actually there to sabotage an Empire base by blowing it up, which is how the Rebel Alliance solves every problem. Luke discovers a room full of prisoners that he busts out and collects for their rebellion.
An Empire shuttle arrives carrying Darth Vader, who was supposed to be there to negotiate with the negotiators, but now he’s going to open a can of Whoop-Ass™ brand cola on some rebels! Luke doesn’t make it out with the rest, and now he’s head-on with Vader in a battle of light-up swords!
Edge of seat suspense! Will Luke get out of this alive or will he die, changing the course of events in the canon from this point forward??
Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [April, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 2)”
The splash page recap tells me that Cymoon 1 holds the (possibly) largest weapons factory in the entire Empire. The Rebels want to blow it up because weapons are bad. They want to blow up the bad weapons with weapons.
“You hold that weapon like an untrained child,” Darth Vader scolds as Luke Skywalker looks at him with a facial expression like an untrained child. Darth Vader doesn’t even know who this pisspants is! Luke’s all like “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,” and he leaps at the Sith Lord with his lightsaber. “RRRGGGHH!” he bellows nerdily.
Vader blocks it while exerting literally no effort. Luke falls to the floor. Now the young “Jedi” wants to avenge Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom Vader had killed on the Death Star about *checks watch* 45 minutes ago. Vader does the Force thing and whisks the lightsaber right out of Luke’s poop-smeared hands. He’s all like “whuh, buh, how’d he do dat?”
“The Force will never be with you, boy. Your master has fallen. What hope do you have?”
Salient points! Vader will allow this kid to live if he coughs up all the plans, schematics, portfolios, and powerpoint presentations of the Rebel Alliance. Including their home base and its official mascot and, oh yeah, what the nature of the attack is here on Cymoon 1. Also who ruined his Death Star? He would like to murder him, please.
Vader is about to fry this guy a new cornhole, but then he stops and examines Luke’s lightsaber. Very familiar! Look at that serial number! Why, this one used to belong to–
CRASH! Han Solo is stomping around the factory in a giant AT-AT Walker like a real jerkass.
Insert a joke here about ramming something else down Vader’s throat. I’m too lazy.
So Han crashes around while stormtroopers run around in frantic circles and the freed slaves start uppercutting bitches. Vader kills one of them with Luke’s lightsaber, which makes Luke cry. “No one else dies because of him,” he says, trying to reach for his weapon. “Help me, Ben. Please… help me kill him.”
Yeah, it’s not going to be that easy. You’re still in diapers while Vader is wearing adult diapers. Vader gets the lightsaber back and starts chopping off limbs willy-nilly. Luke cries some more.
Meanwhile, Leia tells Han to stop driving like an idiot. Han tells her to shut the fuck up. They get right up in each other’s faces like they’re just waiting to wreck Harrison Ford’s marriage any second now. R2-D2 is trying to get the Walker’s weapons system up and running so they can shoot ballistics at some Empire trash. “TWEEET BADEEP BRRRRP”, this is how they see fit to write out R2’s beeps and boops. Cute.
What’s C-3PO been up to? Last we checked, he’s stuck in a landfill while little creatures steal parts of the Millennium Falcon. “The ship is still being dismantled by scavengers. Perhaps if you or Master Luke could come to assist…” the insufferable robot tells Leia, who retorts that everyone is going to DIE in the godforsaken factory unless he gets his shiny gold butt in the air and rescue them.
So C-3PO politely tells the scavengers to please, if you could, stop tearing the ship apart. Please. He threatens them with a gun, which he promptly drops. Then he holds his hands up to surrender. I don’t think this is what Leia had in mind, but at least he barely tried.
He doesn’t know Esperanto, though. That shit is made up.
The droid attempts to communicate with the creatures, but this only results in being shot at. He takes one in the chest like a pro.
Luke is still jumping around the factory avoiding his own assailants. He tells, like, the three remaining slaves to stay down until Luke comes up with a plan. Whoever died and made Luke boss is probably spinning in his putrid, Obi-Wan grave right now. “This is my fault, Ben. I’m not my father. I’m not a Jedi. I’m just… some stupid farm boy from Tatooine. I don’t belong here.”
Yeah, no shit. You’ve really screwed things up for a very large number of people. Go back to your sand farm and pound sand, dork.
Luke turns his head about 15 degrees and spots a rack of motorcycles that can shoot people. I think it’s one of those landspeeders or speeder bikes or one of the other 700 made-up vehicles in the Star Wars universe. At any rate, he’ll likely suck at using one. He smirks like he’s got it all figured out and then starts driving around like a 14-year-old maniac practicing in a parking lot. “That boy…” Vader says, somewhat defeated. “Perhaps I was too hasty to dismiss him.”
Han is used to the Walker’s controls and now he’s trying to step on Vader. Vader uses the Force to keep the Walker foot hovering in the air. Leia’s hollering about the Force, but Han doesn’t believe in the Force! Something else is causing this, like magnets or ghost demons or Space Jesus. Han yells to R2-D2 to get the fucking guns online. R2 beeps. The guns are online. Han shoots the guns. Vader stumbles and says “NOOOOOO” like that one part of that one movie.
The sexual tension is palpable. The one between Leia and R2-D2, that is.
C-3PO has been disassembled and is currently being hauled off by scavengers, which he finds most dreadful and humiliating.
Luke speeds his way out of the factory, making sure to grab his lightsaber along the way.
Vader is MIA. Han Solo considers this a rousing success and is looking forward to a celebratory box of Mr. Phipps Pretzel Chips.
Vader emerges among the mechanical wreckage in the factory groaning and wheezing and schlorping. His helmet is off, and he kills a stormtrooper who accidentally caught a glimpse of this pasty egg head. Overseer Aggadeen announces to Vader over the intercom that he was unable to stop the meltdown sequence initiated by the Rebels. “Request permission to evacuate the facility.”
Nope! Go down with the ship, Overseer. Die doing what you loved: exploding in a factory.
“Further failure will be dealt with harshly. The Rebel invaders must die. Except the boy,” Vader muses. “Leave him to me.”
Final Thoughts
Well that was short! I don’t know how Luke is getting out of this one alive! No evidence suggests that he does!
Stay tuned for Issue #3 where Princess Leia dry humps an astromech droid.
