Lois is gifted with breaking the story of the millennium: “SUPERMAN DEAD”.
Will SUPERMAN DEAD? I sure hope so, goddamnit. That jerk has it coming. Such a “nice guy”. Pfft.
All-Star Superman, Issue #11 [July, 2008]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Red Sun Day”
OH NO! Clark Kent just found out that SUPERMAN DEAD! Why is he always the last to know?!
We begin with Lex Luthor tied up to the electric chair, lmao. “Typical. Superman didn’t even bother to show,” he says, as if Superman were the governor about to let him off the hook. An officer readies the lever.
“Ask yourself how it feels to murder the genius who might have cured your sister’s cancer with a cellphone and a safety pin,” he says, rather undignified if I do say so myself. Just take your lumps like a man. The officer pulls down the lever and Luthor sizzles like bacon until he slumps forward! Dead!
LUTHOR DEAD!
“…kkk…ha! Kkh! Oh… you morons… you knuckle-dragging neanderthals.” Luthor lifts his stupid bald noggin’ and smiles toothfully. He had just drunk a superpower serum right before the electrification! Plot hole! His eyes turn red. Time to fuck some bitches up, methinks. Illegally! “Give my regards to your sister,” he says, shooting eye-fire into the officer’s face, skeletonizing him and not in a cheerful Halloween way. The other officer tries to shoot, but Luthor can stop the bullets with the palm of his hot little hand. “GGT” he says for some reason!
One bullet bounces right off his shiny white teeth. “What did I tell you, boys? EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NOW!” And he storms out of the fiery room.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Superman is shooting a hose of piss into a large… cage… thing? Something about not having his little sun-eater pet anymore. I don’t care. I hate Superman.
Superman’s super companion, Robot 7, notices that Superman is not standing too easily. Must be all that sun shit coursing through his veins these days. “Cellular breakdown’s happening faster and faster now. The end’s near. And I have to stay alive long enough to complete my final tasks for humanity.”
Jerking off doesn’t count, sailor.
He needs Robot 7’s help though.
No way, Superman. I’m going to eat them one at a time.
Superman also has Zibarro’s poetry that he’d like laminated, please. For posterity and whatnot.
Our caped crusader reflects on his life. Many adventures. Visited many planets. Had great friends. Even Batman, that gruff little scamp. And Lois, too, I guess.
What’s going on in one of Lex Luthor’s luxurious and lavish lairs? A young woman dressed like a Hot Topic goth lounges in a chair; presumably his niece? She calls him “Uncle Lexie” which I hope isn’t extremely sexual. She mentions her own world domination plans, which I’m sure Uncle Lexie would ruin before she even had a chance to say “boo”.
Nasthalthia. I think I remember her. Wasn’t she in some earlier issue? “How’s your mom?” Luthor asks. She’s mad at him, that’s how she is! “When can I get all superpowered up?” asks Nasthalthalithallithia. Luthor all but says “No. That’s when.”
Luthor finishes up and presents a very heavy-looking un-ergonomically designed suit. Like Iron Man if he had 900-pound arms. “Genius, simple as that,” Luthor says unironically. He intends to fight a half-dead Superman in this suit, which is a story ripe for Issue #12! I’m glad Luthor is paying attention to the pacing of this series!
And to make it even easier to kick Superman’s ass, Lex Luthor calls in his Tyrant Sun buddy (?) to turn the skies red. You know, the color of less superpowers?
no
Superman, in his own Fortress of Eating Pizza and Watching Wrestling, can feel the effects of Red Sun Day already and starts sweating. Bolstering himself up, he readies himself to leave the base and face the world… then a slew of his Robots appear “YOU CANNOT STAND ALONE,” one says in adorable robotic block letters. “I WILL REMAIN TO GUARD THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE,” says another. “THE REST OF US WILL FIGHT BY YOUR SIDE,” says yet another. Superman chokes up like these Robots are at all sentient and not programmed to die for our hero.
Superman leads his convoy of Robots to fight the Tyrant Sun. He can still fly, which stymies that giant weird eyeball. “Impossble!” it cries, somehow, without a mouth. “Why not powerless in my red rays?”
It’s ‘cause your shit’s weak, “Tyrant Sun”. Superman’s new white solarsuit is just what the doctor ordered! Protection is 9/10ths of the Protection Law, where the other 1/10th is also protection! Suck it.
Tyrant Sun is Irate Sun now, and declares that he will assuredly “kill their sun”. And him. And his Robots, for that matter. Everyone will die.
So Superman fights the Tyrant Sun, who aims to replace the real sun with itself. Superman grapples it like a koala on a eucalyptus tree. “YOUR PEOPLE WILL BOW!” it says. “+PRAY TO ME!” it continues, plus sign and all. “OR DIE IN DARKNESS!” it concludes. Superman warns his Robots that the Tyrant Sun will wipe their files, but their loyalty knows no bounds! Continue to fight for Superman’s honor! Huzzah!
What the shit is going on now? Jesus Christ.
Things get really dumb when some space squid shows up. Apparently it’s, and I quote, “the natural enemy of the Tyrant Sun” and that it will “eat the sun” and it’s a “sun-eater”. So that’s convenient as fucking goddamn shit. Horrible comic book. The Tyrant Sun, while getting eaten, says “1010101011”, which is binary for “All-Star Superman is a crock of poop and only dumb people like it, and you can take that to the bank.”
Superman then punches the Tyrant Sun in the eye and it explodes while going “UUQQUUIIII!”, which is literally nothing. Threat eliminated and we can all crack open a couple of cold, refreshing cans of Hormel chili. WITH the beans.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane, sharing a cab, notice that the sky ain’t red no more. These two need to get to Stryker’s Island right away to interview Lex Luthor while he goes on a murderous, undiscriminating rampage. The cabbie can’t move any faster; there’s a parade up ahead of some sort. And then another thing happens that I don’t understand one bit. Jimmy says something about a power-hungry evil star reformed as part of an intersolar computer network and then a woman shows up in a positron cannon. It’s stupid. Everything is stupid. Moving on.
The Tyrant Star had crashed into the sides of a couple of buildings. Superman yells for everyone to take cover while he talks sense into it. “By the 24th century, I’m told, you’ll have been rehabilitated to work with humanity instead of against them. Rehabilitation begins here, Solaris.”
Uh huh. Yeah. “I’m told”. Another nice plot device, Grant Morrison, you bald Scottish dingus.
Superman punches the Tyrant Star’s eye again and a mushroom cloud erupts from ground zero, Nagasaki-style. Everyone dies… everyone except no one. The star is dead, though. Superman takes off solarsuit and, presumably, starts running around naked.
So yeah, there’s this hostile chick out of nowhere for some reason that seems inconsequential to the story. Because it is. Is the issue over yet?
Suddenly, in the Daily Planet office, Clark Kent starts a’runnin’ all like “whuh huh did I miss sumthin’?” Then he collapses, probably because just like Superman his cells are going haywire from sun exposure! Oh dear! The only cure for sun exposure is moon exposure, I always say!
Anyway, Clark seems dead. And now Lex Luthor shows up all floating in the air menacingly. He blows a giant hole in the side of the office building. “Clark is the least of your worries,” he tells them while all floating in the air menacingly.
Final Thoughts
One more issue left, thank Christ. I’m tired of Superman. I wanna read Batman instead, that guy fucks and also he’s rich as shit. Superman has a journalist’s salary. What a cuck.
