Many of us are raised to believe that marriage always leads to a Happily Ever After—after all, it’s something that countless movies, shows, and books have promised us. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Marriages can and do fall apart due to a wide range of reasons. And some people simply realize that the Relationship they’ve built with their spouse is not healthy.

Redditor u/tippytoes1216 started a very open and honest discussion about long-term relationships and red flags when they asked internet users about when they finally realized that they probably Married the wrong person. Read on to hear what other redditors had to say—it’s eye-opening to learn what to avoid in relationships.

The author of the thread, u/tippytoes1216, was kind enough to share their thoughts about relationships with Bored Panda. "I hope some of the replies have reached people who are struggling and know they are not alone. You are strong and worth the love," they told us. Read on for our full interview with them. 

Meanwhile, Bored Panda also got in touch with the team at Relate, the largest provider of relationship support in England and Wales which helps millions of people strengthen their relationships every year. Scroll down for the insights that Relate Counselor Barbara Honey shared with us.

#1

Not married but together for years. Got diagnosed with cancer and she kinda shut off. She then Decided to leave several months later.

At an appointment I was officially 1yr clear, which is a milestone, I realised I was alone through a lot of it. She never wanted anything to do with it. Was a revelation to myself that the relationship break down wasn't all because of me.

Got my 3 yr tests this weekend, blood tests and scans etc. Current GF is driving me and then taking me out to lunch afterwards. Hell of an Upgrade

Image credits: HarrargnNarg

#2

We were in the bathroom getting showered and dressed for a friend’s wedding. I was in the best shape of my life at the time, feeling good about myself, and I thought I looked good in that suit.

She was finishing her makeup and I remarked at how beautiful she looked. I waited for her to say something nice in reply but she didn’t. And it just hit me. I couldn’t remember a single time that she complimented me on my appearance.

So I said that to her. I said “You know, I always tell you how beautiful you are, and how attracted to you I am, but I never recall you ever saying that I look good or that I look handsome.” She stopped applying her mascara long enough to dismissively roll her eyes at me.

So I made the mistake of asking her, “Do you even find me attractive?”

And she flatly said “No.”

I asked, “Why did you marry me then?”

And she said “I didn’t think it was important at the time.”

I never felt so ugly and unloved. And it hurt even more when I had been feeling so good about myself for once in my life 30 seconds earlier.

Image credits: Seandouglasmcardle

#3

When I lost twins and he dropped me off at the hospital to get an operation to have my babies removed. He dropped me off at the hospital bleeding and went for a party with his friends...

Image credits: 5ftGrinch

"I came up with the question because I feel this doesn’t get asked enough. All I ever hear from people are how they knew they were with the right person," the redditor behind the intriguing and honest discussion shared with Bored Panda.

"You could be with someone you want to be with forever and see a future, but that can change and we need to be okay with letting it go. Sometimes the good doesn’t outweigh the bad," u/tippytoes1216 said.

The OP believes that the reason why their thread resonated with so many people is that the question was a taboo one. "I mean, I’ve never asked anyone in my personal life this question, unless the relationship was already over. Seeing the comments in this thread shows that even though some people knew they’re with the wrong person, they are willing to stay in it," they said that everyone should be able to talk about failing relationships without feeling judged, and given support by others.

#4

I realized like 5 years into our 19-year marriage... but the nail that made me leave was when my ex said that our children hadn't EARNED his love, and that shook my whole foundation. Literally speechless for 2 days and then I started thinking, wondering if I had EARNED his love yet..and I couldn't stop those kind of thoughts...you don't earn love..it is freely given; especially to children...

Image credits: Far-Phone8791

#5

One day I realized I had become a smaller version of myself.

Image credits: mlerin

#6

Engaged not quite married yet.

When I had been on mandatory bedrest and caring for our infant son, after having emergency surgery for nearly bleeding to death after a miscarriage, and he came home from work and looked me dead in the face and said "why aren't the f*****g dishes done?"

Called my mom the next morning and told her I was leaving. Hightailed it out of there 2 weeks later.

We were curious to redditor u/tippytoes1216's opinion on how someone can tell if their partner might not make a good spouse in the future. According to them, one sign is "if the little things they do bother you," such as "leaving dishes in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher or leaving their clothes right next to the basket."

They noted: "These little things add up and can turn into resentment later on in the relationship. Don’t avoid the little things, because they matter as much as the big things."

The OP was very grateful to everyone who participated in the discussion they started. "I honestly did not think this question would blow up like it did. I’m thankful and sending positive vibes to all the people who have shared their stories with the Reddit community," they said. "And I hope some of the replies have reached people who are struggling and know they are not alone. You are strong and worth the love."

#7

I'm type 1 diabetic. She wouldn't let me spend £100 on a continuous glucose monitor whilst simultaneously buying stupid s**t like moleskine notebooks.

She also told me that if I went blind she'd divorce me

Image credits: IronSkywalker

#8

When he didn’t mention me in his speech at our wedding.

He thanked everyone else, commented on the bridesmaids, talked about our daughters. I may as well not have even been there.

First night of our honeymoon I got horrendously sick, and he left me alone in our room to go watch something on the big screen on the beach. So much for sickness and health!

Image credits: LBelle0101

#9

I realized that I was hiding good news from her because I knew she would make me feel bad about it. I hoped she was going to grow up and stop being selfish and childish. She never did.

Image credits: Dash_Harber

Bored Panda wanted to figure out how someone can tell if their partner is 'the right person' to marry. Barbara Honey, a Counselor with Relate, shed some light on this. "If you're convinced you've fallen in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then you will have picked up many, many clues that you have a ‘fit’ with them that'll work," she said.

"There's a theory that this 'fit' comes from having a shared cultural background, the same values, beliefs, and sense of humor, and that there's just something about them that feels familiar—like having similar ways of showing love that your family does. But many people who don't share these things still have long and fulfilling relationships," she noted.

#10

When I realized if we weren’t dating I wouldn’t have wanted to be his friend

Image credits: dawn855

#11

When Covid hit. Lockdown was announced and he said he said he had to go look after his "real family", i.e. his mother, a healthy and capable 50yo who treated him like a child.

I had those words ringing in my ears for months. Real family. How TF was I not his real family? But I slowly realised that the big old handbrake was off and now I'm out here living my best life.

Image credits: eivelyn

#12

6 months after our wedding when I found out about the emotional (he says only emotional but I’m pretty sure it was physical too) affair through text messages.


He had sent his affair partner screenshots of my texts to him in which I was begging him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong. They both proceeded to make fun of my desperation to fix my marriage and his affair partner said something along the lines of “poor valiant, she doesn’t know anything and keeps begging you for attention and affection”.


The moment i read those words I realised how big of mistake I had made.

Image credits: Valiantlycaustic

We also turned to the team at Relate with a question on figuring out if a relationship is deeply dysfunctional or if the couple is simply going through a rough patch.

"Think about whether the change in how you feel about your partner is coming from internal or external factors. If you're going through a big life change, like you've just had a baby or you're going through work and money worries, that's an indicator that the changes are external and it's a rough patch," Honey, from Relate, told Bored Panda. "Making time to check out how your partner is feeling may be the start of feeling less alone and vulnerable and could form to the basis of working things through together."

However, this doesn't apply to all relationships. At times, internal factors can change how you feel about your partner. "If that feeling is internal, like you feel your interests are different and that's stopped you from loving your partner, then that's a sign that it might be time to end the relationship," the Relate Counselor said.

"But relationships are complex things. Talking through your feelings with someone who can help you make as much sense of them as possible may open up opportunities for change, whether that’s working things through together or leaving the relationship."

#13

It was a death of a thousand cuts. One of the first was when I realized she didn't trust me. We had been together around 10 years at this point. But I had a moment of clarity and literally said to her "you don't trust me do you?" Before she could answer I said "you don't trust anybody." And she agreed.

She would routinely throw the kids out of the tub and the bathroom completely naked because they splashed her while getting a bath. And not just that, she would yell at the top of her lungs at how bad they were. The kids were around 2-4 at the time. God forbid the toddler splashes the water in the tub.

Another time I don't even remember the cause but I tried to play mediator. As in "ok daughter you did something wrong, let's apologize to mommy". And she would. Then I'd ask mommy to apologize to our daughter for what for her role and mom absolutely refused to apologize. Ive known this lady more than 20 years and ive never heard her apologize. Literally never.

The final straw was when one of our kids wanted a hug goodnight before bedtime. She locked herself in our bedroom and refused the hug because she had hugged them earlier in the day. Kids were crying. They didn't understand. I was devastated watching this unfold. Why doesn't mom want to hug me?

I try my best to not let it impact me. But we share custody now and I have to watch how she interacts with out kids. Its hard. The best consolidation is the kids are getting older and they're starting to figure it out.

Image credits: overarmur

#14

Day after the wedding.
She didn’t have to hide anymore, I was stuck. So the lovebombing girl I had happily married turned from nice to pure abusive narcissistic sociopath just like taking her mask off.. Since we had a daughter I tried for 2 years to survive the abuse in an effort to try and fix things, get help.. Funny thing is, narcissists are never wrong, so everything was naturally 100% my fault in all aspects.

By the end, I was so broken down I didn’t have the power anymore to break free. You accidentally made a mistake, you got hell. You did something good, you got hell. Ends up with you doing apathically nothing, since that way it takes them a while to accumulate enough on you to abuse you for.. I just accepted that I was indeed worthless and patethic in every and all aspects in life.

Then she made a mistake. She started using my daughter as a weapon in the abuse, scaring the living s**t out of her in the process.

I couldn’t save myself, there wasn’t even a shadow left of the ghost of the man I used to be..

But I could save her, with powers I have no idea where they came from. So here I am, 11 years later with custody of my happy daughter who no longer wakes up screaming in the night “No mommy! No!”

Pro life tip, don’t get an ex wife. Those things are absolutely horrible.

#15

I came home from a long day of work to find burn marks all over the carpet and linoleum. My then husband had spent the entire day playing games on his PC. While doing so, he had been ignoring our puppy who had managed to somehow get ahold of a phone battery, bite through it, and cause a small fire. Thankfully, the dog wasn't injured. This event, on top of finding out shortly before he had been lying about going to community college for almost a year was the turning point where my feelings died.

Image credits: ttthelovewitchhh

The more time you spend with your partner, the more chances you have to see what they’re really like in terms of their values, character, and how they treat others around them. Ideally, you probably want to marry someone with similar values, who respects you as much as you do them, and who values transparency over secrecy.

Some other positives include being able to control one’s temper, being an active listener, and looking for compromises instead of trying to ‘be right’ in arguments.

According to Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D., the top issues that married couples have include money problems, childcare issues, daily stress, busy schedules, poor communication, and harmful behavior.

She notes on Verywell Mind that for nearly a third of Americans, money worries are a direct source of conflict in their marriage. It’s essential to get on the same page regarding finances, from spending vs. saving habits to work and investment philosophies, before the marriage. You definitely don’t want to be blindsided when it comes to financial stability.

#16

It was actually almost immediately after getting married. Our relationship had taken a nose dive as soon as we moved in together. But after we got married, while we were in Greece on our honeymoon, he absolutely lost his mind on me in public. I had wanted to go see a beach on the island that is supposed to be one of the most beautiful in the world, so we tried to catch the bus, but it never came. He screamed at me, telling me he hated traveling with me and how could I ruin his vacation like this. Then we walked to the beach nearby and he went swimming with his two friends who he insisted come with us on the trip. I was too stunned and humiliated to do anything except sit on a beach chair and cry.

Image credits: gridironbuffalo

#17

After the kid was born. Total shift.

Turns out only I wanted to be a parent.

Image credits: Cobra-Serpentress

#18

On the wedding day…. She spent a fortune on unnecessary things, and I knew I’d be the one fitting the bill on the credit card she ran up. So I told her no more, she said she wanted an ice cream vendor there (we already had two dessert bars) told her it was not needed. She fought me on it but finally agreed. Wedding day comes, I’m standing with my groomsmen, in comes the ice cream truck. Knew right then, sadly.

Another sensitive issue is sharing the housework and childcare load in a fair and balanced way. The fact of the matter is that even in extremely progressive societies and developed countries, women still tend to do the lion’s share of the chores, even if they work full-time jobs.

CNN recently reported on the Pew Research Center’s findings that even in egalitarian marriages where women earn the same as men, the latter have more free time. “Even as financial contributions have become more equal in marriages, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced,” the Center notes in its study. 

“Husbands in egalitarian marriages spend about 3.5 hours more per week on leisure activities than wives do. Wives in these marriages spend roughly 2 hours more per week on caregiving than husbands do and about 2.5 hours more on housework.”

#19

When I came home from the ER after being diagnosed with a severe lung disorder, and she immediately left me with the kids so she could go out drinking with friends. Her exact words were "I need you to make them dinner, I'm running late to meet up with everyone"

Image credits: No_Nectarine6007

#20

Together 15 years, married 13. She said one day, to hurt me, “I don’t find you physically, mentally or sexually attractive”. I recoiled. This was about 4 months ago, we’re still together but I just can’t get over it

Image credits: LankySquash4

#21

When he was messaging a side chick on our wedding day and boy did it go sideways from there

Image credits: Hora_Moan

#22

When I got her to admit she was having an affair.

10 years married, 2 kids. What a mess. She followed it up a month or two later telling me she never loved a person like she does with new partner.

So welcome to divorce land. Population, me.

Image credits: RalphFTW

#23

When she f****d a high-school flame for a year whilst hiding it and staying home on my single income. We weren’t working. I knew that. I was trying to improve things, and we’d talked about it, but she somehow neglected to give me that detail. I’m not angry that she didn’t love me. But f**k, just tell me. Don’t do me dirty like that after thirteen years.

#24

I waited on her hand and foot. Every night, brought her a tea. Checked every room to make sure there were no intruders, went to the store for her if she wanted a snack, etc.

One day I was really sick with the flu and asked if she'd get me a Gatorade from the store. She was shocked that I asked and said, "absolutely not." Then I thought about it and realized that she had never complimented me, supported me, nurtured me, consoled me or showed any level of emotional care for me. I knew at that moment that she never would. All she did was complain that I didn't do enough for her. It took me a while but I realized I was in an abusive relationship. The worst part is I tried to make it work, still, after all that and it was her that pushed me away because she wanted to move to Portland but it was also because I didn't make enough money at the time.

#25

When I saw her on an escort site

Image credits: AlexZohanLevin

#26

When I asked for the most simple thing, please get up off your chair from playing videos games to greet me when I’m home from working a 12 hour day. He never did it.

#27

There were a lot of red flags. Things like him telling me I was low on the attractiveness scale, and embarrassing to him because I was intellectual, highly educated, yet extremely shy- so came across as a stuck up snob to everyone. (Spoiler: only he and his friends thought this… maybe not even his friends.)

He also did other stuff like spending money on toys for himself that we had allocated for remodeling - pretty necessary stuff like getting rid of 25 year old disgusting carpet in a new to us house.

The kicker for me was when it came time to have kids. He swore he was all in, but when we weren’t getting pregnant we both got tested. Turned out he had borderline low testosterone and some other issues that were solved with a simple over the counter daily medication that had zero side effects.

We tried and tried and I increasingly went through more painful and invasive testing and procedures- the whole time with him saying how he was in 100%, because I checked in with him often to make sure.

Turned out he had been sabotaging the process the whole time. Intentionally not taking the daily meds and doing some other stuff to ensure we would fail.

#28

On my wedding day. We were married at her Parents house, a beautiful place on a private country club. The entire day was all about her, and she spent more time hanging out with her friend and getting drunk than with me. I stayed busy visiting with all the guests during the day. After all the guests left and it was down to her parents and me, I find her passed out drunk upstairs in a bedroom. I picked her up and carried her to our car to take her home. Needless to say our wedding night consisted of her sleeping it off. 5 years later she went in to in-patient treatment and after she sobered up and was released, she told me that she didn't love me and wanted a divorce.

#29

The first wife, I had inklings that I *might* not have married the right person when I was working full time (making very good pay) and she decided to quit her job and just sat at home on her a*s. We had a maid come every week to clean the house top to bottom, do the laundry and all the dishes - and the house was still a hellhole 6 days a week. If dinner was made at all when I got home from work it was hamburger helper or a microwaved hot dog wiener and blue box macaroni and cheese. It really became clear when I caught her cheating. Her exact words to a friend: "My husband's an angel, but I'm bored."

The second wife, I realized multiple times, over and over, that I married *exactly* the right person for me.

#30

When he let our few month old baby roll off the bed bc he couldn’t get to a save spot on his video game. And also when I brought the baby home an outfit and he was jealous I didn’t pick out something for him too.

Don’t worry, as soon as the baby turned a year old he moved out and we got a divorce. That baby is now 18 and surprise surprise, no relationship.

#31

I had no idea how he felt about me. Almost 9 years together. He didn't propose, I did. He didn't tell his family when we married, they found out online. He never shared his energy or emotions with me. I ultimately had a realization that I didn't even know what he thought of me, other than that I was pretty. I didn't know if he thought I was cool or funny or interesting or smart. I would share myself with him. My thoughts, interests, humor. I'd get nothing in return. I realized it had always been this way. I felt unseen, unheard. I felt like I was boring and uninteresting. I didn't feel special. I just wanted to feel some sort of connection. I wanted our souls to meet. He seemed incapable.

#32

About a year and a half into our marriage she got an internship with Disney and had to move to the other side of the county for seven months. Six months into the internship she tells me that she met someone else. She continued to string me along for another six months saying she doesn't want to get divorce but she's just been really confused.

It turns out she just wanted to keep using me to pay all the bills while she finished her degree. Once she was a month away from finishing school she admitted that she never really wanted a relationship with me, she only started dating me to make her ex jealous, had been cheating on me for about ninety percent of or ten year long relationship, and only stuck around because her ex didn't want to get back together and she didn't want to take care of herself.

She told me she knew this most recent guy she was cheating with was "the love of her life" after three weeks. They had a kid together less than a year after we got divorced and split up within two years.

#33

He threw a surprise birthday for me, and towards the end I was inside near the food table and everyone had already gone outside. I affectionately called him over as he was passing by to have a moment, he rolled his eyes and walked on saying he was hanging out with so and so. Anyone, even a stranger on the road, was always more important, he just did not give a f**k about me. He only did things for how he would appear to others.

#34

We'd been married several years and the marriage had gotten increasingly worse. He only ate out of those stackable plastic plates with the dividers (because they reminded him of being a kid and eating with his parents). He saw them in the cabinet and was outraged because I hadn't stacked them inside one another (I stacked them, but at alternating angles, to ensure they were properly dry and wouldn't be wet between plates). He started lecturing me, on how they fit inside each other, in an infantilizing way. I'd known for a long time I didn't want to be married to him anymore, but in that moment, I stared at him with hatred and specifically thought "(name of best friend from college) wouldn't do this to me."

I'm happy to say I'm out of the abusive marriage, and engaged to my best friend from college.

#35

We had just moved out from my parent's place with our daughter. We had been living there for about 6 months because of financial difficulties (I was the only one working, he was not because of a bad back which ended up being a fake injury). We were not getting along at all while living there and for some reason I thought things would get better now that we had our own place.

The opposite happened; the yelling and swearing got worse. His controlling behaviour just got worse and worse to the point where if I had a shower without permission he would bang on the door while screaming at me. I don't know the exact moment but it was sometime during that month that it all finally clicked in that it was never getting better. I knew he worked with some attractive women and I started hoping that he would have an affair with one of them and either leave me for her or it would give me the guts to leave. I still felt sorry for him because of his (fake) back injury.

I stayed with him for another year and a half and in that time he forced me and our daughter to move far away from my parents because they were beginning to figure out that he was faking his injury. He ended our marriage 2 months after the move because I ran out of money for the first time in our relationship but we still lived together for around 6 months until he finally moved out because I suspect he wanted to get with another woman.

#36

Thankfully not married but living together. When he called me incompetent for taking literally less than 15 seconds to turn off subtitles in Netflix.

In that moment I realized that I had been living in fear and pain for so many years but that the things he was willing to put me down and call me names over were becoming smaller and smaller and i was already walking on eggshells, I couldn’t take any more

#37

When our child was three months old and I had the absolute worst case of mastitis. I was so weak I couldn’t even pick up the baby. I asked him to please stay home from work and help me. He told me to call my mum, then left for work.

I stuck it out for another 4 years, through various other scenarios similar to this one, but finally found the courage to leave. The moment I asked for a divorce I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders.

#38

The moment I had to “adjust” my boundaries, I knew I’m with the wrong guy. The worst happened last year, when after being together for 11 years, he chose to cheat with my niece who just turned 18 (I’m 30 btw). It’s not the first time he cheated too. It just kept getting worse from there. All the gaslighting and psychological trauma and abuse, I’d never wish that to anyone, not even on his mistresses. I wish our country have divorce (we’re in PH). we’re still together.

#39

When she sat me down and with a straight face said “I’ve thought about this and you’re not going to exercise anymore.”

I was jogging a few miles a day and would usually bring kids with in running stroller.

She said you’re a father and it’s too time consuming. That’s when I realized I made a terrible mistake lol.

Catching her with another man in my car didn’t help the case to stay married

#40

When getting totally wasted with his friends on our wedding night was more important than being with me. He stayed up all night drinking and I went to bed alone. It was a foreshadowing of the rest of our marriage. Had 2 kids with him hoping he’d turn it around, but he was an alcoholic. Divorced 6 years ago.

#41

This will be a different answer.

My wife is definitely my soul mate and best friend. I'll never find anyone that I can share my true thoughts / soul with. She's everything I want in a mental partner. We complete each other in that regard.

Sexuality wise, it's not the best match. Did I marry my best friend. Definitely. Was that a mistake. I don't know.

#42

We had been engaged for just over a year (together for around a decade) and I realized I didn’t actually want to be with her, I just was too invested and I didn’t want to make her upset. I knew we would end up getting divorced at some point down the road so I decided to end it before then.

Went to therapy and realized I had spent my whole childhood trying to make my parents happy, and then I immediately got into a relationship and spent all of my adulthood trying to make her happy. I was miserable because of it but I just didn’t know.

#43

We overheard some younger (20s) girls laughing and having a good time nearby. I thought to myself “that’s a great laugh, sounds like they’re having fun” and enjoyed some vicarious happiness. My wife heard the same laugh, looked over at me, rolled her eyes and went “god, I could just SLAP her.”

#44

When I realized that they were just mirroring my personality the entire time we dated after several years of marriage. They don’t have an original thought or individual aspirations. They have to be walked through every aspect of their life. They married me in hopes that I would mother them. They don’t even have an interest in sex after they found out it also requires emotional intimacy on their part.

Dragged them to the doctor who put them on SSRI’s. Begged them to go to therapy. They kept quitting and could never give me adequate reasons why. We went to a couples therapist who they manipulated into believing they had low self esteem. The therapist told me to “love them through it.”

I sought out my own therapy. The clinician helped me realize I was being manipulated into the role of caregiver without my consent. I told them I was leaving. They promised to seek help. New therapist saw them for 2 years. Within the first 7 months they were diagnosed as a covert narcissist.

They eventually admitted to me that they got married to escape their home life. Their mother is a diagnosed narcissist who severely crippled her children emotionally and mentally. Him specifically by putting him into the golden child role. In her eyes he is so perfect no one deserves him and at the same time she degrades and demeans him when he use’s agency.

We are separated. I’ve never been happier. He’s utterly miserable because he moved back home. He would rather endure his mother’s abuse than be responsible for his own decisions.

Hope they are happy together! They deserve each other!