Elsewhere, Brainiac 1.0 has taken over Baby Lena Luthor and is channeling through her to help Lex stop Brainiac 13 (a model that is 80,000 years ahead of current technology! Like, oh snap, son!). It has recreated Superman from Brainiac 13’s power core and they get him out of stasis. Time to finish what they’ve started, chumps, and Lex and Superman are gonna team up to do it!

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), it doesn’t matter. We’re doing Y2K stuff now. This is the issue where the insufferable John Henry Irons will show up to play superhero, so I hate it already.

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 [March, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Thirty Minutes to Oblivion”

“9 A.M., New Year’s Day 2000. Hangover time.” The speeding pitch black train (that Ma and Pa Kent are currently trapped on) is starting to slow down, much to the relief of the hapless passengers who have been dealing with circling the city at 490 mph all day.

The train stops at a surprisingly well-lit subway station where men with green jumpsuits, futuristic batons, and bright yellow lights on their foreheads are ushering everybody out. “Get moving… a life of glorious union awaits you all!”

This makes people uneasy as they shuffle out of the train. The station is swarming with metallic spiders. “Be joyful. The Master has determined that the human race displays all the elements required of an efficient maintenance force. He is raising this shining new city for our well-being.” Absolute dogshit stuff here. What Master? Why is the Master pushing people around? Why should anyone listen to the Master? There are literally a thousand more questions like these, such as what Master ? Oh wait, I already said that.

This leader of the Jumpsuit Brigade assures the scared people that they will be shown the light and reborn as a faithful servant to Brainiac 13. “Now – step into the reorientation chamber!” he says, pointing to big face-shaped artifact with a hole in the mouth for the coveted reorientation proceedings. Dudes are getting shot in the arm with these futuristic batons and going like this: *grimace*

LUCKILY, SUPERMAN IS ON THE SCENE! Why? I don’t know. Maybe he sensed that a nefarious reorientation was afoot? He starts bouncing from one jumpsuited motherfucker to another, breaking batons and dusting off his hands.

Ah yeah, Mark Schultz is the guy who likes to tell his story through a lot of inner monologue. That’s what we in the business call “not good storytelling”, but who am I to judge? “The Blue Construct’s physical contact with Brainiac 13 allowed me to accurately ‘see’ that monster’s plan to herd civilians to this reprogramming center!” he says to himself / the audience, which I guess explains why he sensed that his presence was needed. Maybe there could have been a better way to express this, such as Superman yelling at the top of his lungs “BEING BLUE HELPED ME TO FIND DA PEOPLE”.

Superman wanted to kind of do this clandestinely, but barrelling into the station like the fucking Kool-Aid Man has unwittingly attracted Brainiac 13’s attention. Brainiac, being as smart as he is, doesn’t understand how or why Superman has made it here and not been killed by now, but he vows to finish the job! All Brainiac has to do is wrap some metal tendrils around here, squeeze that, yank here, pull down here, twist it, pull it, bop it, bop it, bop it, pull it, twist it, twist it, yaarrrrgghhhh!

IN FLIES ERADICATOR! How convenient! What the fuck am I reading this for? My intelligence is not only being insulted, but dragged through the mud and stomped upon! Brainiac is freaking out, spitting out 1s and 0s and trying to juggle the influx of unknown variables. “Why was I not aware of these eventualities?” the Big Brain sputters and buzzes. “AMAZING – the Eradicator seems to have taken Brainiac by surprise…” Superman thinks, in case you, the reader, have recently had your spinal cord disconnected from your brain and are unable to process information you read about three seconds ago. “Brainiac wasn’t prepared for his attack!”

Perhaps Superman is trying to prove to us that he’s on the ball and not the dummy that he most obviously is! In any case, the Eradicator is here for some reason and that’s good enough for right now. Brainiac phases out of the area, perhaps going to another dimension for a bit before he gets fully eradicated. Ma and Pa Kent run up to talk to Superman, who is all “heh heh, uh, hi there Mr. and Mrs. Kent! How is your SON doing? *wink*”

They ask Superman if he’s fine, and of course he is! But perhaps Ma and Pa should scurry the fuck off before they get hurt. Of course, Pa is a spring chicken and offers to help the other fine people to the hospital or something. That’s dumb! So Superman turns away from him for a minute to talk to Eradictor. “YOU. Why did you return to Earth? I don’t know whether to be happy you bailed me out – or frightened.”

The answer is a resounding “BE FRIGHTENED”, for the Eradictor’s systems have been alerted to a danger in this sector, over and out. The danger being, certainly, in case you haven’t been paying attention whatsoever to the last three-and-a-half issues of Superman, Brainiac trying to take over the planet! Here’s the kicker at the moment, Brainiac is trying to infiltrate Superman’s Fortress of Solitude right now. He’s trying to take away your jerking-off privacy place, Superman. You can’t have that happen, can you? Where will you jerk off then?

EXACTLY! This is bad news! Plus, that’s where the Eradictor has been hanging out, so if it’s affected by the virus it’ll be bad news. Bad news is everywhere now, this rotten millennium.

Only 30 minutes remain until the B13 virus infiltrates the Fortress, but not to worry. The dang Metal Men are here to help save some semblance of the day.

MEANWHILE “somewhere in the Old Hook Basin district of Suicide Slum, John Henry “Useless” Irons’ whole operation has turned against itself. All his machinery and equipment has developed minds of their own, turned into robots, and they’re trying to KILL John Henry “Pointless” Irons. His niece Natasha thinks this is all his fault, which I’m laughing at as we speak. “So maybe if you had let me go out for New Year’s Eve we’d have a better idea what’s happened to this loser city!”

Irons keeps hitting everything he sees with his big Thor hammer. “DAMN!” he says, busting up some robots who are mocking him, saying that he will acquiesce to the whole “bowing down to the Master” plan. “You have many skills that will prove most useful once you are properly programmed.” Like what, hitting shit with a hammer? Anyone can do that.

Natasha thinks this is bananas and tries to get out of here before anything weirder happens to harsh her buzz. “I’m sick and tired of being forced to do what I don’t wanna…” she says running off while Irons yells at her to stay close. “NAT! I’ve got a plan! Get back here, girl!”

What’s your plan, John Henry “No Plan” Irons? Not having a plan? Sure looks like it.

Natasha has a real plan: throwing a gigantic amount of nuts and bolts into a literal cannon and firing them at the robots. Too bad that they seem to be reassembling themselves as soon as they were blasted apart. I guess they should start trying to get out of the factory instead.

Back at the subway station, the overly-cloying Metal Men are assuring Superman that they are in control of the situation. Viridium and Tin are schlepping folks off to the hospital while Iron and the Eradicator help launch Superman quickly out of Metropolis before Brainiac can figure out that he’s gone. Off to the Fortress of Jerking Off.

What’s going with Lex Luthor during this whole mess? He’s chagrined to be hiding out in his own tower like a scared little rat. His niece Lena, channeling Brainiac 2, tells Lex to cool his jets and let the adults solve the problems.

They make it to the High Security Chamber, which has substantially higher security than the Low Security Chamber! Here nothing has been affected by the B13 virus, so all the weapons and machinery are dormant and not alive and acting up and rearranging furniture or anything like that. Brainiac 13 can’t sense it. It’s a sight for sore eyes.

As Superman and Eradicator fly to Antarctica, Superman notices that Brainiac’s influence has spread far, far, far from Metropolis already. Only seven minutes until the Fortress is infiltrated!… oh shit, the B13 program can sense their approach! Who forgot to bring the Invisibility Cloak? This royally bites, man. And as if that weren’t senseless enough, “the field of slag where Superman melted down the Fortress” is alive now. Whatever that fucking means, I don’t know how the B13 virus can affect slag. That’s stupid. You’re an awful storyteller, Mark Schultz. Did I mention that already??

“THE ERADICATOR PROGRAM IS BREATHING LIFE AND SHAPE INTO THE FUSED ASHES OF THE FORTRESS!”

I don’t know what it really means to “breathe shape” into something, but I think I’m going to go take a walk for a bit to clear my head of all the garbage this issue has FOISTED upon me.

…

And we’re back. The slag has turned into a large rock monster with a scythe and now Superman and Eradicator have to fight it for some reason. “The last survivor of my beloved homeworld, and a misguided corruption that dares take my name… would waste themselves against the True Eradicator!” it says.

I need another walk. Be right back.

…

Okay. So Eradictor’s so upset that his eyeballs and mouth hole are full of fire. “You have grown strong, monster, but we seek only to protect our home… a world that has shown us mercy and refuge…”

CUUUNCH! Eradicator gets fucking sliced. Good luck trying to outsmart the rock monster, he’s the same only better because he’s the True Eradicator and he can predict every single move! Ahhh ha ha haaa!!

Superman makes a “grrrr” face and determines that these two are so evenly matched that, at best, a stalemate will be the inevitable outcome. Like when there are only two kings left on a chessboard and they just keep doing laps. I guess it’s up to SUPERMAN now to SAVE THE DAY since the Eradicator CAN’T DO SHIT. The True Eradicator informs him it’s too late to do anything! Check your watch, it’s clobbering time! AND, the True Eradicator is going to truly eradicate Earth and replace it with a newer Krypton. A better Krypton. This Krypton won’t explode, it’ll be inert like atomic element #36. That’s krypton.

False Eradicator and Superman team up once again to settle this beast once and for all. “My heat vision and your energy blasts! Strike him together!” Yeah yeah, rah rah rah. Rally ‘em up.

The True Eradicator, again, indicates that it’s too late for any of these tomfooleries. Check it out, those robot spiders are crawling to him! “Yes! Come to me, you bearers of alien wealth! Come and allow our many resources to be joined… and may the strongest program win!”

Superman-shaped Eradicator clutches his forehead, defeated. The spiders have chosen. There is no use, Superman. No use. Hey, Superman, are you listening? OK, good, thank you. It’s no use.

And Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer! …or a statement… Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer to the question “is it of any use?”

Oh wait, Eradicator has a backup plan: fly into the rock monster and possess it with his alter ego David Connor, who I don’t know but also I don’t care. He does this and I don’t understand how it really works. I’m willing to bet Mark Schultz doesn’t understand it either. He just wrote this damn thing.

There’s an angle that makes Superman look like he has seventeen chins while he bids his friend farewell and then it’s back to business! The spider robots are all collapsing! “But why? The giant didn’t inflict any obvious damage on… wait a minute… the Eradicator caught B13 off guard back in Metropolis…” So then, also, and including this, therefore, also, B13 is sensitive to Kryptonian technology. Let’s use this to our advantage and get the hell out of this comic book!

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is floating in stasis and hooked up to all manner of weird apparati. Baby Lena Brainiac 2 is with him, assures him that this is the way things are to be. Here’s the skinny: Brainiac 13 is just like your whiz-bang Gateway Computers with Windows 2000 installed. He must program his systems to read and recognize the specific technologies with which he wants to interface. Lex is hooked up to a Kryptonian weapon, and if Brainiac 13 interfaces with it he’ll freeze up and get the BSoD and endlessly run that old screen saver with the 3D brick maze.

Lex Luthor wears a kryptonian warsuit, this huge Transformers looking thing! It’s gonna tear into Brainiac 13 like me tearing into a delicious slab of beef jerky! “Now shut up and guide me to the interloper,” Lex yells at his niece. “I’m taking back my city!”

Final Thoughts

Superman: The Man of Steel is the worst, man. Real awful stuff. Deplorable. I look forward to the next installment.