Mongul and Superman form a truce and Mongul helps Superman train for a real interstellar rumble for the ages!
Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen got a photo of Superman wearing a wedding ring, but he decides to Photoshop that shit out to not jeopardize whomever he might be married to. However, the newspaper ran a story about Superman’s wedding ring! Surprise!
And now for something completely different:
Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Millar / Stewart Immonen
“Something Borrowed, Something Blue”
Who the hell bought this comic in 2000 with that cover? Is that supposed to be Lois Lane, aka Mrs. Superman, aka someone with no powers whatsoever except the power to be a LOOSE CANNON in the newspaper office? Let’s find out immediately!
In an alley, a man wearing the ol’ hat and trench coat get-up, shrouded in the darkness, presents a vial to a group of slack-jawed teenage street toughs. “DMN, gentlemen. A cheap, street-level derivative of the demon drug you might have seen on the television news, pioneered by the monster maker and his cohorts in the evil factory.”
Sure, whatever you say. Demon drug. Television news. Monster maker. Evil factory. Just hand it over so they can crush it into barely-powdery lumps and lodge it up their nasal cavities.
Not so fast, children! This shit won’t get you high or feel good or none of that. It does nothing but turn you into a MONSTER! Boo! And forget everything you know about it. Don’t even buy it, you don’t even want to be around this stuff. He shouldn’t have told you anything about it in the first place. It should go in the trash where it belongs! $50 please.
A pimple face hands the man a rolled up wad of green paper with old syphilis-riddled statesmen on them. “Will this cover it?” the kid squeaks. “You’re a twisted, nasty little child who deserves to die in a cold, lonely place my friend…” the man hisses with his seductively slithery voice, “…and I feel confident we’ll meet again soon.”
This is getting a little too kinky for me. What’s Superman up to right now?
“FEEL THE POWER OF GABRIEL VAN DANIKEN, SUPERMAN!” yells a guy in a metal suit with a terribly unpowerful name. Sigh. Superman’s beating up another nerd again. That’s too kinky, too. Is there no end to it?
Ha! I turn the page and Superman makes fun of his name too. See, he and I are like this! *twists fingers together and shoves them up my butt*
Van Daniken is like, pffft, I’m 35-years-old. Aliases are for children. Aren’t his attempts to poison the town’s water supply enough as it is for you??
“Dude’s got a point,” pipes in smiling, goateed lookie-loo, “I mean, Bonnie and Clyde never had code names and it never stopped them from being criminals.” A SALIENT POINT, sir. Thanks for your input. It’s very respectable for supervillains to go by their god-given names. It shows bravery! It worked for Melvin Van Peebles and it works for this other guy with “Van” in his name.
Superman doesn’t like these gawkers. Better finish this quickly. He punches Milhouse Van Houten and launches him into a tanker truck full of water. It has Woody Woodpecker on it. “Holy geez! Superman just killed the guy!” yells one of America’s finest
Ugh. Just actually kill a guy once in a while, you pussy.
“Stunts like that must make the little woman proud, huh?” says one of the dudes. They all badger Superman for information about the revelation that he’s a married man. Is it Courteney Cox? High five, bro!
Oh snap, look out! Eddie Van Halen emerges from the tank o’ liquid nitrogen and is ready to settle the score! Ha, relax everyone, this guy is frozen! Liquid nitrogen is -321 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit, my friends. He’s barely even going to be able to get an erection, and furthermore–
CHAKOOM!
It looks like an unknown speedy entity, faster than a speeding whatever, grabbed Van Buren and carried him straight up into the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a helicopter! It’s a Pluto! It’s a lightbulb! It’s a sandwich! It’s a bullhorn! It’s a candle! It’s a blimp! It’s a blump! It’s a bloop!
No! It’s…
A lady dressed like Superman!
(spoiler alert I hope you didn’t already see the cover art ha ha)
Got that gorgeous Steve Harrington from Stranger Things head of hair.
Uh oh! This isn’t going to end well!
The rubbernecking losers on the street lose their collective shit. Proof positive that Superman is married! Exactly seven seconds after Superman was asked about his marriage! EXCELLENT TIMING! Everyone is satisfied!
Superman flies up to this mysterious flying woman and asks, just exactly please, what her goddamn deal is. Turns out, against all foreseeable odds, she’s an obsessed looney who probably wants to find his real wife and stab her in the face 400 times like a Slender Man appeasement ritual. “Who is she, Superman? Is it Big Barda? Tell me it isn’t one of those anorexic little Teen Titans–” she drills.
Apparently this obsessed woman is literally named Obsession. “Listen to me, Obsession,” Superman says panickedly, “This whole marriage thing has been a terrible misunderstanding.”
“LIAR!” she screams, throwing him down on the rooftop of a nearby highrise.
Where’s this Van Helsing guy at?
Ok, well that was exciting. We go now to the Daily Planet where a riveting conversation is in progress between Lois Lane and a young, blonde, pregnant woman named Lucy. It fails the Bechdel test so fast that it’ll make your head spin.
“That wedding ring finger of yours looks suspiciously bare, Lucy,” says Lois. What a horrible sentence to say to literally anybody. Unwed pregnancy shaming over here. “Jimmy’s the only eligible bachelor in here, but he’s never going to love anyone the way he loves his new digital camera.”
Wow. Get up off her nuts, dude.
Lucy has a boyfriend named Ron, and it sounds like Ron’s getting kicked to the curb soon. Cool to know that Jimmy Olsen fornicates with his camera, I guess. It sounds like Lois and Lucy are sisters. I didn’t know Lois Lane even had a family. I figured she was produced in a laboratory test tube.
Lucy’s like “shove off, sister, I don’t your nagging. You sound like mom, and she sucks! And you sound like dad too! He also sucks!”
Lois wonders if Lucy’s afraid to tell the folks that her baby might be black. Awkward! That’s not one you want to talk about with grandma at Thanksgiving. Did you know she was involved in the January 6th insurrection? It’s true! She made cookies for everyone.
Anyway, blah blah blah. Family racism, bastard children, Jimmy Olsen camera-fuckin’. This is dull. I also can’t fathom why Lucy and Lois would want to work together at the same company, in the same building. Sounds horrible.
Ron shows up to the cubicle now after spending seventeen hours in the bathroom. “Hey baby,” he coos at Lucy, “how’s the next generation of troupes brewing in that big belly of yours?”
Gross.
Perry White is busy berating an accountant, which I’m starting to pick up on as his primary method of interacting with his employees! HOWEVER, he gives Ron a big ol “Ron m’boy” and asks him to step into his office for some “privacy”. Hubba hubba.
Long story short, Perry’s been busy as a beaver in Beaverton, Oregon (the Beaver State). The Daily Planet’s back up and running, and the internet’s getting popular! Things need to change if they’re going to keep running in the near and far future! Perry needs his best people! So, Ron…if you see anyone good, let him know. Thanks, pal.
Ha. THAT would’ve been a better direction. Instead, he sucks Ron’s dick in the “privacy” of his office and asks him to rejoin the reporting team. It sounds like Ron was the one who broke open the Death of Superman story. It also sounds like Ron doesn’t want to do it! Oh man, if only Perry asked him a few months ago! But it’s too late now, Ron has…cancer. Yes, that’ll do. He has cancer, sir.
But I tell ya, I sure did love those good old dishonest days. Lex and I did some real dishonest mischief in our time, I’ll tell you that for free.
Perry pretty much begs the guy to take the offer, tells him he’ll dump a load of money on him. He knows Ron’s gonna be a father soon! He’ll start a college fund! He’ll rob a bank! Whatever it takes! I’m desperate for someone who knows how to pound out words on a computer better than that dummy Clark Kent.
Nope! Ron’s doing jerkoffery mission work right now. It probably involves traveling to uncharted islands and trying to teach primitive tribes the word of Jesus before he gets speared in the throat by feral tribal children. Way more fulfilling.
Pfft, Perry has a retort for that. Giving people the honest, unbiased news helps millions. How many people is your shitty missionary helping, Ron? Three? Go fuck yourself.
Lois interrupts this touching moment of “privacy” to let them know that Superman’s currently in a fight. It’s all over the TV. Here’s the kicker! He’s fighting a woman!
No one asked you, Archie.
The office scrambles out to the scene. Jimmy has his trusty 900-pound camera with him.
I don’t know exactly what Superman plans to do about all this. He can’t just beat her up and throw her into a liquid nitrogen truck! “This nonsense has gone on long enough, lady. I think you’d better come with me,” Superman says, grabbing Obsession’s wrists from behind in a manner that looks like he’s kind of humping her butt a little bit.
“Oh Superman,” she says, flipping him over and into the side of an apartment building, “it gives me goosebumps when you get all masterful!”
Pretty dumb stuff, ain’t it! At least the art is fun.
While Obsession continues her aggressive flirting, a team of four bad guys BURSTS through the window of a convenience store! Three of them look like colorful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains. The fourth one looks like a werewolf who has almost turned back into his human form. “Aw, man! What a ripoff!” he cries, “That demon drug hardly lasted ten minutes!”
Well, if it meant you could break into a 7-Eleven and steal the slurpees, mission accomplished. Can’t do that as normal human beings at all.
Jimmy Olsen, who knew Superman was fighting Mrs. Superman, can’t tell who Superman is fighting on the scene when he looks up into the sky. Lois Lane has to tell him it’s Mrs. Superman.
Lois facepalms, and exasperated tells her ginger companion to get closer. We don’t want to miss a great shot, do we? Sigh. Mumble.
Too many things to take photos of at once! Rainbow-colored demons wearing denim! A woman with enormous titties flying around lookin’ like Superman! Another day in Metropolis, right? Do these people even know that fascists are trying to take over America? Don’t they know the midterms are coming up?
Jimmy thinks that these cool, dope, phat new photos will get him back in Perry White’s good graces after he photoshopped out Superman’s wedding ring for the front page! Uh huh, you’re lucky he didn’t club you across the head with his 5 iron (aka penis).
No! They might destroy the place and kill everyone and I’ll have to write for a newspaper!
Ron starts panicking once he notices that the three buffoons are cavorting and dancing their way in the direction of his mission home. There are only four cardinal directions, Ron. Chances were one in four. There are a lot of other places and buildings due east.
“What’s the matter with you,” Superman yells and grimaces at his female counterpart, “People are getting hurt down there! I can hear bones breaking!”
Melodramatic much? Sounds like someone is crunching a bag of Bugles to me. Or is your “super hearing” just a big fat lie?
And Mrs. Superman over here, she’s like IT’S SUCH A MAN THING to complain about breaking bones instead of breaking hearts! “I may not be a great conversationalist, and I know I’m a little intense sometimes, but I’d cut my throat to see you smile, Superman.”
Now tell her where she can find his wife so she can murder her and dump her body down a well.
Instead of being like “get away from me forever, you lunatic”, Superman patiently reasons with her while she shocks him with electricity hands. “There are people down there who need me, and if you had an ounce of love in your heart, you’d help me to save them,” he whines and moans. This makes her stop and make a real Tucker Carlson “buhhh” face before agree that it’s a good idea after all.
So they JOIN FORCES to take out whatever the fuck is breaking bones down at street level. Maybe these radical Ninja Turtles dudes are snacking on some children at the mission home? They’d be better off!
And by the time Lois and Jimmy show up to the scene, the two Superduds are already gone. Ron, though, Ron is at the mission home trying to confront the monster brigade with underwear filled with diarrhea. “Get outta here, man, or else I’m gonna…!” he trails off, out of his dang element.
Dude, get out of here before you get snorted.
“We know there’s a pharmacy in here somewhere, homeboy. You show us where the drugs are or we’re gonna snort YOU,” the blue one threatens. Good thing Superman and Super-Not-a-Man show up at that moment to neutralize the threat, although I kind of wanted to see Ron get snorted.
The orange one warns Superman that he’ll report the caped crusader to the Justice League if he so much as lays an unprovoked finger on one of them. Superman finds these fools familiar, but he can’t really place them. Were these that kids that he sold the demon drug to at the beginning of the issue?? A twist!
The yellow one spills the beans about the demon drug while Mrs. Superlady wrings his neck like a soaked sponge. Well, shit, Superman knows all about the demon drug (having sold it to them! Heh heh heh) and knows that they’ll all come down hard. He wants to round them all up before they freak out too much and starting hurting themselves, and Mrs. SuperDuperWoman can handle that business! No problemo, senorita sir!
“Remember, I’ve dealt with the consequences of this drug before,” Superman warns her, “and the user just gets stronger and wilder as they near the end of their high.” Neat! I bet Joe Rogan would be all over that.
Ron’s lifting a chair over his head. He’s serious, man. This is real mahogany, and he will hit you over the head with it by god. Too bad he doesn’t even get a chance; SuperMomHair zaps Mr. Blue Monster with her electricity and he’s probably dead! Superman doesn’t take too kindly to that, but sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. And speaking of eggs, Superman, but you have some fertilizin’ to do if Obsession has her way. *eyebrows*
He’s not dead, it’s ok. Superman’s got his back to Ol’ Bluey, who gets up and brandishes a handful of sharp claws. At least five of them, by my count! “SUPERMAN! GET BACK!” Obsession screams while pushing him out of the way. It’s hard to tell what happens next, exactly, but I suppose Obsession is like a transformer and Mr. Blue is like when you hit a transformer with an axe 50 times. Obsession goes bzzzt.
How very altruistic! She must really love him! Give momma some sugar now. Pucker up, bitch.
No kidding. This issue is longer than my dick (two inches).
This issue is dragging on. I’m gonna wrap this shit up quick at this point: Superman apprehends the teenage mutant ninja monsters. The press shows up and asks where the fuck Mrs. Superman went. Superman doesn’t kiss and tell, kiddos; he flies away. Jimmy Olsen gets a little too excited about photography and feels sorry for Clark; he missed all the action! Lois looks sad. Lucy and Ron hug it out because Ron’s all kinds of not dead. “All my body parts are in the right places,” he tells her, smooth as butter. But the mission house is destroyed, I guess he’ll have to write for a newspaper now. Obsession died.
An unknown figure looms over the corpses of Mr. Blue and Mrs. Something-Borrowed-Something-Blue. “DELICIOUS,” it says, deliciously, “Nothing tastes sweeter than a POINTLESS death…and these two were only the appetizer.”
Final Thoughts
Jumping Jesus these Y2K-era comics are long. New 52’s got the right idea, there are about four words per page and stories are over like this!: *snaps fingers* *breaks bones*
Looks like the only loose thread between these stories right now is WHO IS SUPERMAN MARRIED TO?? It’s Lois Lane, you numbskulls! What a bunch of pea-brains.
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