PREGAME THOUGHTS

I heard this is the worst movie of the prequels. Something had to be the worst, right? I “saw” this movie during a sleepover at a friend’s house, probably in 2003 when I was 15. He popped in Attack of the Clones at about 4am and it was absolute torture.

20 years later I finally have an open mind! And I’m watching it about 16 hours later in the day this time, so that will probably help.

THE 400(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

We’re ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace, which would put us at 22 BBY the Year of our Lord. There’s this motherfucker named Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) who used to be a Jedi Master but now he’s using his skills for Evil and going up against the Republic. Former Queen of Naboo, now Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) intends to vote to create an army to help the Jedi oppose Dooku, but she gets hella almost assassinated on Coruscant. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are tasked with protecting Padmé, but then she gets hella almost assassinated again. A bounty hunter kills the assassin before they know who she is (it’s Zam Wesell, whoever that is). Obi-Wan is then tasked with tracking down the bounty hunter while Anakin continues to protect Padmé. Anakin escorts her back to Naboo, where there are many awful scenes of the two of them falling in love. Padmé appoints Jar Jar Fucking Binks to be an acting Senate representative in her absence, and he’s going to really fuck things up. Pretty much single-handedly destroying the Republic. Honestly.

Obi-Wan follows his bounty hunter to a remote planet, where an army of clones are being produced. He finds Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), who he suspects is his man, and the OG Clone Prime. He’s not a clone, per se. The clones are his clones. Also Boba Fett. He’s a clone, too, and he’s a youngin’ here. Jango and Obi-Wan slap each other for a bit before Obi-Wan throws a homing beacon on Jango’s ship. After some more slap fighting, this time in space, Jango/Boba lose Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan then follows them to a planet with the cool-ass name Geonosis. This is where Obi-Wan finds Dooku and discovers Dooku’s plot to develop a droid army to counter the Republic. Also, he tried to kill Padmé twice, and that ain’t very nice. Obi-Wan is captured. Dooku visits him in jail, offering to work with the Jedi to stop an insidious Darth Sidious (Your Mother) from taking control of the Galactic Republic. Obi-Wan tells him to stuff it.

Among all this, Anakin returns to Tatooine to visit his mother. He learns that she was abducted by Tusken Raiders. He tracks her down, she dies, he slaughters an entire neighborhood of Tusken Raiders. He confesses this murderous rage to Padmé and promises, going forward, to prevent everyone he loves from dying. Tall order, I’m sure he’ll be successful.

Hearing on the internet that Obi-Wan is trapped on Geonosis, Anakin and Padmé head over there. There’s this really long scene where they get trapped in the clone-making factory and almost die, but they don’t die. Anakin loses his lightsaber, and he and Padmé get captured by Jango Fett. They are sentenced to death by monsters in a big coliseum, along with Obi-Wan. When it looks like it’s curtains for the three of them, the big-wig Jedi Knights arrive with a posse of clone soldiers. Battle ensues, Jango gets killed, and Anakin/Obi-Wan fight Dooku with lightsabers. Dooku hands their asses on a platter. Anakin even gets his hand cut off. It runs in the family. Yoda shows up to fight, but Dooku runs off like a little wuss.

There is unrest among the Jedi with respect to the whole Darth Sidious taking over the Republic thing. Anakin marries Padmé and the movie is finally over.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Yeah, this wasn’t too exciting. Since I know Revenge of the Sith is going to be the best of the prequels by a long shot, I can make a safe judgment call that Attack of the Clones is the worst of the original six movies. And this is coming from someone who groaned every four minutes at all the Muppets and Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. That movie can fuck off too, kinda.

Attack of the Clones suffers from an abundance of terrible Anakin/Padmé scenes that take up roughly 91% of the movie. Some virgin on Reddit described their romantic relationship as believable “if you’re an eight-year-old who has only had a crush on his babysitter”, which is somewhat accurate! In the first movie Anakin was 9 and Padmé was 17! I remember kids in high school were legitimately mad that Anakin got to fuck Natalie Portman. It was weird and sad. Anyway, take out every scene where Anakin and Padmé are alone together and you’ve got a movie where Obi-Wan Kenobi tries to solve a mystery that makes no sense anyway.

To take a step back, Hayden Christensen is a bad actor in general and a weak casting decision. This is Darth Vader? Darth Vader, who commands his troops with an iron fist and silences every room he enters? They had to dye the kid’s frosted tips. They had to cut takes just to get him to stop puffing out his poochy, pouty lips. They should have cast Elijah Wood! That guy certainly has a face, and it’s not like he was busy with some other box office-breaking trilogy or anything.

I like the part where Jango Fett, a hired assassin, hires an assassin to assassinate Padmé and then basically sticks around to supervise the assassination, and then when it doesn’t go well he assassinates the assassin. That’s good writing.

TOPIC 2 — Jar Jar Binks Killed Billions of People

This is funny to me, and probably to any other member of the anti-Jar Jar Binks fanclub (of which I am both President and CFO), but cinching the reality that Jar Jar Binks has no redeeming qualities is pretty satisfying. Thinking he’s doing the right thing because he’s a complete fuck-up, he convinces the Senate to grant emergency powers to Palpatine, which leads to the destruction of the Republic, which leads to the rise of the Empire, which leads to the explosion of Alderaan. lol

I really don’t know what George Lucas was thinking by creating this character. A reasonable person would assume that Jar Jar Binks’ whole purpose was to provide comic relief for the eight-year-old moviegoers and then this bumbling fool would single-handedly destroy the Galactic Republic because, I don’t know, George Lucas thought it would be delicious irony for a well-meaning, “endearing” character to accidentally screw things up so badly. But no, George Lucas was sad when his beloved Jar Jar Binks character wasn’t well-received by audiences and critics across the board. I heard that Lucas ate 400 McDonald’s cheeseburgers to cope with the sadness.

I heard Disney World is going to create “Jar Jar Binksland” as a celebration of America’s most misunderstood and least favorite movie character of all time. The park will be full of unsprung mousetraps that are ready to snap your dick and/or clit off, and admission is $500 per person.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Hayden Christensen claimed to have greatly enjoyed filming the bar scene, because it was all a real set, and not just a greenscreen.
What a whiner. Make your millions in front of the greenscreen, kid. It’s called “movie magic” and it’s magical.

Due to much of the animosity aimed towards Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999), the working title of this movie was “Jar Jar’s Big Adventure”.
As much as I hate Jar Jar Binks, I’d probably enjoy a Pee-Wee Herman / Jar Jar Binks crossover. Yeah, like I’d enjoy a bullet through the dick.

Because he wanted to be able to identify himself during the colosseum scene, Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu) specifically asked George Lucas if he could have a purple light-saber. Lucas replied that Jedi light-sabers were only blue or green, to which Jackson said “Yeah, but I want a purple one.”
Fucking lol. Are you going to tell Samuel L. Jackson no? You give Samuel L. Jackson what he wants. You bet your ass there’s a purple lightsaber in this movie.

This film marks the first time Yoda used a light-saber. Previously the puppet had problems grasping his own light-saber and making it look realistic.
Maybe the puppet should have stepped his game up a little bit and earned his check. I’m telling you man, good work is hard to find.

Actors auditioning for the part of Anakin Skywalker included Ryan Phillippe, Misha Collins, Paul Walker, Colin Hanks, Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, James Van Der Beek, Joshua Jackson, Eric Christian Olsen, Erik von Detten, Chris Klein, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jonathan Brandis. In the end, Hayden Christensen got the part, primarily because he and Natalie Portman “looked good together”.
Eat shit, James Van Der Beek. You look like garbage filtered through a poop sock standing next to Natalie Portman.

Jar Jar Binks, standing in for Senator Amidala, puts forth the motion that gives Palpatine supreme powers. This means that Jar Jar, the most hated character in the Star Wars canon, is indirectly responsible for the fall of the Old Republic and the near-annihilation of the Jedi order.
Darth Binks, the evil, maniacal genius. He played the long game here. Never underestimate the motivations of weirdo amphibious CGI bug-eyed reptile creatures.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Nope! I even hazard to say that this one can be entirely skipped! Read the synopsis on Wikipedia and/or TomWritesAboutStuff.com