“When a space shuttle mission is aborted, Mulder suspects it may the the work of an evil extraterrestrial spirit that inhabits the body of a former Gemini astronaut.“

Mulder and Scully took pieces of paper and wrote down their first 1,000 theories as to why a space shuttle Mission was aborted. Mulder’s suspicion above was #1, just above “evil extraterrestrial spirit infiltrated the gas tank” and “evil extraterrestrial spirit sheared a critical landing pod bolt”. Scully’s #1,000 was “all of mission command had to use the bathroom”. Mulder’s #1,000 was “all of mission command had to use the bathroom ’cause of aliens”.

Let’s crack into this tall, cold bad boy! IT’s 1977, and a NASA space launch is counting down in Pasadena, California. They’re gonna check for water on Mars, and also there’s a big alien face in the rocks. Lieutenant Colonel “Terrible Name” Aurelius Belt speaks to reporters about it being just a trick of the sun’s shadows, but later in he’s tossing and turning in his bed, plagued by visions of this decidedly not-scary face on Mars. He has flashbacks of his own astronauting days, which weren’t some his best memories, I’ll tell you that much. The face suddenly shows up in his ceiling above! It comes out of the ceiling and spooks him a bit! Boo! He sweats like seven whores in six churches.

15 years later, Belt commands another space launch that gets aborted three seconds before lift-off. Against all logic and reasonable thought processes, the FBI need to get involved with this. A woman named Michelle, who works at NASA Mission Control, meets outside the Pentagon steps to speak with Mulder/Scully. She suspects a SABOTEUR! When Mulder asks if she has evidence, Michelle goes “I dunno”.

Michelle presents X-Ray photos of a space shuttle component that has been scorched by extreme temperatures. Impossible to do by human hands, even really, really hot human hands. How can something be sabotaged with extreme heat like this if a person cannot be involved? These are the questions, aren’t they? And all answers point to, everyone say it with me now: ALIENS! Oh boy!

When Scully asks why anyone would want to sabotage a space shuttle, Mulder gives three very reasonable answers that have nothing to do with aliens whatsoever: 1) terrorists, 2) disgruntled workers, 3) people who think the old dinosaur space shuttle is unsafe and should’ve been scrapped a decade ago, and some of these people could be within the government body itself.

Also, 4) aliens. To which Scully delivers a deadpan “oh, of course.”

First stop! Scully and Mulder visit Colonel “Wraps His Neck with a” Belt, a man who Mulder revered when he was a kid. Scully shows Belt the X-Ray of the failed component, and Belt gets weird and cross about any HINT of an accusation. These fine people wake up every morning, eat their Golden Grahams, and come to work at the Great American NASA Mission Control without even a drop of bad blood coursing through their veins! How dare you? There is NOTHING that could possibly go wrong with the mission! Away with you.

“Sir, would you consider postponing the shuttle flight until a full investigation could be conducted?”
*huff* “Look, I don’t know where you got this specious artifact, but I can assure you every precaution has been taken to rectify the problem.”

Belt is awfully adamant that everything will be fine, so Mulder and Scully agree to merely be present during lift-off. The two head to the material analysis lab, where a head scientist claims that the failed component issue wasn’t brought to his attention. He was too busy repairing critical landing pod bolts compromised by extraterrestrial spirits! Mulder gives him a kiss and they leave with extra Colonel Belt suspicion, as well as doubts that the failed component problem may be a hoax.

Mission Command is bustling place! The launch gets set up, Mulder smiles while trying to contain his erection. Countdown begins… we have lift-off. The whole room celebrates a successful launch! Erection is definitely not contained.

Later in the hotel lobby, Michelle runs toward the FBI agents claiming that something isn’t right with the shuttle. All the flame decals fell off of the sides! Also, some rocket boosters are malfunctioning! Sabotage! So they pile into their car and follow Michelle to Mission Control. En route, Michelle sees a big scary spooky Mars face advance toward her windshield, which causes her spin off the road and flip her car upside down. She’s barely scratched up. Scully gives her a popsicle and they keep heading their way to Mission Control.

Mulder mansplains to Scully that the boosters will rotate the shuttle’s critical components away from the sun. If it stays in the sun, scorchy scorchy. It’s almost as if the booster controls are being overridden! Mulder and Scully remove their guns and look around the offices for a saboteur so they can pop caps up his tender butthole. Mulder orders a full closure of the facilities. No one enters, no one leaves, you know the drill.

Mission Control turns the shuttle into fly-by-wire mode, putting the shuttle pilots in control. Then they cut off contact with the ship and bury their hands in the faces for any new ideas. I personally suggest sending a big scary face over to the shuttle to scare the OTHER big scary face into stopping the sabotaging! Then they try getting back in touch with the shuttle, but after a minute of contrived suspenseful silence, the crew reports that all is well. LET’S UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE, WE’RE ALL WINNERS TODAY.

Colonel “I’m Gonna Whip You With My” Belt washes his face in the bathroom and then stares at his reflection like it’s going to come out of the mirror and bite him.

Later, Belt gives a press conference where he lies about the troubles the mission has been going through. Mulder makes a face like Belt’s reflection is going to come out of the mirror and suck his penis. When Mulder confronts him later about all the deceit, Belt says that he doesn’t want any fuckups on the front page. NASA only gets press if they screw up, and never if they do well. This country these days is in the shitter and we all blame William Jefferson Hilary Clinton Jr. Biden. Mulder asks Belt to be honest about his feelings regarding possible sabotage. Belt dodges the notion.

Belt’s getting ready for bed now, which will assuredly result in more scary-face action. He has more flashbacks of his trip in space when he had a sucky time, and while he writhes sweatily in his bed, the scary face fills his own face and it seems to be a possession trying to escape Belt’s ugly body. And it does. And it flies away…

The next day at Mission Control, MORE problems surface. Now there’s a goddamned oxygen leak, which is exactly what happened to Colonel “I’m Gonna Jerk Off While I Choke Myself with My” Belt when he was in space. Scully and Mulder offer to go find the missing Belt so that he can help walk the astronauts through the situation, but he appears to be hungover in his hotel room, possibly induced by some of that good, good autoerotic asphyxiation! It’s all coming together, isn’t it?

Anyway, they wrangle the disheveled Belt into Mission Control and he huffs and puffs his way through the explanation. Part of his instructions involve delivering the payload anyway — even if that’s cuckoo nutso because the mission is obviously going horribly — but a failed mission means slashed funding for the space program. The crew don’t sound too thrilled, but they continue.

Scully and Mulder spend some time research for evidence that Belt is aware of sabotage, either with this mission or previous missions, and they discover that this nimrod has a role in the Challenger disaster for approving faulty equipment with knowledge of the defects. The payload is successfully delivered, but one of the crew members is like “THERE’S SOME KIND OF GHOST OUTSIDE THE SHIP!”, which causes Belt to start howlin’ and cryin’. Scully and Mulder find him blubbering in his office about the ghost tearing him apart.

Scully wants to dope Belt up with muscle relaxers, but Mulder needs him to start yapping about how to save those astronauts. He gets a confession out of Belt that he damaged the spacecraft, but he couldn’t help himself. He has been possessed by space ghosts! Coast to coast! Then there’s more awful CGI showing Belt’s face morphing into Ghostface. And not the rapping Ghostface.

Michelle orders the crew to return the spacecraft to Earth, even though at their current trajectory will burn up the craft per Belt. They need to change the trajectory to Albuquerque for atmosphere reasons. The crew has sixteen minutes of oxygen left before the die of not-enough-oxygenitis. This is the suspenseful part again, but I’m not too invested in the shuttle crew! I, in fact, hope they eat the curb.

They don’t die, though, but they do want to eat something in Albuquerque on account of hunger, you see.

Michelle gives the press conference announcing the success of the mission without incident. They look forward to their next government-funded mission, which hopefully will not involve space ghosts and other creepy crawlies. Meanwhile, Belt is have a fit in his hospital bed struggling with his personal ghost possession. He can’t take it anymore and jumps through the window, plunging to his death.

Scully tells Mulder that the doctor had diagnosed Belt with severe dementia. Mulder knows something possessed him in space! He’s tired of Scully’s lack of logic.

Colonel Belt has a funeral. Everyone is sort of sad. The camera shows a close-up of the stars on the draped American flag, symbolizing, you know… I don’t know exactly. I guess wherever you find stars.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 10 — “Fallen Angel”
Mulder asks a woman if it hurt when she fell from heaven.