KNOW EACH OTHER. Oooh, baby. Chills.

Bruce Wayne also recounts his time at boarding school as a lad. He discovers his friend’s head in the waste bin in the headmaster’s office while he gets caned to kingdom come. That’s probably the most nutso thing I’ve seen in a Batman comic so far, and I saw Joker slice his own face off.

More fun surely awaits!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 1990]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“The Burning Nun”

The enormous Batcave full of enormous machinery on page one is the coolest depiction of the Batcave I’ve seen yet. Multiple levels and stalagmites and stalactites and metal floors and railings and, honestly, it looks like it’s -45°F down there. Alfred stands at a counter with what looks like a serving tray with a single bottle of cough syrup on it. “Good morning, sir,” he addresses the approaching Batman. “Pleasant night?”

Well, no, Alfred. He was out beating people up again, that’s far from pleasant. We can’t all stay in Bruce Manor playing Mario Golf all night like some people he knows. Alfred asks where Batman’s cape went. He looks like garbage without it! It rounds out the apparel well and now he just looks like one of those kids who wears a puffy Batman costume while trick-or-treating.

“Lost in a fall,” Batman says of the missing cape. “The neck brace in my cowl was a good idea, Alfred. I’d have broken my neck without it.” Well, we can’t run around fighting crime with a head all flopping around, can we? Compliments accepted, sir.

Batman speaks candidly about his evening. Seems that his headmaster, Mean Ol’ Mr. Winchester, he is the one who has been murdering all these gang bosses left and right. Golly, it’s been 20 years since he last saw him. He was in his ‘40s then. Now he’s… *counts on fingers* … 96! But he still looks 40! Awfully strange, that.

Bruce is bleeding from the head and asks Alfred to stitch him up in the infirmary, which is roughly 65 floors above the Batcave and the elevator is broken and/or nonexistent! Once that’s all taken care of, it’s time to pay a Mr. Winchester a friendly visit!

Fiddlesticks, though. Winchester ain’t at the school right now, but Bruce speaks to… some other guy behind a desk. You see, Bruce is very interested in tape recordings of Winchester reading old poems. His sultry baritone voice is just the medicine for soothing frazzled evening nerves! He would like to borrow a tape.

Well, there’s no love lost of Mr. Winchester. He fucked off amid a scandalous scandal and the school is still recovering from the damage. “There are certain old wounds, Wayne,” the… principal? … tells him while pouring a drink. “Wounds which I would be most reluctant to re-open.”

Well, why didn’t you say so? Principal Green-Shirt puts his spectacles back on and leaves the office for a tick. Bruce waits patiently in the chair playing with himself a tad, staring out at the window with a glazed-over expression. The principal guy comes back with a large reel. “Sorry to take such a long time. I hope this may prove useful.”

This isn’t pornography! Oh well, he’ll take it anyway. Wincherster’s sultry baritone and all that.

Bruce puts his Batman stuff back on, because one cannot just hang out in the Batcave without looking the part, and listens to Winchester’s recording. Voice analysis tells him that Winchester comes from Austria, and why that’s relevant whatsoever is lost on me, but Batman finds this info useful so I will go along with this dumb ride. “Who is he? What does he want in Gotham? What’s his plan?” These are all solid questions, but to get to the bottom of this he’s going to have to play a few rounds of Mario Golf with Alfred. Barring that, it’s time to continue analyzing recordings! Perhaps this reel of examples of regional dialects will help him with… whatever.

Batman stops dead on his feet when he hears the voice of his father. “I must have filed the tape wrong…” he stammers as he stumbles and flops around the tape player trying to stop it before he goes into convulsions. A nearby Alfred notices this display of undignified behavior.

Within the recording, his father mentions, among other inconsequential items, Lake Dess, Austria. Batman considers this to be a clue and makes preparations to travel to Austria. At least I don’t feel like I’ve taken crazy pills a couple minutes ago, because Alfred thinks this is nuts. But when does Bruce ever listen to Alfred? Wise, always-correct Alfred? He never fucking does, that’s when.

Batman goes to another part of the Batcave and removes a giant Bat tarp from a Batcopter and starts Bat-flying soon enough.

Elsewhere, even Morgenstern is starting to get paranoid. Morgenstern, who has been skeptical from the very beginning, has his goons holding a man upside-down over a 700-story roof. “You told Bunny Babbitt it was me who poisoned Ottavio. What are you trying to do, huh? Taking over this city is a very delicate operation, and you’re screwing it up with your big mouth.

The man is named Henry, and he’s unleashing veritable torrents of diarrhea. Morgenstern wants to be very, very, very clear here: Back to the Future II absolutely sucks ass. ALSO, Ottavio was killed by Mr. Whisper. THAT’S what everyone needs to know, ok? Stop spreading ugly rumors or, so help him, Morgenstern will glue Henry’s eyes open and make him watch Back to the Future III, and that one is even worse. Don’t toy with him.

Of course, just like they all say when they’re hovering a mile over pavement, Henry desperately yelps that he’ll do anything Morgenstern wants. Does he like blowjobs by a man? He’ll find someone great for that! Just– WAAAAHHH!!! PLEASE!!!

“I want you to seriously start thinking about your new life as a stain on the sidewalk,” Morgenstern tells him, puffing a cigar.

“You’re next, Morgenstern!” Henry yells, getting some balls in spite of his situation. “Whisper’s out there and you’re NEXT, you bastar–”

Then Morgenstern’s goon lets him go. Henry plummets. Morgenstern moves on. This Mr. Whisper thing is out of control. What he’s really like too is for Batman to disappear for a couple of days. Hopefully somewhere remote, like Lake Dess, Austria. Ah, but a man can dream… a man can dream…

Here’s another scene with that short-haired nun they keep showing. She crouches in the doorframe of a pathway in the train station. A man wearing a flamboyant red cape and a devil-horn hairstyle approaches with a rose. “Don’t be afraid, little nun. Don’t run away. Why must the young be always in such hurry? Racing to the grave, never taking the time to stop. To stop and smell the roses. Soon the streets of this city will be filled with roses.”

Bruce is in Austria speaking fluent German to a monk, because why not? The monk tells him to speak to the abbot; he’ll give him directions to Lake… what was it now? Dess? Yes, the abbot will know. The abbot knows all!

The abbot speaks fluent English! That’s lucky! “I rather think you alarmed many of the brothers, Batman,” he admonishes the super hero. “Your appearance is somewhat distressing.”

Well, get used to it. The Bat goes where the Bat wants. The abbot takes him through the monastery, which makes Batman antsy and impatient. He wants directions to Lake Dess! He doesn’t want to walk through a stinky monk hovel! But, oh, there will be plenty of time for that. Abbot McJones wants to show him something… interesting…

*opens trenchcoat*

Abbot leads him to a large library. He speaks of the history of the monastery that’s not at all interesting as promised. It’s awfully dull. You see, roughly 300 years ago blah blah blah…

The “illuminating” story is fairly long. “Untouched by the pestilence which raged through the countryside, stood the Monastery of the Capuchins, Then, as now, the Monastery was the home of Humble Men. Godly Men.” Great, unnecessary capitalization. Why does Batman have to go to some faraway location and learn about their culture again? Why can’t he just stay home and beat up a bad guy the old-fashioned way?

Brother Manfred was the pious and most devout, wrapped up like a deuce, another runner in the night. Blinded by the light. He was perfect in every way, just a pristine, shining example of monkiness. Except he was proud, ohhhhh, was he ever proud. Satan fell from heaven because of pride! Pride is bunk! Can’t have it! Manfred was proud of his learning, proud of his rejection of earthly desire. He patted himself on the back too much. It was sickening.

Manfred took a liking to a younger protégé named Conrad, who reminded Manfred of himself. One day, Conrad told Manfred that he had a sin to confess that only he, Manfred, could help him with! There’s the pride again! ONLY him?! Spit it out, son, this is fantastic!

Apparently, Conrad was led to believe that sinning was the road to salvation, so he sinned his fucking ass off. Every vice you can think of: smoking, drinking, lusty indulgences, gambling in Four Winds casinos, smacking prostitutes, chewing tobacco, coffee, shopping for shoes, laziness, laxatives, video games, strangling animals, and enjoying some family-friendly masturbatory activities. So, Manfred took it upon himself to lead other monks into some… cleansing. Cleansing to appease God of Conrad’s sinning. You see what I’m getting at here? Cleansing.

There is another story about a group of nuns who arrived at the Monastery to seek sanctuary. Well, Manfred led his team to torturing them. One got burned at the stake. No reason, just for fun. Appeasement of gods and the like. Manfred’s new god liked it when women got hurt. Really got his rocks off.

One would think this would be enough for Manfred, but there was “one final act of submission” remaining. Manfred discovered plague bumps on his body shortly after the stake-burning. “Fear of the most monstrous of deaths drove Manfred to that final desperate act.” He sold his soul for some of that plague eliminator and, why not, an extra three hundred years of life on Earth.

While the outside world continued to decay and die, Manfred’s little kingdom was a thriving, insular land of sin and debauchery! And stuff on fire, don’t forget that. Well, all this bullshit was starting to really piss God off, so he broke the dams of the Dess River and flooded the Monastery. Boom, everyone dead. Fuck y’all.

Once in a while, Manfred’s spiderly soul creeps around the land… I dunno, looking for his glasses. The end.

Abbot closes the dusty book and tells Batman that these are all fairy tales, of course, and sorry for wasting a ton of his time. “I don’t believe in devils,” the Abbot says, “the real truth is far more horrible. The Kingdom of Hell is within us.”

Yeah, ok. Where is Lake Dess, please.

OK, well, you see that river right outside? Follow it and you’ll get to the lake. I don’t remember how far away it is, somewhere between 500 feet and 17,000 miles. Pack a snack.

“Like all stories, this one has not yet come to an end…” Abbot warns as Batman stomps off in what I can only assume is quite a huff. There’s more too, like an air of death and deceit and sin hovers over Lake Dess. “I myself am far from being a superstitious man – but some of the brothers here claim to have heard things. Seen things.”

Yeah yeah yeah, we all see and hear things all say, sir. Let’s get on with it. Goddamn.

“In her hand, she bears a lantern,” Abbot speaks of Ghost Nun, “ceaselessly searching for her tormentor. Her body, they say, is all aflame with unearthly fires.” Ah, so she’s hot! Say no more.

Again, only stories.

*wink*

Batman makes his way under the lake and into the decrepit old Monastery. He fumbles in the flooded corridors and rooms with a flashlight and sees a bright figure off in the distance! Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit… he gets closer and closer and… oh shit oh shit…

It’s only a mirror! Whew! For sure Batman thought it was a burning nun here to eat his bones! He finds a very ornate door with floral patterns carved into the wood. “Unlock the rose…” he thinks and he fumbles around the flower and pulls open the door. It’s a giant cathedral.

“Oh my God,” Batman gasps as he looks inside.

Final Thoughts

AHHHH!! Another cliffhanger? These Batman comics are eating up my insides with antsy suspense!

Oh wait, that’s just the plague. My bad.

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