Doesn’t that sound exciting?! No?! Tough titties!

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [November, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Daredevil Back in NYC!”

I’m beginning to suspect that this Daredevil guy isn’t naturally compelling. Blind superheroes? Get some eyeballs.

He’s on the front page of Daily Bugle again, this time standing in the middle of the road like a raw butthole while cars swerve around him. I’m laughing all over again!

“Mobster Darius Giacomo realized I was chasing him. He freaked. Probably because we were on foot… and Giacomo moves like a sumo wrestler with an ingrown toenail. He knew what I was after, so – in a panic – he flung it in here.”

See? Not compelling in the slightest. Daredevil is trying to – very quietly – hang from a tree and grab a little pink pill capsule-shaped object off of the grass. He snaps the branch, turning “very quietly” into “not very quietly at all” and alerting the lions of his presence.

He’s in the lion cage of the Brooklyn Zoo at 2am, which is awfully wise of him. Daredevil starts smacking these cats around with his sticks, but they’re too tough and lion-esque to be phased by his puny weapons! You see, Mark Waid decides to let Daredevil narrate the action with tidbits like “lions don’t like it when you enter the lion cage” and “being captive is hard on the lions” and “I need to escape”, which is something I like to call “really poor storytelling”. Again, I’m forced to Google a picture of Mark Waid.

…

lol

Daredevil does escape by the skin of his cavity-riddled teeth, but Darius Giacomo is standing waiting to punch holes into Daredevil bullets-style. Daredevil dances around nimbly.

Giacomo runs out of bullets and he gets eaten alive by the Devil. Rawr! Matt Murdock is a double threat: blind vigilante and blind lawyer! No one will see it coming!

Later, in the law offices of Cunty and Stunty, Murdock is grilling some Jewfro kid about his embezzlement charge, which ain’t looking good. Continuing his plan to consult the clients on representing themselves because he can’t set foot inside a courtroom without the defense lawyers screaming “DAREDEVIL” and throwing tomatoes at his head, Murdock advises this hooligan to speak for himself. Also, and this is a teensy part of it, Mr. Jewfro is involved with the mob and Daredevil has already really pissed off the mob, so he doesn’t want to get involved further in Mob Business. This is the smart thing to do.

Like a revolving door of sad sacks, Murdock keeps getting new clients and he tells each one the same thing: “WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO REPRESENT YOURSELF AND WIN FOR A HEFTY FEE OF 98% OF YOUR COURT SETTLEMENT.” Don’t mumble. Dress sharply. No murdering while on trial. No murdering in the courtroom while on trial. Chin up. Don’t slouch. Eat your broccoli.

The object that Daredevil retrieved from the lion cage was a thumb drive containing INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE of whatever. The judge rules in favor of the plaintiff against Giacomo and his blowjob boys. Foggy and Murdock are waiting nervously in their office for the news. The news is good. They celebrate like a couple of blowjob boys.

Murdock picks up a newspaper like he any idea what the fuck it says. He touches it like braille is going to suddenly pop out of it. He smiles, knowingly.

Foggy and Murdock celebrate further by working out in their private gym. Foggy grunts as he struggles to bench press 14 pounds, but a lot of that lack of effort is because he’s preoccupied by this whole new angle they’re spending their efforts on. “It might be bringing in the wrong people,” he purports. “Frivolous suits. Folks wanting a million dollars because they got a bad haircut. Or because they’re convinced that aliens stole their idea for perpetual motion. Screening’s becoming a full-time job.”

OK, Debbie Downer. Should they just quit now while they’re ahead, then? Not yet! Even through all this bitching and moaning, Foggy’s interested in some kid who just came in today about a wrongful termination. No employee contract. And why the fuck would Murdock want to touch that one with a ten-foot dildo?

Because the kid is blind! Ha ha! You guys can really pal it up over eternal darkness and wearing mismatched outfits.

Murdock leaves for the day, and the second he steps out the door he hears a million cries for help. “My stepdad is beating me up!” “The lions keep eating me!” “Pooping hurts!”

“When I first started off as Daredevil, I couldn’t distinguish robbery victims from overcaffeinated workers. Even now, above the constant thrum of traffic and the construction and the subways, I can’t make out words as much as I can tone. Eventually, though, I decided that genuine fear has its own unique pitch.”

That’s a little bit of Daredevil insight for you. Get inside the man’s head, you know? See what makes him tick other than a little BDSM fantasizing and a craving for Cheetos.

A burning apartment building here, a scared mother there. We get it. Daredevil good. Daredevil helpful. Don’t shove it down my throat like so much SHIT and CUM. “Sometimes I wish there were five of me. Or ten. Or twenty. But I do what I can.”

Poor, altruistic Daredevil. It’s hard being the only game in town. After doing a plentiful amount of beat-’em-ups, he makes his way over to the blind kid’s house. Garbed in Matt Murdock clothes, he wraps on the door.

Austin Cao’s the name, and being blind is the game. His oversized t-shirt is full of stains, and his sad apartment sucks. “Everything about this apartment reeks of depression, old food, and stale air…” Murdock thinks as Cao tells him to make himself at home. Then he tells his incredibly boring story: he used to be a translator for Midas Investments, a big ol’ corporation. “I speak seventeen languages fluently and another ten passably. The Midas dealmakers loved me, and vice-versa.”

27 languages, huh? I can do that shit in my sleep. Try 350 languages, fuckface. No wonder you lost your job to me!

“My last day, I was showing off in front of the team. Two strangers walked past me having a private conversation in an unusual European dialect. I pegged them for Latverians within five sentences. I thought applause was going to break out. Instead, an hour later, I got sacked. Out of the blue.”

Yeah, sacked all right. Sacked right in the mouth. Teabaggin’. Reasons were unclear. Slacking? Fraternizing? Just three days after a glowing review! Cockamamie bonkers, sir! Why would they do this to me? Meeeee!!

Murdock uses his internal lie detector and tells the kid he believes his story, but he probably doesn’t. This kid took a poop on the conference room table, most likely. “I need more to go on, Austin. You really have no clue? You’re telling me everything? Did you somehow offend those Latverians?”

Nope! Stop asking questions! They didn’t even know he was there! Stop asking questions!

“Maybe my boss thinks I overheard something I wasn’t supposed to?” Cao guesses. Maybe there was some gay bathhouse orgy stuff going on? Listen, kid, did your boss ever make fun of your blindness or something else equally hilarious? No? He treated you like a son, huh? How about one of those sons that gets beaten with a belt regularly? No?

Well, chin up kid! Someone who can do nothing but speak a bunch of languages will bounce back soon! Everything will be hunky-dory!

Except there are suddenly about 50 sniper lasers pinned on both of them through Cao’s window.

Final Thoughts

My, my, my, this sure is “interesting”. I’m “having a ball”.

Murdock is probably standing there thinking “I don’t know 27 languages! I’m such a loser!” And Austin Cao is probably standing there thinking “Bạn là một kẻ thua cuộc, đồ ngốc.”

Google that shit.