Will we find out why? Will anyone care?

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 5)”

I can’t imagine how hard it is to draw all these real people. The three of them on the cover look amazingly accurate. Kudos to John Cassaday who probably prints out screenshots from the Star Wars movies and traces over Harrison Ford’s handsome, chiseled face.

Luke Skywalker is sauntering around Tatooine under the blazing hot Tatooine sun looking for a new purpose in life. Boba Fett is sauntering around Tatooine under the blazing hot Tatooine sun looking for the guy who destroyed the Death Star. Ol’ Whatshisname. Jeff Something.

Fett is in a bar trying to maintain his intimidating presence while he asks about the whereabouts of the guy who made Death Star go Boom. “Does anyone here have something they’d like to say?”

A burly manly man of a man with six arms approaches Fett to kick his tender ass, but Fett is ready for a fun challenge! He successfully tears off one arm and breaks two others, then “kindly” asks the bar patrons once more about the whereabouts of the guy who made Death Star go Blooie. He keeps breaking arms while the dudes in the bar insist they don’t know anything. “Kenobi came in here not too long ago with some kid nobody’d ever seen before. Looked like a farmer’s brat. We don’t know the boy.”

One little human kid in the bar looks terrified before trying to run off. Fett quickly shoots out his hogtyin’ ropes and subdues the kid. “AAAAHHH!” he says! Time for some interrogation techniques! Torture! Tickling!

Han and Leia are discussing what it would take to fix the Millennium Falcon. Han suggests a hyperdrive regulator, two laser-powered cells, and three degaussers. Leia suggests flying the fucker right into the sun. Also, she is not the spare parts department, so stop bugging her with your whining about op-amps and defibrillators.

“All of a sudden, the deck crew tells me I can’t have the parts I need, not without proper approval,” Han whines. “Mind telling me why that is, your worshipfulness?” And then she reminds him that there’s a war going on, and all resources need to be diverted to establishing a new base. Not to Han Solo’s smelly landfill ship.

Han gets sly and says outright that the only thing actually keeping him here is that Leia doesn’t want him to leave, and if that’s not true then she should give him his parts. Post haste.

Nope! Here’s the deal, slacker: do some work around here to earn your parts. Luke went back to Tatooine to fill his underwear with sand, so Leia needs another copilot for a mission. And Han Solo is just the rugged go-getter for the job!

“I just helped you blow up the biggest weapons factory in the galaxy. I put my name on the Empire’s most wanted list for you,” Han whines.

“That was days ago,” Leia smiles WRYLY. “You need to stop living in the past, Captain Solo.”

Aw snap! Now you’ve gone and done it! Han is surly, and puts his foot down. One last time, Your Worshipful-Highniness. He’ll help one last time and then he’s going to get his fly-away-forever parts.

Meanwhile, Bobb Fett’s really beating this kid up. He’s tied to a table all hella missing teeth and surrounded by pointy knives. He fesses up, getting a stitch for being a snitch. Luke Skywalker’s the name, Mr. Boba Fett, sir. He lives with his aunt and uncle over by the ol’ moisture farms. You can find his underpants full of dirt about seven miles away.

Last thing he knows, Luke and old Ben “Kobe Beef” Kenobi were in Mos Eisley trying to get off this stupid rock.

Now please let him go and don’t kill him.

Satisfied, Boba “Tea” Fett heads out.

Luke is hanging out in the desert with R2-D2. They intend to find Obi-Wan’s old stomping grounds and see if there’s anything in his hovel that will be of use to Luke, such as a Jedi training video. Or some hella nunchucks. “I hear him sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but somehow it’s really Ben’s voice inside my head,” Luke muses, wondering why Kenobi doesn’t just tell him what he needs to know or what he needs to do next. Like a GameFAQs walkthrough for his life.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, one of those Tusken Raider Sand People that plague the Tatooine lands pops up and does a big “EEERRGGHH” at Luke. He whips out his lightsaber, and then realizes a group of them are milling around Kenobi’s house. “No!” Luke yells. “Get away from there!”

Leia is scouting the galaxy for possible new base locations. Like Hoth for instance, but she doesn’t know that yet. Han is being snarky. Leia is being grumpy. “Since you went through all this trouble just to get me alone,” Han smiles with that Harrison Ford charm, “the least you could is take me someplace with a nice beach.”

Han’s “copiloting” job is easy. Just let Leia take the controls and shut it the hell up. She’s doing a pretty good job flying this stolen Imperial starcraft on her own, so I’m beginning to think she did want Han Solo there for a little bit of possible kissy kissy.

It’s too bad a couple of Tie Fighters start following closely behind. “Attention, unknown shuttle. You do not have clearance for this sector. Identifiy yourself.”

Eep! No time to panic! Tell them we’re Bert and Ernie! Gaahh, that won’t help, those guys can barely tie their shoes! Wait, hold on…

“This is the Shuttle Invictus, out of the Blackfel System, on a classified scouting mission. Transmitting clearance codes now.”

That outta hold ‘em off for a hot nanosecond! What are TIE fighters doing this far into the Outer Rim, anyway? The Empire is trying to stick their fingers in too many pies, and not in a sexy way.

The funny thing is, the clearance codes were going to work and the TIE fighters were going to allow Han and Leia to pass, but Han decided to take the reigns and try to fly away fast! I’m a poet and I do noet! Anyway, this is suspicious! Leia is pissed! Han, you suave drink of water. You really know how to rile a woman up, and not in a sexy way.

“Okay, okay, I’ll think of something,” Han says, losing his swagger. The TIE fighters are shooting green lasers at them like it’s a Pink Floyd lightshow. Oh wait, Han knows a planet they can fly to and evade the BOWTIE fighters.

“The nav computer doesn’t even recognize this as a planet,” Leia gripes as the advance toward the ugly, red rock in space. “Scanners say there’s nothing here but an atmospheric sea of cyclones and electrical superstorms.”

Han Solo thinks this is the most perfect, jim-dandiest place to be! The electrical storms will be so electrifying that the TIE fighters will explode into 365 smithereens! That’s one smithereen for every day on Earth. Whatever the hell “Earth” is. And indeed, the TIE fighters stop giving chase once they realize that flying directly into lightning isn’t very alluring. Han Solo, on the other hand, welcomes the idea and smiles through it.

Leia thinks they’re going to get real dead.

While these two lovebirds are descending upon this planet, the mysterious bounty hunter is tracking them. “The Monsua Nebula. I knew it,” he says, looking at his radar and knowing it. “A dog always returns to its favorite den, doesn’t it? I’ve got you now, you sorry son of a bantha.”

While this sorry son of a — what is it now, a bantha? That’s quite hilarious! — is getting chased down, Luke Skywalker is on Tatooine also getting chased down by those Tusken Raiders that want to bite him in the neck and chew on his ankles. But the lightsaber scared them away! The big scary lightbulb that burns hands off! Nobody wants that!

“All I feel is anger and frustration. Something tells me that’s not the path to becoming a Jedi,” Luke muses quite observantly. He hopes he can ransack Kenobi’s house for clues on how to become a Jedi the easy way.

He enters Kenobi’s shitsack of a dwelling and finds garbage everywhere. “BIP BOO WHEEP,” says R2-D2. “BEEDO BEEDO WWHMPP.”

Snip snoop bippity boop. Spism spazzle frazzle frism.

“Why do you think Ben spent all those years out here in the middle of nowhere?” Luke asks. “After everything he must have seen and done, all the places he’d been… why Tatooine? Why…”

BIPPITY BOOP. BOOP-A-DOOP-A.

R2-D2 finds a weird casket with “For Luke” written in Tatooinese.

Then someone throws a smoke bomb into Kenobi’s old hut. It explodes! Luke can’t see! R2-D2 is fizzling!

It’s Boba Fett. It’s always Boba Fett

Final Thoughts

Issue #6 is going to show Han Solo’s dick entering and exiting Princess Leia’s vagina over the course of 44 panels, occasionally buffered by panels of Luke Skywalker’s frowning face.