All this fighting summons Thanos and he’s pissed. I think Thanos was just looking for a reason to show up. He caught up on all the new episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale and was looking for something to do anyway.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [August, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 4)”

Arrows can’t stop the Hulk! Look at him, they only make him angrier! And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry… well, actually, I like him when he’s angry. He gets shit done when he’s angry.

“Thanos, I am Thor, son of Odin, prince of Asgardia,” he announces to the newly-arrived villain, as if they haven’t crossed paths a trillion times before already. They must have, right?

He tells Thanos to back off. Earth is under his protection! It’s in this contract here, see? *accidentally flashes the first page of his erotic Inuyasha fan fiction* So take yourself and your Zodiac posse and find a butt in outer space that you can crawl back into.

HAR HAR HAR! Do you think the Mighty Thanos is afraid of little ants like Thor?? He will crush you like a little ant! He revs up his blue-energy-sphere fists.

Tony Stark is a trifle nervous; he reports a “cosmic-level breach situation” to the White House. The President of the United States of a America is like “whuzzat mean?” Well, sir, it means the most dangerous thing to happen on the planet is now happening on the planet. In your own backyard. Put down your yo-yo and come listen for a minute. Tony Stark is faxing us the info now. Just wait a minute… … … wait a minute… … … here it comes… … … … … uh

“I do not come here lightly, Odinson. Nor did I involve myself in your affairs,” Thanos claims, like it’s inconvenient for him to come down from his Cloud Castle of Rainbows and trounce Earth.

The President’s council asks Stark what he will need for them to do. It’s time to act fast! Like snapping fingers: that fast.

Tony Stark panics. Thanos is most certainly here for the Ultimate Nullifier whozits, and everyone needs to do everything they can to distract him from obtaining it. Stark, meanwhile, will raid the pantry for Ruffles and S’mores Pop Tarts. “Mr. President, this is the difference between our existence and our not existence,” Stark explains in layman’s terms that any president, even possibly the one between 2016-2020, would understand. But do not quote me on that whatsoever. “We are at DEFCON 1,000, sir”, he continues, displaying his lack of knowledge about how the DEFCON numbers go up when things are safer. Smartest man in the world my ass.

“I’m not here to rule you, that I promise,” Thanos speaks, “Yours is a world of the strongest of spirits, and yet– the weakest of minds.” Hey, I’ll show you weakest of minds! Listen to this: Neo-cubism! Isosceles triangles! And so forth.

In short, this little pissant planet isn’t worth taking over anyway. So shove it, MC Hammer, and let Thanos raze the place to the ground and start anew.

“And with that threat, you leave me no choice but to–” Thor swings the hammer like he’s a four-year-old barely hitting a baseball off of a tee. Hulk grabs Thor’s arm and Thanos smiles. “Weakest of minds…”

“Hulk not in control,” Hulk grimaces before he smashes the fuck out of Thor’s face with his own hammer.

Captain America isn’t having it anymore! He flings his shield, which is the only thing he knows how to do in this world. Nothing happens. “Murder them for me,” Thanos instructs Hulk.

Great, so now they all have to start blasting Hulk before he crushes them all into car-like cube-like car cubes. Hawkeye even shoots him in the mouth with an exploding arrow! FABOOM! Now his stupid green head is on fire. This is hilarious stuff.

While Avengers are fighting one of their own, Thanos turns to his own and kindly informs them that there’s still a deal that needs to be wrapped up. Get the Ultimate Nullifier before he really loses his cool.

“I like this guy,” Gemini says before turning back into his two-guy Gemini thing. The rest of the Zodiac follow suit.

Meanwhile, Black Widow is flying in Nick Fury’s abandoned hover car with a few of the helicarrier’s officers. The President gives Acting Commander Maria Hill full dispensation to immediately fly over the Atlantic Ocean and blow her craft to kingdom come. So, after a quick, hearty steak and eggs breakfast and trip to the Redbox outside of Walgreens, she tells her entire crew to abandon the ship.

That will prove difficult, ma’am. There’s a Hulk-like creature on the ship. Possibly the Hulk.

The rest of the Avengers continue to do beat-’em-ups on their green friend even though an exploding arrow in the mouth sounds damn near impossible to be able to, uh, stay alive afterward.

“Ms. Romanova,” Thanos addresses Black Widow, who seems to have more spellings of her surname than Muammar Gaddafi, “You have something that belongs to me, dear. Zodiac, take it back.” Heheh, that rhymes.

Black Widow doesn’t like that idea, so she shoots a big gun all willy-nilly. Evacuation from the ship continues. 20 seconds until kablooie.

“Mission accomplished, sir,” Maria Hill announces, crying before pushing the button.
“Earthers,” Thanos addresses his subservients, “You play a game that you don’t even know the–”

KABLOOIE! Right on schedule.

Then darkness.

Then a hail of fiery shrapnel hitting the beach where Captain America and Iron Man are panting and gasping and flopping and writhing. The White House Situation Room tries to radio the Avengers, but the transmission is riddled with static and the president is riddled with syphilis. “This is Tony Stark. I hear you, Mr. President,” he answers, always the kiss-ass. Smooch smooch. Stark advises MISTER PRESIDENT to secure the shore with the army and coast guard. Meanwhile, did someone say something about steak and eggs?

The President wants to know if the Nullifier is in good hands. And it’s sort of like, I ‘unno. The Avengers are still trying to keep the Hulk at bay. Thor launches back at His Hulkiness with his hulky hammer, but Iron Man stops him in his tracks. He speaks to the god as if he were a child. “Thor, stop, he was being controlled. Stop, it was Thanos.”

Thor doesn’t like that shit, but he relents nonetheless. Hulk will get his comeuppance soon enough. Perhaps an unscrewed salt shaker while he prepares to eat his steak and eggs.

“EVERYONE HATES HULK, EVEN WHEN I TRY TO HELP!” he bellows. lol, you got that right.

Captain America needs everyone to clear out! They’re still not safe! There could be another boom any second and–

BOOM! Whoops.

Scene change! Is it a flashback? A flashforward? A flashsideways? Easy there, Jack Shephard. We’re in an interrogation room. A bald man sits somberly in his interrogation chair. Interrogation light bulbs hang over his head.

“Mr. King, can you hear me? We know you are now, John King. We know you used to help run the Hood’s operation. We know who all of you Zodiac are… or what’s left of you… so start talking.”

Captain America is doing the interrogating. He’s making a face that suggests he’s currently trying to push out a large turd. BUT HE WANTS ANSWERS! WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW FROM WHENCE AND WHICH. All of you Zodiac types seem well-connected to various MARVEL UNIVERSE evil-doers! How did this happen? Who what where when you get the picture.

Also where is Thanos? Where is Thanos? WHERE IS THANOS? Where’s Thanos? That’s all I wanna know. Huh, String? String? Where the fuck is Thanos? Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Where the fuck is Thanos? Huh, Stringer?

“There’s someone at the door,” John King says meekly. He’s wearing the symbol of Cancer, the sixty-nining.

It’s Iron Man. “He’s not going to talk to you,” he tells his dimwit friend. “According to his rap sheet, that squirrel of a man has been to prison six times.”

Well ain’t that a humdinger! Let’s make it seven! Tell him to bring his punch card, three more and he gets to execute a guard of his choice. Anyway, he’s not going to squeal on nobody. Cut him loose.

“I’ll talk to him,” suggests Hawkeye. He’s got that mischievous charm!
“No, Hawkeye, this is my area of expertise,” suggests Black Widow, the one with the real persuasive advantage (boobs). And she wishes to be alone (sex).

She closes the door and says hello to King. She pulls out of a bag some rope, a hammer, a knife, a butane torch, a garden claw, and some pliers. “Where is Thanos?”

Oh me oh my! Captain America would like this one bit! How about a little titty instead? That seems more harmless, albeit just as sinful…

Outside the room, Thor reports that Maria Hill is ok, and so are all the S.H.I.E.L.D. officers, but no sign of Thanos. Did everyone check all the steak and eggs breakfast diners? No? Well shit. Iron Man locks down his precious, precious Avengers Tower until this whole thing is settled. However, they can’t rule out that Thanos might scale the building like King Kong.

Black Widow returns quickly. The blubbering Cancer Man reports that this voice came him and told him to assemble a fucked up Zodiac team. Maybe he’ll finally make something of himself this way! Unlikely, BUT it’s a chance to prove that he might not be the lost cause everyone thinks he is, especially his own mother!

All he had to do, along with the other eleven, was collect a bunch of stuff. Like a scavenger hunt! Except they were told exactly where to find everything, so it was easy-peasy. And if they did everything this guy said, and gave him all the inane little trinkets that he asked for, they get to keep their Zodiac powers! Some real god-like stuff. Powerful enough to cut the Earth in two like a hot knife through so much Earth-shaped butter.

Sounds hopeless. 12 individuals more powerful than THOR? THOR HIMSELF? Thor works out, man! He eats a lot of protein! That’s messed up.

Something doesn’t add up, though. Doesn’t add up at all. 5 + 4 = 10?? Bullshit! Something’s missing! “A creature of Thanos’ power…” Thor considers, “Why does he need a cadre of mortal puppets?”

“Exactly,” Captain America agrees, a dim light bulb clicking inside his mushy head, “Why not do whatever he needs to do himself, and quickly?”

Black Widow confirms that at least the Nullifier is safe. For now. But what are they gonna do? DO THEY NEED TO ASSEMBLE MORE AVENGERS??? Aren’t they busy beating up gold-colored gods who are terraforming Mars. There are about 38 members already covering that one. Sounds to me like they’re shit out of luck…

Nope! A team arrives with knowledge of who Thanos is, what he wants, why he wants it, and how to stop him!

It’s the Guardians of the Galaxy! *trumpet fart*

Final Thoughts

Yuck. Chris Pratt and a raccoon and a tree? Go eat an entire turd. Nobody wants that business mucking up the story. I have standards, you know.

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