Greetings my little friends!
Another year is has come & gone!
Here are my 2019 predictions!
The craze for Vinyl records will reach a new height as people far and wide begin purchasing vinyl albums with abandon. This will lead to folks wearing vinyl suits, driving vinyl cars and wearing vinyl socks. McDonald’s will introduce the Vinyl Burger made of fake meat and served on two thin shards of vinyl! A Sixties-like catch phrase of “Plastic is is a groovy thing!” will become popular as those in the know find different ways to integrate plastic into their lives. Oprah Winfrey will release a cover version of Jefferson Airplane's "Plastic Fantastic Lover" that will feature chanting by Tibetan monks and an all-star kazoo orchestra!
A new dance craze called Jabberwocky will become popular all over the whole wide world! This unique dance requires one to wear a paper bag on their head as they pole vault over their dancing partner and recite this line from Lewis Carroll's famous Jabberwocky poem: “Beware the Jabberwock...One, two! One, two! And through and through!" While this heady dance craze will only last for six month's time, it will remain quite popular in Argentina where it will become that country's national dance.
After falling off of the wagon, Keith Richards will try to salvage his reputation by producing a new album by Shane McGowan. It's best to leave it at that.
Several Celebrity Chefs, unaware that the hip hop music craze has faded in popularity, will form a hip hop band and attempt to tour the United States and Canada. Featuring the unlikely musical talents of Bobby Fly (kazoo), Mario Batali (cheese grater & tambourine), Alton Brown (turntable) and Top Chef star Tom Colicchio (lead rapper aka "Big Bald Mutha"), the group will be pelted by heads of bok choy and romaine lettuce during their first concert in Seattle, Washington. Recently impeached president Donald Trump, who's company sponsored the tour, will try to fire the entire audience during the band's second gig at Yoda's Pizza Emporium in Hamchuck, Idaho.
Lady Gaga will appear on Broadway in a revival of the classic musical, A Chorus Line. Gaga's insistence on presenting the musical as a one woman show will cause to production to close after only 2 performances. The talented chanteuse will scramble to maintain her career by hosting a new television game show called How To Act Like A Genius On 10 Cents A Day.
Vince McMahon, the renowned WWF promoter, will join forces with several Aging Rock Stars to present a unique program of wrestling bouts at Madison Square Garden in New York city. In an effort to offer the public something new and different, McMahon will present these aging rock stars wrestling classic music equipment.! Some of the highlights will include a blind folded Neil Young taking on a stack of Marshall amps that have been set on fire, Iggy Pop will appear in a steel cage match to do battle with several microphone stands and 8 frozen turkeys and Ozzy Osborne will go 10 rounds with members of a satanic cult who will be brandishing several Les Paul guitars that have been made into chainsaws. Axl Rose, the wayward star of Guns n' Roses, originally scheduled to participate in this exciting event, will decline to appear when he is told that he cannot wrestle himself!
Chef Gordon Ramsay will be arrested for stabbing one of the hapless contestants during an episode of his hit show, Kitchen Nightmares. Although Ramsay will be acquitted in the sensational trial that follows, his career as a celebrity chef will be over. Strangely enough, Ramsay will return to fame within a year of this bizarre incident as a much-in-demand corporate motivational speaker and will go on to release a popular self-help podcast titled You Stupid Donkey! which will feature such riveting episodes as "Your Brain is a rotten piece of Jello--get out!", "If You Give Me All Your Money, I Won't Kill You!" and "Your Bloody Pants Are On Fire! It Serves You Right!"
Rap star Kanye West will go before the body of the United Nations in New York and claim that he invented ice cream. Donald Trump will challenge Kanye's assertion by tweeting that he was the person who invented ice cream first. A public feud between the two will lead to Trump attempting to start a nationwide "Kanye's Fake Ice Cream" movement.
Jann Wenner, head honcho at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, will insist that Anson Williams (former teen idol & cast member of Happy Days) be inducted in to the Hall in 2019. Upon hearing this news, hordes of rabid rock & roll fans will descend on the Hall with torches in hand! Jann Wenner will go into hiding for several weeks until he agrees to induct Tiny Tim instead.
John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten, former lead singer of ye olde Sex Pistols, will attempt one last publicity stunt by jumping off the London Bridge into a barrel of beer. Things will go awry as Rotten fails to land in the barrel of beer and instead lands on a barge carrying 2 tons of horse dung. This incident will lead to Rotten becoming a laughingstock in every pub in the UK and he will move to Alaska and become a smelly recluse.