permanent stand-by.
Ivan Reitman became ectoplasmic residue.
On the streaming front, Leatherface returned with a 50 year old sequel to the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with the much more efficiently titled Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hey, they aren’t making any more “The’s“. Leatherface meets his greatest enemy yet, cancel culture. Spoiler alert, he wins.
Pam & Tommy was released on Hulu with a lot less nudity per volume than the original Pam & Tommy release, much to everyone’s disappointment. In fact, it was such a disappointment that Russia invaded Ukraine just on pure principle but Hulu remains defiant.
Alan Ladd Jr., the man who greenlit Star Wars, left us hopefully for a nicer galaxy far, far away.
Uncharted turned out to be a very auspicious title when looking at box office charts. Proving the rule once again that Hollywood can’t successfully adapt video games, though the caterers, key grips, cameramen, and wardrobe consultants are all happy that they keep trying.
MARCH
The Batman blew into theaters finally with a Batman everyone’s been waiting for: a skinny emo whiner with eye make-up. Seriously though the movie did quite well and has its legion of fans with people divided on whether or not this was the best showing of Batman as a detective while other believe it was the best example of Hollywood trying to save on electricity by using a single 40w bulb to light the entire movie.
On Streaming Netflix released The Adam Project, a movie about a time traveling Ryan Reynolds playing against type as a wisecracking pilot. He meets his younger self and then his wife Zoe Saldana and his father played by Mark Ruffalo who wasn’t really as engaged in the part as the rest of the cast due to the fact he wouldn’t put the phone down to stop tweeting about Trump.
William Hurt departed to collect more Oscars in Heaven.
Bridgerton Season 2 was released, an historical drama about black people in upper class Victorian England. Seriously, I’m not making that up.
In one of the most bizarre Oscar moments in history, Will Smith slaps Chris Rock over a joke about his wife, which was odd as she didn’t even notice the joke since she was too busy having sex with a 24 year old at the time. It marked the first time in over a decade that anyone knew the Oscars were still going on.
Disney+ released it’s newest MCU project, Moon Knight. It’s about a guy with a split personality who is also endowed with the powers or maybe possessed by an Egyptian God and he has to… well I’m not really sure because like everyone else, I stopped watching around episode 4.
While apathy is the word of the day for MCU properties, utter contempt the best description of Picard: Season 2. When asked how they came up with the latest stories to continue the adventures of the beloved Captain Picard, the writers simply looked to twitter for inspiration. “We find all the people we hate and figure out what’s the best way to piss them off. It practically wrote itself.” Expect many Emmy’s to be had.
Finally the greatest movie ever made… in 2022… was released, Everything Everywhere All At Once. It’s a story about a Crouching Tiger and her failed marriage to a Goonie near a Rattatouie universe where Kung Fu skills are acquired by eating chapstick and shoving random things in your butt.
I swear this is all true.
Well maybe things will be a little less confusing in…
APRIL
…now that Discovery has completed their purchase of Warner Bros which included DC and HBOMAX. The purchase was made during the neighborhood garage sale with Discovery haggling like Raphie’s father for a Christmas tree. I understand they threw in some good twine with DC Comics. The CEO of Discovery David Zaslav took one look at the bag of goodies they set on the kitchen counter and immediately realized half of it was rotten and needed to be chucked, much to the consternation of the woke, who love rotten, fetid garbage.
Sony released Morbius thanks to an internet prank that convinced them it was a good idea. Pranksters ended up taking the joke a little far when they convinced Sony it was a rousing success, despite making only $15.47 in total ticket revenue. Sony re-released the movie on a thousand screens later in the year, using up the entire $15.47 to do it. The internet finally let them off the hook with Sony exclaiming “You GUYS! You got me again!” A hearty laugh was had by all.
Gilbert Gottfried finally had a heart attack and died from that surprise.
Sonic The Hedgehog 2 hit theaters proving once again that Hollywood cannot adapt a video game…. What? Wait people liked it? It was good? Even the first one? Huh. Well you learn something new every day. I’m sure it will mark a turn around in video game adaptions from now on and there’s nothing to worry about with upcoming The Last Of Us.
Disney finally decided that children weren’t just a market segment, they were also playthings for sex perverts and instituted a new ride at Disney World involving actors in full Mickey Mouse outfits and crying. Ron Desantis finally had enough and punished the company severely by requiring them to pay taxes the same as every other business in the state. The horror! Bob Chapped-Ass-ek sent many strongly worded letters about the injustice of it all while snacking on toddlers he kept in the fridge.
Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them: The Secrets of Dumbledore was released, winning the Guinness book of world records for “Longest and Most Pointless Title” since there are no fantastic beasts and the secrets of Dumbledore was just Jude Law awkwardly trying to erase his browser history.
Nick Cage returned with his most difficult role yet: playing himself in the movie The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. In it Cage takes a contract to visit a fan for a large sum of money and ends up taking down a drug cartel. Contrary to internet rumors and the ramblings of Cage himself, this story, in fact, did not really happen.
The Northman exploded on the screen with naked Viking wrestling and yet somehow was not gay in the slightest. Many San Franciscans were satisfied with the movie nonetheless.
Liam Neeson finished out the month with Taken 76. Actually it was called Memory but let’s face it, all Neeson movies are Taken now.
Speaking of tired retreads…
MAY
…brought us our 743rd MCU movie, Dr. Strange And The Couple, Maybe Three, Universes of the Mildly Odd. Heralding Sam Raimi’s return to Marvel, everyone had high hopes to see our favorite sorcerer be downgraded in his job, Wanda be turned evil for wanting kids, and a diverse stargirl be condescending. Thank god they delivered!
Sony got tricked by the internet again into investing all their money into crypto exchange FTX. “We can’t lose!” said one spokesman. The internet had trouble keeping a straight face. Those jokesters!
George Perez joined Zeus to continue to work on drawing Wonder Woman.
The Kids In The Hall returned on Amazon and taking a cue from the new definition of woman as “possibly having a penis,” “kids” can now be defined as “possibly having 6+ decades under your belt.”
Top Gun: Maverick jetted into theaters after 36 years of waiting. What nobody knew was that Tom Cruise is no longer makes movies in his new career as a daredevil lunatic and studios just secretly tape him and edit a movie around it. Tom was not only surprised he had the top grossing movie of the year but that he was even in one.
The adventure ended for Fred Ward.
In their never-ending quest to traumatize their audience, Netflix released Season 3 of Love, Death & Robots to bring us a whole new set of stories that the best mentally damaged computer artists can create. Cuties 2 is next on the slate featuring sexually explicit fetuses.
Ray Liotta finally stepped into the Field of Dreams.
Disney+ finally had a win with their new movie Chip n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers proving that Generation X is not the only generation that can be easily duped by nostalgia porn.
JUNE
Speaking of 90s nostalgia porn, Beavis and Butthead Do The Universe was released on Paramount+. As usual Beavis and Butthead do stuff randomly that results in the apocalypse or narrowly missing the apocalypse or something. At one point there’s some sort of time travel and multiple versions of the duo. If this all sounds confusing, take heart that it’s still more coherent than the both seasons of Star Trek: Picard.
RRR became a latest Indian import to blow away American audiences as Bollywood announces they can make a movie every bit as a ridiculous overblown CGI-fest as any Hollywood production, plus they add in dance numbers. Really if you’re talking bang for your buck, you get a lot more schlock at a much cheaper price. Look for Hollywood to start following Dell call center model soon for producing movies.
James Caan finally sings his Brian’s Song.
Sony got a little impatient with the internet this week when the internet lit a bag of dog poo on fire on Sony’s porch. “I can hear you giggling in the bushes!” Sony yelled but the internet was able to get away on their bikes.
The Orville released its third and final season going out with a bang and general approval from Star Trek fans around the world who then immediately went into a deep depression in the realization that parody Star Trek isn’t nearly the parody that actual Star Trek had become.
Jurassic World: Dominion arrived in theaters with their most terrifying creature yet: Apple CEO Tim Cook. Oh and some locusts. I think there were some actual dinosaurs in the movie in the form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, a bunch of velociraptors, and Laura Dern.
The Boys came back to once again delight us with super heroics such as masturbating over the city, engaging in sex orgies where people explode, and covering innocents in other innocents’ blood and internal organs. Rated G for everyone. Disney+ is really mad that Amazon got to this property first.
Lightyear arrived in theaters to tell us the story of diverse lesbian couples and their struggles on a harsh alien world being invaded by evil white male astronauts who don’t know how sandwiches work. A phenomenal success at the box office as parents all over America still need someplace to drop off the brats for a few hours of peace and day care is a lot more expensive.
HBOMAX released their documentary on the immensely popular 80s Puerto Rico band Menudo prompting Gen-Xers all over America to exclaim “Wait, was that a thing? I don’t remember them. Oooohh yeah they were on some TV show.. I think?” Warm nostalgia wins again.
The MCU had another factory accident resulting in the release of thousands of gallons of toxic sludge into the streaming ecosphere in the form of Ms. Marvel. Fortunately the damage was limited as this particular chemical isn’t all the potent since no one cared about this character anyway. A few broadband modems needed some cleaning but most were unaffected.
Finally Elvis came out marking the one millionth Elvis movie made and earning Baz Lurhman a one hour shopping spree at the Atlanta Winn Dixie.
As June came to a close things started to heat up in…
JULY
…as Stranger Things Season 4 part 2 was released challenging the idea that episode length should be less than an hour. Split into two parts with the last two episodes airing in July, each had a duration of approximately 3 and half weeks. Productivity hit an all time low as workers burned all their vacation time to binge these last 2 episodes. A few enterprising women just chalked it up to maternity leave. That being said, we all agree it was great to see the cast members graduate high school, reach drinking age ,and start cashing in their 401ks over the last 2 episodes. You felt like you grew up with them.
David Warner finally got to meet the supreme being.
Minions: The Rise Of Gru brought those adorable, babbling, yellow cyanide capsules back on the screen again to keep the suicide hotline workers busy. Grossing nearly a billion dollars worldwide, Minions proves once again that mankind was a mistake. Expect 75 more sequels in the next two years.
The MCU releases its 1,473rd movie with Thor: Love and Thunder which had congress begin proceedings on rethinking Taika Waititi’s immigration status. The regal god of thunder once again saves the universe, this time from black and white color grading with the help of early 2010’s memes. Fortunately he is humble and helps his fellow female heroes take the glory by pretending to be dumb as a post. We should all learn from his example.
Paul Sorvino was determined to be an actual good fellow and was admitted through the pearly gates.
Chris Pratt enraged woke-leftist with his movie The Terminal List by acting in it. Pratt’s continued willingness to act likable in movies without taking a stand on lesbian cactus dancing is just like Hitler and woke-Twitter will not stand for it anymore. Pratt commented later “What’s a ‘twitter?'”
Nope came on to the silver screen telling the story about alien horse-eating jelly fish who gets defeated by tacky used-car lot decorations. The nation begins to wonder if Jordan Peele isn’t quite the genius we all assumed he was.
Nichelle Nichols finally closed hailing frequencies.
AUGUST
The big news of the month was David Zaslav, apparently reincarnated from Hitler, after taking the reigns of Warner and DC following the completion of the purchase by Discovery from the AT&T rummage sale, immediately threw Batgirl into the dumpster that James Gunn would later appropriate and set on fire. Asked why he would destroy such a fine work of woke-art, he replied with fear in his eyes, “There are some things man was not meant to see.” Batgirl cost 90 million dollars with 89.9 million going to various woke outrage groups and 100k to what you see on the screen. Taxes don’t write themselves off.
Olivia Newton John finally entered Xanadu.
Bullet Train took on the challenge on seeing how ridiculous a movie could be before the audience members rolled their eyes. A psychological experiment with doctors betting on the exact minute this happened, Vegas got in on the action and there was quite the little betting pool that was established. Most agreed when Brad Pitt began eating french fries during the train’s derailment was the only thing that saved the movie.
Now beloved by all, She-Hulk Attorney at Law took the internet by storm with its well thought out characterization of a lawyer becoming a Hulk and learning what responsibility it is to have such strength thanks to the power of twerking. The internet immediately began pitching ideas based on this framework to Sony, who never seems to learn.
Hulu did the unthinkable by releasing another Predator sequel that somehow didn’t suck. The Predator comes down to 18th century America and kills hardened Indian warriors and well armed French fur trappers with futuristic spears, lasers, and syphilis blankets only to be stopped by a ninety pound native American girl with permanent Instagram face. Seriously it really was pretty good though re-reading that description, I’m beginning to rethink that.
Stallone decided to jump on the super-hero bandwagon while the iron is luke warm and cooling fast and released the movie Samaritan where he plays a reclusive ex-super hero with a secret when a young boy re-awakens his passion and caring for his fellow man. This dynamic hasn’t been seen since The Mandalorian, Terminator 2, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Jeffrey Epstein. Ok that last one was a cheap shot, in actuality this movie was fairly well received for being somewhat competent which is a huge step forward these days.
Summer started to cool down as we move on into…
SEPTEMBER
…when the most accurate and well told movie on an historical was released according to the New York Times, The Woman King. This told the heartwarming story of an African woman king who fought to free her people from the white man’s thumb so she could continue their way of life of selling each other to the white man. But at least the commission rate would be better!
Queen Elizabeth finally abdicated the throne to take her new place as royalty in the afterlife.
Amazon released the much anticipated Rings Of Power. Spending over one billion dollars on sets, costumes, special effects and caterers, the sheepishly realized that they completely forgot to spend money on writing a script. They filmed 27 episodes before someone actually realized what had happened. Unfortunately the various Amazon warehouses the episodes were filmed in were already re-purposed with cell phone case inventories for Christmas so they had to just go with what they shot.
Kevin Smith took time out of his busy schedule of crying on twitter for corporately produced content to finish out his view askew movies with Clerks III. Somehow this ended up being a poignant and emotional wrap up of these characters that started nearly 30 years ago. I guess all that twitter weeping was good for something.
Louise Fletcher took on a more kindly nurse role in Heaven.
Cobra Kai released its 5th season continuing the story of Daniel LaRusso trying to stop Terry Silver from taking over the world using strip mall karate schools. Cobra Kai has gone from fun revisit of this story to full on Fast and Furious levels of ridiculous but so far no one has noticed. We do look forward to Season 6 when Johnny and Daniel have to fight Kreese in space.
Bros sashed into theaters where audiences mobbed venues to see anything else. Bros writer Billy Eichner, sensing that perhaps people were misunderstanding and attempting to alleviate their concerns berated and insulted most of America on Twitter and in interviews thereby ensuring that people would have nothing but goodwill towards the movie. It was a bold move Cotton, we saw how it worked out for you.
Speaking of gay psychos, Netflix released Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story; He Eats With Gusto: Would You Like To Watch TV: Subtitles Continued On Back Of Blu-Ray Case which immediately became popular because we need to be reminded of Dahmer every 7 years or so. I believe it’s due to the Wisconsin curse where if a Dahmer biopic isn’t made every 7 years, he will come back and ruin the sorghum crops.
Of course movies about killers are more at home in…
OCTOBER
…where we got Halloween Ends, the final movie in the 3rd series of Halloween movies that branched off from the first but not to be confused with the sequels that included the first 2 and then moved to H20 but that series dispensed with Halloween 4-6 and none of that included Halloween 3 not to mention the full reboot that happened in the 2000s but this series is the final true final final canon true perfect trilogy even though it’s technically 4 movies that you will also forget in about two weeks like the all the rest of them.
Angela Lansbury wrote her last murder.
Black Adam was finally released as the Rock told us how successful this movie was and it would save the DCEU and I swear guys this is the bestest movie evar and I got Henry Cavil back as Superman and this is incredible and he kept telling us and kept telling us until David Zaslav told James Gunn to toss him in the dumpster along with the DCEU.
Speaking of Henry Cavil, he announced his return as Superman for Man Of Steel 3 only to have James Gunn tell him no. Now Henry is in a pickle as he already put in his two weeks notice from The Witcher and he can’t get his job back. We’ve all been there, Henry.
Robbie Coltrane will finally cast spells in Heaven.
Disney+ finally having cleaned up their last chemical spill had another content pipe burst and put out Tales of the Jedi. Fortunately no one noticed.
The Internet put all of Sony’s staplers in Jello. Sony responded by re-releasing Morbius again.
Elon Musk completed his purchase of Twitter and much to various Hollywood star’s horror began issuing blue checkmarks to anything he could find including a few stray Daschunds. The big revelation was that despite your average lefty Hollywood elite having millions of followers, we find that each tweet they make has only an average of 7 views, half of which are fawning CNN anchors.
The weather turned colder and the holidays set upon us starting in…
NOVEMBER
… as Disney shocked everyone by firing Bob Chapek and replacing him with Bob Iger, ensuring Disney will continue making great entertainment about diverse lesbian astronauts. Chapek was led to the door but given a generous severance package of several million dollars and a constant supply of pre-teens.
Gallagher is now smashing watermelons in the afterlife.
The MCU released it’s 17,568th film, Black Panther: The Woman King which managed to actually not include Black Panther. Namor was finally introduced into the MCU and did not at all look completely hilarious floating around with tiny wings flapping on his ankles. Proving again that racism is bad, the black people defeated the Hispanic villain by -I’m not making this up- drying out his wet back. It finished up with Shuri going full anti-vax only to be tackled mid-speech by Bob Iger.
Taylor Sheridan continued his winning streak of taking whatever genre you might be able to think of and adding the word “Mafia” to it. Yellowstone is the cowboy mafia and now he’s really subverted expectation by bringing us Tulsa King, a story about mafia cowboys. What’s amazing is that he managed to give us another Stallone character that might be remembered as well as Rocky and Rambo though he missed the alliteration triple word score by naming him “Dwight.”
HBOMAX released the long awaited by no one follow up to the perennial classic A Christmas Story with A Christmas Story Christmas. The dread filling America of another nostalgia laden sequel no one wanted was quickly dispelled thanks to the story being actually good. Following Raphie and his quest for a perfect Christmas for his children after the old man passed away and also for an AR-15 to blow away Scut Farkus. Justice was done.
Speaking of long awaited sequels no one asked for that actually turned out to exist… Disenchanted hit our streaming menus to bring back Amy Adams that made her a breakout star in 2007. Jazelle has to fight the worst fairy tale monsters ever written about: Home Owners Associations.
Wednesday surprised everyone, especially Netflix, by being pretty darn good. With The Adams Family still showing it has stories to tell, Wednesday tells a fun story that entertained from beginning to end. With Luis Guzman as Gomez and Catherine Zeta Jones taking a break from changing her husbands diapers as Morticia, it was nice to see an adaptation actually work.
Unfortunately the same can’t be said for Willow, the mostly remembered movie from 1987 that was to the Lord Of The Rings what Dollar General is to Amazon. Disney+ continues to hate their own properties and carry out their scorched earth vendetta against George Lucas to ruin every single thing he’s ever had a hand in creating. Once Indiana Jones gets released next year, I believe their journey will be complete.
The weather got colder while entertainment heated up in…
DECEMBER
…when Harrison Ford returned in another Taylor Sheridan show spun off from Yellowstone called 1923. At this point, Sheridan is turning the Yellowstone universe into a bigger shared universe than the MCU. If Thanos shows up on a horse, you’ll know Sheridan’s has taken over the entertainment universe.
Kirstie Alley departed to tend bar for the rest of the deceased.
Jack Ryan returns for another go around that seems to return to form after the disappointing season 2. Just like in real life, the bad guys are white and russian and all is right with the world. Which is too bad because that’s a good cocktail.
Glass Onion: A Rian Johnson Middle Finger gets released simultaneously on Netflix and in theaters so audiences had many different choices on where not to watch it. Johnson continues to market effectively by insulting customers on twitter and threatening to make another Star Wars trilogy. Sniper teams are on standby if they see any lightsaber props in his hands.
Violent Night tells the story of Santa defending a home against terrorists and ignites the age old argument if this Christmas movie is actually a Die Hard movie? Internet fights ensued with many saying it’s not a Die Hard movie because while others say it is. This argument will keep happening every year, I can already see it.
James Cameron showing he still has his finger on the pulse of the nation released Avatar 2: Electric Boogaloo. Showcasing and highlighting timely issues like the evils of whaling, Avatar 2 show us that with enough time and enough money, anyone can make the exact same movie they did 13 years ago.
Well that’s 2022! What a year it was.
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