GUEST REVIEW!

Baba and Ma want me to be a brain surgeon when I grow up, but all I want to do is play Minecraft and read Star Wars books! FUCK Baba and Ma! They want me to go to Johns Hopkins, but I’d rather be a video game tester! Me and my friend Dylan started a YouTube channel where we dunk on all these shitty Android games and there’s this part where Dylan shows his butt and it’s all hairy and gross! Everyone at school thinks we’re stupid but THEY’RE the stupid ones! I’ve written pages and pages about how stupid everyone at school is, and Baba and Ma call me unmotivated?! One day I’ll show them ALL how motivated I can be!

What the fuck was I talking about?! Oh yeah, this book. Dylan let me borrow his copy but he had highlighted all the “good parts” and it took me forever to read because Baba thinks my Adderall prescription was a waste of money even though Ma disagrees! I didn’t like it at all, it made me think about my Biology homework too much and I would rather spend that energy thinking about my M:TG deck builds! Anyway, Kenobi was a book about badass Obi-Wan Kenobi and how he became completely neutered and boring! The story takes place on Tatooine right after Luke Skywalker was born and they sent him to his aunt and uncle’s and Obi-Wan became Ben and he tasked himself with keeping a “watch” on the kid. But he wasn’t watching shit! What he instead did was get involved with these hicks in this podunk shithole where they do the moisture farming and this one lady runs a general store and this lady wants to fuck Obi-Wan but he of course doesn’t for some reason! It sucks! This whole book sucks royally and I threw it right at Dylan’s head the next time I saw him in PE.

Like I said, this thing took me fucking forever to read! Nothing exciting happens for a long time. There are a couple of cool lightsaber battles, but mostly Obi-Wan just talks to the lady who wants to fuck him and he also talks to this guy named Orrin who is a sleazebag piece of shit! There’s also this badass Tusken leader chick named A’Yark who wants to murder their whole podunk town, but Obi-Wan is able to make friends with her and talk her out of it! I personally would’ve been ok with A’Yark murdering these bitches, but it’s also cool that Obi-Wan is such a badass that he can get a crazy Tusken leader lady to back off completely. Obi-Wan is the shit, but this boring book makes him seem like kind of a pussy! Dylan liked Kenobi but all they did was talk about stuff! Not enough cool lightsaber battles!

All and all, I think this book sucked! I’d rather read Life of Pi or whatever other garbage that Baba and Ma want me to read. I wish there were more cool lightsaber battles! Dylan has shit taste in books and I’m going to shove his head in the toilet.

TOM’S REVIEW!

I’ve seen Kenobi described as a Western set in the Star Wars universe. Normally I’d find such a description off-putting and do a hard pass, but since Kenobi is often hailed as one of the best Star Wars books (and perhaps the single best adult Star Wars book, trailing behind young adult Lost Stars), I just had to suck it up and give it a shot.

I get a Western vibe mostly from the setting and not much else. This book takes place entirely on Tatooine and mostly within a small settlement called the Pika Oasis, which is all but described as a desolate wasteland. The whole book is as orange as the cover. The plot is minimalist, the action is sparse, and the events aren’t Earth-shattering. But it’s incredibly engaging to see Ben Kenobi try to lay low on this unfamiliar planet and nevertheless get roped into all sorts of local drama anyway. The story is driven mostly by the characters: Annileen Calwell, a widowed shopkeeper with two teenage kids. Orrin Gault, a moisture farmer / con man who got involved in dealings with Jabba the Hutt. A’Yark, a female Tusken Raider tribe leader with one eye and a penchant for fucking with the humans’ shit. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a self-exiled former Jedi who can’t help being involved and helping the townsfolk even when he tries to lay low. You may already know that guy!

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t put the book down. That distinction is thus far only reserved for Lost Stars. But I found this way more enjoyable than I expected considering the wasteland-like setting and Obi-Wan being near the middle of my preferred characters (who am I kidding? I’m a Han/Leia/Qui-Gon/C-3PO guy and literally everybody else can suck my ding dong). The plot and storytelling was very entertaining, bouncing between local Pika Oasis politics, action against the Tusken Raiders, and tense character interactions. I thought the dialogue was absolutely fucking fantastic, with Annileen’s cynical sarcasm and Orrin’s occasional character-breaking grumpiness cracking me up quite a few times. I honestly thought Obi-Wan was the least interesting part of the story EXCEPT for those occasional meditations and messages to dead Qui-Gon that finalized some of the chapters. If nothing else, it provided more depth to Obi-Wan’s character to supplement the movies. I don’t care if it’s not canon anymore, it’s still good.

Orrin is the Big Bad, a twist you could see coming a mile away especially after A’Yark starts having reasonable conversations with Obi-Wan and Annileen (I like how she refers to Orrin as “The Smiling Man”). He gets his at the end, though! Captured by Tusken Raiders and forced into labor, providing them sweet, sweet, delicious water in return for keeping his life. What a deal!

The ending was bittersweet. Annileen pretty much fell in love with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan shared a similar fondness, but his place is Tatooine. He had arranged for Annileen and her family a one-way trip to Alderaan so that Annileen could work on the education she had always dreamed of. Sounds like a happy ending, but hopefully her family weren’t still on Alderaan nineteen years later. Because that would be fucked up.

WORTH A READ?

Yes. There are no TIE fighters or X-wings and there are no scenes in space whatsoever, so if you’re into that side of Star Wars then you can just stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister. If you want a good story about a shithole where the characters are both nice to each other and mean to each other, then look no further!

Come for the story, stay for the incredible dialogue. Kudos to John Jackson Miller. This guy knows how to write believable characters.