Secrets are part of what makes us human. Everyone has them, and it’s up to every person to decide if they want to let them go or to carry them within forever.

On the other hand, it’s well documented that living with secrets, especially the ones that are important to you, can drain your mental energy. The time and effort you put into thinking of them or making sure they remain well hidden can lead to depression and anxiety.

So no wonder so many people, when given a chance, would take an opportunity to share their secrets, big or small, anonymously. This is what happened in this Ask Reddit thread that served as a safe place for spilled secrets people got tired of carrying on their shoulders.

Bored Panda also reached out to Laura Wasser, a family law expert and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com who shared some insight into keeping secrets and how they can affect our mental health and relationships, as well as when it’s best to lift up the burden and reveal your secret.

#1

Someone attacked me in a park late at night and I found a drug needle somebody left behind and I stabbed him in the eye and ran, I have never seen him since then and I pray I never do.

Image credits: RedditWithKidd

#2

Some days I want to build a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and just vanish.

Nobody ragging on me for my looks, nobody complaining that the job they're underpaying me for isn't done as fast as they want.

No more torturing myself with impossible dreams of a better life, with a wife and kids, and a dog and 2 cars in the garage.

Just me, in the damned woods, alone. No more scumbags saying "it's God's will" whenever something bad happens. It's all so exhausting.

#3

I isolate myself from people and then get mad about it later on.

Image credits: OkiNoProblem

“Deciding whether to disclose a secret or keep it to oneself can be quite a dilemma,” Laura said. According to her, “a helpful approach is to evaluate the possible outcomes of revealing the secret compared to the emotional strain of holding onto it,” Laura told us.

Laura argues that if holding the secret is causing considerable distress, anxiety, or remorse, it might be helpful to share it with a reliable person. “However, if disclosing the secret might result in severe consequences for you or others involved, keeping it might be the better option,” she added.

Moreover, your choice whether to reveal your secret should depend on a thorough evaluation of potential consequences and your emotional well-being.

#4

Not so dark, but I hope my step dad breaks it off with my mom. She is physically and emotionally abusive to him but they act like it’s a normal thing couples do. It would be awful because I like him, but I want him to be happy.

Image credits: frog-do-be-grillin

#5

I don't go to the doctor about pains and hurts because I secretly hope they will eventually kill me. I know it's selfish.

Image credits: Oneofthemuse

#6

I worked on SpongeBob SquarePants: The Yellow Avenger, and know for a fact that the game cannot be 100% completed on the DS version (99% max). Not my fault but I hate that it shipped like that and feel sorry for anyone who's seriously tried.

Image credits: SoftShoeShuffle

We also wondered if it is wise to keep secrets from your partner. The family law expert told us that it’s crucial to understand the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship. “Privacy involves maintaining personal boundaries and a sense of individuality, while secrecy can potentially harm the relationship.”

#7

I'm in a bad place right now. My partner is sick, brain damage after a sudden illness.

Most days he is his old self but some days he is a stranger to me. He's angry, and confused, he doesn't know me, gets into a rage and I have to calm him. I have to remind him of the 13yrs we've shared together. I've to break his heart and remind him that his dad is dead.

It's worse because to people on the outside, he seems totally fine, just a bit quieter than usual. They don't see him when he's confused or wondering who I am.

It's hard, and I'm burning out, between work, study, caring for him, volunteer work and now we have to f*****g move house and as he has mobility issues, most of it will be left to me. He'll be upset and confused at the change.

I will not leave him, I adore him. But it's made me realise that the life we had planned is not going to happen.

We were planning a baby. And we still want one but I've had to accept that it likely won't happen as he has mobility and memory issues. He cannot work, so how can I go to work and leave him with a baby, a toddler, when I come home and the oven is smoking because he forgot he turned it on?

He is so excited talking about this baby we are meant to have in a few years time. We had names picked. And I cannot bring myself to tell him that I don't think it'll happen.

I desperately want his baby. But I've had to cut myself off from excitement about it because how can I tell him that his illness is the reason why we shouldn't have one?

It's so hard because we both talk about it, we get excited, he says beautiful things about us having a baby together and then it hits me again that it'll probably never happen.

I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. We're not bad people. We try and help when we can, we keep to ourselves, we don't cause trouble, and we've had such a s****y run of luck lately. This is the nail in the coffin for me, and I CANNOT take much more of this s**t.

I've never felt such hatred for a god, deity, whatever cosmic force there may be, but I wake up from what little sleep I get, every day, begging whatever the f**k is out there, to leave us alone.

I want my old life back. I want my old partner back. I want our future back. And I'm so f*****g angry because people keep telling me to be grateful he isn't worse. And I AM grateful, my god, I was told if he lived, he'd be in a wheelchair and he defied the odds. But just because he's doing ok doesn't mean I'm not allowed to FEEL!

I'm f*****g ANGRY! And I'm sick of people dismissing my feelings about what happened because they say it didn't happen to me. It happened to US. He doesn't remember a damn thing about that night. I remember EVERYTHING!

I remember him seizing in bed, I remember calling 112, I remember him seizing again and again, I remember doing compressions on him, I remember him terrified, saying my name before he seized again, into unconsciousness for 26 hours.

He doesn't have epilepsy. He's never had any health issues bar a broken foot. It was so random and so out of the blue.


I'm sick of whatever is throwing all of this at us, and I know how horrible I sound because there ARE people in worse situations but I'm just f*****g done.

Whatever is out there, whatever I've done to have this fall back on us, just leave him alone. He's a good, kind, sweet man, he doesn't deserve any of this.


Just please stop because I actually can't take any more.

#8

I have a really difficult time connecting to and understanding other people. I’m never cruel about it. I just don’t feel connected to anyone. It hurts me. I don’t let it hurt anyone else.

Image credits: RenfieldOnRealityTv

#9

I want my brother and his fiance to lose everything they have, including custody and right to see, their kids. They are awful, extremely manipulative people who took full advantage (financially, mentally, emotionally) of my elderly parents.

I hate them with every fiber of my being.

Image credits: Golfball_whacker_guy

“When deciding whether to keep a secret from your partner, evaluate the secret's nature and potential consequences for your relationship. Some secrets can be harmful, especially if they involve deception, betrayal, or a breach of trust. Hiding these types of secrets from your partner is never a good idea in these circumstances,” Laura explained.

However, she added, not all secrets directly affect your partner or the relationship. “In cases where the information pertains to personal privacy, it may be acceptable to keep the secret without causing harm to your relationship.”

#10

I accidentality killed a person while protecting myself. It haunts me to this day. I am not guilty of anything.

Image credits: throw_awayla33

#11

During a manic episode I was filled with so much rage and sorrow that I let a homeless man take me into a ditch behind a church in hopes that he would kill me. He didn't. He just did some drugs, showed me pictures of his girlfriends, and made pleasant conversation. I guess he was just lonely.

Edit, since many people seemed to only take 1 thing from this story: I didn't know he was homeless til my mom found us and offered him a ride to his place, which then we discovered he didn't have one. I didn't expect him to kill me, I was just hoping he would, as an obviously drugged-up man walking across the street to approach a 19-year old girl who is alone and offering her into a ditch where bodies are often found was a decent enough red flag ? And let's not forget that I was in a state of psychosis

Image credits: saltboo

#12

I find it incredibly difficult to connect with others. I simply can’t muster the energy to give a s**t about others. I look at others as objects or annoying automata. I don’t hate most. I simply have no opinion on others. Suppose that makes me kind of broken. There. Off my chest.

Image credits: Fast-Volume-5463

It’s also important to note that keeping a secret for one's entire life can present a significant burden, “depending on the secret's nature and its emotional repercussions.” Laura explained that for some individuals, the pressure of holding a secret can result in ongoing stress, anxiety, and mental health problems.

#13

I don't feel the want to do anything. I feel no excitement for future dates or events, I'm not excited or looking forward to anything except greedy s**t like getting money or objects. I'm not even materialistic, it's just like my brain is looking for shortcuts to make me feel some sort of excitement and so it looks for objects that I want. This makes me feel f*****g horrible.

My girlfriend asks me to play video games or hang out with her and I always do but I never look forward to it until we actually do something. I always enjoy my time with her but I can't get hyped up to do anything.

I've heard of this with older people but I'm only 18 and I'm horrified, I need this motivation.

Image credits: sevincole

#14

i have terrible memory issues, and no matter what i do to keep things on track (meds, planners, reminders, alarms, etc) things still slip through the cracks. it makes me feel terrible bc i hate the disappointed or even frustrated look i get when i ask a question and should cLEARLY know the answer. it’s especially difficult when people end up thinking i don’t care, bc “if you cared then you’d remember”
i care so much, i never want to ask what we planned for tomorrow (again) and when your birthday is (again, despite attending the party last year). it just gets really hard to juggle everything all the time

Edit: thank you for all the comments!! ive since been diagnosed with adhd and am on medication LMAO but it makes me feel better that i wasn’t alone in this :) and i’ll be taking into account the other medical advice some mentioned. thanks and love u all!

Image credits: Echo_was_slain

#15

I gave my baby nephew a noisy toy because I was having a petty fight with my sister.

“In such instances, confiding in a trusted friend or a mental health expert can offer valuable relief and support. Conversely, if the secret isn't causing substantial emotional turmoil, it might be feasible to hold onto it for the rest of your life,” Laura concluded.

#16

I spend most time in my bed on my phone. I hate it and I don’t think anyone knows

Image credits: Plus_Bison_7091

#17

That I didn’t spend near enough time with my Nan in the months before her death.

For context she was 101- hilarious, kind and had all her faculties. She was the best support, and everything you would want in a Nan.

With her age, I knew time was short but didn’t prioritize her as much as I should have. I saw her the night before she died, and I said I’m sorry and she accepted it and forgave me but you could tell she was sad. Next time I saw her she was gone.

I regret it every day of my life.

Image credits: doona88

#18

I got revenge on an old high school bully on the last day of school by slashing all 4 of his car tires. I even saw him expressing rage on wtf happened to his car as I left, smiling to myself and thinking "Justice is served". And another bully by stuffing her backpack full of live roaches. Nope, still don't regret it. They hurt me, so I attacked back. Tug on the tail of a shark, you get bit.

Image credits: Knightmare560

#19

I genuinly fear that I’m only nice and considerate due to habit and training

Edit: I got a lot of supportive and sympathising responses and I’m very, very, thankful for them.

#20

There’s a two year old jug Tropicana orange juice in my fridge rn and I’m too afraid to pour it out

Image credits: iSpeezy

#21

Not really "dark" but just... heartbreaking.

I grew up in a charismatic evangelical cult. I was physically (not sexually) assaulted by the pastor and several church-goers in an "exorcism" to cure my depression and suicidal thoughts. It didn't work obviously. I was 16 or 17 and tried to kms pretty soon after (but failed obviously otherwise this comment wouldn't exist). After my failed attempt, I spent weeks and weeks crying on the phone to suicide helpline and trans helpline at night. I often begged for them to just let me cry to them and vent, not to call authorities as it would just make things worse for me instead of better.

My sister actually found me one night because I cried so hard that I puked (I was in the bathroom because it was the safest and quietest place for me to call that late). She was between 14-15 at the time. I just remember she was asking if I was okay, and it was very obvious that i wasn't. She actually comforted me a lot. I can't remember what she said, all I remember is her kindness and her concern knowing how badly I wanted to kill myself and how much I hated myself. She has always been my biggest support.

6 years later, we both escaped our parents (they're horrible horrible people who believe the cult did nothing wrong and still attend the church I was assaulted at). I've been nearly a year no-contact with them, meanwhile she still talks to them from time to time but she maintains firm boundaries and im so beyond proud of her for that.

I'm 22 now and had my first birthday without them recently- my sister made me a cake and got me a present and we had a get together. I didn't tell her then but I was pretty sad the whole day. not a single happy birthday from any of my family, and while I wanted it that way and there's really no way for any of them to get in touch with me... I still miss my parents.

I'm still just a scared kid who wants his mommy and daddy. I want my dad to tell me he's proud of me instead of what a fuckup I am and (pardon my language) how "r-t-rded" I am and how I'll never hold a job down. I want my mom to tell me I'm perfect the way I am and she will love me no matter what.
I dealt with heavy drug use too as a result of trauma and fear of going to therapy (yes I had and still kind of have that fear). I've been clean and sober for five months but some days... I just remember everything and I start craving again. I'm just thankful I don't know other dealers because I'd have OD'd for the umpteenth time by now.

but I got myself where i am today... all without my parents. all without my family. I did that.

I guess thats my dark secret.

#22

When I was seven I was home alone. I called 911 due to a house fire that consumed half the house and they found me outside. My mother (who was at work, I was a latchkey kid) was told by the fire department that it was an electrical fire.

In truth, I had a lighter and was fascinated by fire. I was burning the little tassles at the end of the blanket on my bed, putting them out before it caught the whole blanket on fire... Until I wasn't able to and the whole bed caught fire. An electrical outlet shorted out from the heat, which caused the firemen to think that was the cause.

I'm 40 now. My mother still doesn't know the truth and I still remember it all vividly, complete with the heat on my face as I tried in vain to put out the bed.

Image credits: Dyerdon

#23

I secretly blame my ex girlfriend for her ex husband assaulting me at a small casino a few months ago, not because we know each other and she left him for me, but for the simple fact that he had so much hatred for me that he literally screamed "im going to f*****g kill you" as he swung a deadly weapon at me. Later i found out that she had talked to him after she and i got together and she apparently told him i was physically abusive...

I have not even so much as raised my voice to her, let alone be abusive physically...

Image credits: Lopsided_Exam_2927

#24

A few people are aware that someone I was very close to commited suicide in 2014. He was the kindest man, and always asked about me and he'd travel two hours by train just to meet me for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. He was someone so consistently there for me, I never considered the possibility of him one day not being there, and he seemed really happy; everything was "the best", every joke was the funniest he'd ever heard and every brownie was the gooiest.

What I don't tell anyone is that the few days leading up to his departure, I had several missed calls from him, watched one of the calls ring without answering, and recieved a message from him, pleading that I call him when I had the chance. I had many chances, but I didn't call him.

I woke up later that week to a message that, once pasted onto a Word document, took me two days to read. He wrote to me about his life, how insignificant he felt, how wonderful I am and then ended it with an apology. I then recieved an email from his mother, informing me he had jumped in front of a moving train.

I've never been a very sociable person. I've always been caring and I try to do the right thing, but for the last eight years I've stopped keeping kind thoughts to myself. The reason I check in on everyone, bake cakes and answer my phone is all my way of keeping a piece of him alive.

Sometimes the absence of kindness can be as damaging as malice - I understand that now, and I'm so deeply sorry I didn't realise it sooner. If you meet people in life who are enthusiastic, and living every day like it's their last, it might be, so I promise to always pick up. I know it's too late now, and I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that if it means he's not forgotten about.

My dad told me that in the afterlife, everyone will be resurrected perfect. So, it's comforting to know I'll recognise him, because he was a great friend, and perfect in every way. I hope I get to ask him for forgiveness.

#25

I push people away without thinking then think about how I'm alone

#26

I have little to no patience and I get really stressed when things don’t move like clockwork

#27

I suffered from HORRIFIC intrusive thoughts due to OCD and for 28yrs I thought something was wrong with me. That I may end up being a predator/murderer/psycho (even though all of the thoughts made me physically sick). I was genuinely scared to babysit my 2yo nephew alone because what if I accidentally threw him down the stairs? I finally opened up to my therapist and she helped me work through it all and I'm not triggered anymore and I can finally live peacefully

Image credits: Conscious_Ad_7902

#28

I am super selfish. I just want to be alone. but this society gave me unnecessary duties and attachments. it sucks

#29

I wish I'm not a person who always push people away when I'm in my lowest. I wish I actually accept other people's help offers and not refusing them. I wish my mind will stop echoing "you're a burden" everytime I try to reach for help. Why I always managed to help other people but I can't do it although I already have some ears to lend at, shoulders to cry on? Was it because what my dad mocked me for having 'too much feelings', 'crybaby', and my mom said "don't be a burden to us" when I had a mental breakdown?

(Eng isn't my 1st language btw :') )

#30

I'm happy my moms ex died.

Dude was a f*****g menace. Frequently had outbursts where he would destroy our apartment or threaten my siblings or my mom. His family and friends all thought he was harmless, but didn't want to deal with him. One day he was having another meltdown, my mom and siblings were hiding in my room and I was holding the door shut while he was trying to get in so I called the police. Dude blamed me for years after that and targeted me a lot.
One day some neighbor boys tried to assault me and when I mentioned it he convinced himself that I must've lead those boys on and kept inviting them over. I also had to take care of him when he shattered the bones in his arm and hand and traveling nurses refused to come to our house to flush his IV. I Imagine he was terrible to them too.
I have so many stories about this guy. I was around 22 when he died and I was genuinely happy that he died.
I thought I was kinda over it but once I had kids I've started to become angry with every adult involved. I couldn't imagine putting my own kids in those situations.

#31

A friend goes on and on about how many twitch followers he has and how he’s getting so big as a streamer, etc. he doesn’t know that most of his followers/viewers are me. He was so depressed that nobody was tuning in that I used a google worksuite account and a ton of aliases to spawn twitch accounts to follow/watch him. It’s gotten out of control though and he keeps trying to lord and over our friend group how many viewers/followers. Not sure how to proceed, because he was pretty depressed before I created all the followers and worry he’ll get depressed again if I slowly stop doing it.

For people asking, I’m not going to post the stream link, it wouldn’t do anything healthy for him to see a big hit of viewers at this point, and I don’t need him googling himself and finding his way to this post. Instead, one of the respondents below dropped a link to his kids stream, if you want to make a kid smile go give a follow to:

#32

I just started as a mortician's assistant. I held a dead baby last week and put it in the fridge to be cremated later. I don't want to tell anyone because it would freak them out too much.

#33

I really want my old friends back. I cant stop missing them. The ones I hurt, the ones who hurt me, it doesnt matter - I cant stop thinking about the people I used to do everything with. I miss it so much

#34

Being alive is EXHAUSTING. I have chronic pain issues and a delightful combo of anxiety and depression, and having to hold down a job, care for myself, and keep my home not-gross takes up all my energy.

My dog keeps me hanging on. As soon as I get over my fear of death, I'm out of here.

#35

Adulting is a lonely thing. Even if you're married with kids. Nobody tells you. Many times it's you and your thoughts.

You have to choose to discount sad, bad, evil thoughts.

Focus and grow happy thoughts. Your choice.

#36

I am a s**t Aunty.

I don’t like my nieces or nephews until they’re about 14 or 15yo.

My sister in laws kids have all been absolute brats and her parenting style (helicopter) is frustrating to watch.

I’m just grateful that I don’t live near any of them and rarely see them.

#37

I’ve smoked for almost 40 years. I’m a secret smoker - I rarely smoke in public and never at work so only my husband knows I smoke a pack a day and have almost my entire life. I just quit 15 days ago! The craving are killing me at times but I feel so much better. Smoking was so embarrassing to me - it’s just so stupid and unnecessary yet I kept telling on doing it for way to many years. Here’s to my new smoke-free life!

#38

When my dad was passing, my family left me to say my good byes. I didn’t say anything to him. Great man, I just had no idea what to say. Still feel like s**t about it

#39

I knew my mother was going to kill herself and did nothing about it. So I basically let her die.

#40

I often fantasise about dying.

#41

My best friend since 10 now (32) just got married I wasn’t included in the bachelor party nor invited to stand in the wedding. I left shortly after dinner was served. No pictures no partying. Seen him as I was leaving we said we loved each other and I said congratulations.

Image credits: Daffertons

#42

A guy broke into my house a while back and the first thing I did was throw a knife at his leg. I'm a great knife thrower and now he can't walk as I hit a nerve or something. He didn't even have a weapon. Just my reaction ig. I was cutting some meat when it happened. Currently traumatized and I don't make dinner anymore because it reminds me of the fact that I just f****d someone's life up forever. I feel sickened and I think I might not be the victim here. I know what he did was wrong but I can't help but feel that I went too far.

#43

I’ve not had a will to live since I was 11 years old and I’ve felt emotionally empty ever since

I also fear that I’m going to die alone because I can’t seem to let myself be happy or just date for the hell of it

#44

I felt relieved when my dad killed himself.

While he had a lot of mental health issues, he was also not a very nice person and put me and my family through a lot of pain for many years. I have countless stories of the f****d up things he said and did.

I now have conflicting feelings where I am sad that someone suffered so much pain and inflicted so much pain on others but I’m also relieved that it is over and I don’t honestly miss him at all.

Edit: wow, thanks for so many positive replies. It sounds like I’m very much not alone in having feelings like this so sending out the love to anyone in a similar boat.

#45

When I was 8 years (m) old I was at a friends sleepover. He was also the same age and there was also an older boy there. He asked me to get naked and lay on my friend, after saying no multiple times i got persuaded to do it. He said they do it a lot as guys his age. I dont know much more of that night, I guess my brain said: Lets forget that. I still know how the room looked, what games we played before and how the bed and the carpet looked. Im 20 now and I think because of that I had a lot of trouble accepting physical touch and intimacy. Its one of the most detailed memories of my childhood till one point...

#46

I am a horrible human. I feel jealous when people around me are doing better. I am tired to pretending that I am happy for them when in reality I hope they are burned. I also have insecurities. Which is probably why such hatred.

#47

i have gotten more people than i can count fired from their media jobs in Canada due to their extensive previously buried abuse histories

pretty proud of it, but cannot even be too vocal about it, bc i dont want to be sued, even though every single one of them is a giant abuser, and in some cases, some are con artists

#48

Back in college my floor mates thought I needed to loosen up. They all knew I had a bad first sexual experience and "wanted to help". So they did nothing but hand me drink after drink one night at a pregame, I was happy people were being cool to me. One drink was drugged. I don't remember leaving the dorm that night, even though I was told that we all went to a bar. And I don't remember the bar, or getting back.

But I do remember waking up in the morning, naked, with a condom still on my d**k, and a girl sitting in my desk chair. When I woke up I questioned, almost paralyzed, in shock. She said, "I only stayed because I thought you might be dead. I can't believe they convinced me to do this." I had never seen her before and didn't know her name. But saw her around campus from time to time, where I avoided her and she avoided me. I confronted my floor mates who got incredibly defensive and brushed it off. They saw it as me getting with a very attractive girl. No apologies from anyone.

People question me as to why I'm still painfully single, nine years later. "You've got a big heart, you would make someone happy." I've told one person about this, who laughed and said, "Well at least it wasn't real r**e". So I don't tell anyone now. I'm terrified because I feel I would not be taken seriously. I've never had a real relationship, nor a healthy sexual experience. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at a place where I can achieve that. And at this stage, what's the point? Even if I find someone tomorrow, I'd be in my thirties getting married, and who knows about kids. Fully expecting to be alone for the future, even if I don't really want it to be that way.

#49

I gave up on love after my marriage ended. Every relationship I’ve been in since then is just the shell of my former self. I’m no longer the romantic guy I used to be, no more lovey dove talk, no more telling them how beautiful they are, and the words I love you seem empty. I’m afraid I’ll never love anyone like that ever again because I’m too afraid to be hurt like that again.

I also very much miss my former wife, I wish I never brought up separation and I wish I never let my former GF push me towards divorce. Even if we were 1800 miles, living with other people and other relationships, I would have stayed married just to say she was still in my life.

#50

I'm in love with a girl I can never be with

#51

I left my girlfriend the night she died after a long battle with cancer.

I had been sleeping anywhere I could for a week and in my haze I never noticed just how close she was to the end.

I really thought I could go home, recharge and come back. I woke up to her family in tears telling me she had gone in the night.

The only thing she wanted when she died was to have me there. Instead I wanted to sleep. Easily my biggest regret.

(To clarify as it reads wrong, I only left to go home for some sleep. I didn't split up with her)

#52

When I was 15 or 16 I lit my friend on fire. He had to go to the hospital with 3rd degree burns. He was a homie and never told anyone it was me, just told people he was goofing around with fire and it was an accident. But I did it.

#53

I ate a baby toad once. I’m not proud of it. It just kinda happened. It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was, wondering “why am I not home and why am I in some sort of acid pond”

#54

I don't have the heart or strength to write it out, but just remember this: if you say no and they don't listen, fight like your life depends on it. You have the right to your own body.

#55

My fiancé left me a week ago. She claimed our relationship became too toxic and I have severe attachment issues. Instead of seeking therapy I’m currently on my way to costa rica to do plant medicine and confront my past. I have no idea how to stop the pain or quit thinking of her. She was everything to me.

#56

My dog killed my neighbors cat and every day, the little girl (around 13-14) would ask where her cat was and i would constantly say " im not sure where it is" and once i moved away, I've been living the guilt and i feel bad that i never told her...its just that my dog was a pitbull and he was only 4 years old and i knew the risk of what happen if i did tell her so i never told her.

#57

I know this is serious thread and this might sound as a joke, but once, back in 1987 or 1988, when I was like 6 or 7 years old, I stole a transformer toy from a mom and pop store.

It was the 80s, in France, so my mom would just drop me there while she ran some errands. It was not considered bad parenting back then, everybody would leave kids unattended in cars or stores.
Anyway, I had noticed this transformer for a while, I forgot which one it was, it was a grey plane, but it was not starscream. I really wanted it because transformers were the s**t back then. I already had bumblebee, but I wanted more. We were not poor but my parents wouldn’t get me new toys for no reason. It was only for Christmas, birthdays or if my school grade card was good. So I knew that my mom wouldn’t buy it even if I begged, I had tried before.

I noticed that there was almost nobody in the store and that the owner was behind the register. There was no one near me and since I was like 4 feet tall, no one had a direct line of sight over the isles.
I decided I was going to steal it. I had never stollen anything before. Maybe a crayon from school, but that was it. Here we are talking something that was 40 or 50 francs, around $8 or $10 which was a lot back then, especially for a 7 years old.

It was winter so I was wearing a big puffy coat, but the toy was in a box, not just a blistered cardboard back like most action figures, so I could not just shove it inside my jacket, it was too big. Plus, it was a small store, they only had one or two units of each toy, so if one went missing, they would notice immediately(at least that what my 6 yo mind thought). So, I just opened the box very quietly with my tiny fingers. It was over 30 years ago, so I don’t remember if there was any tape or anything holding the toy in the box, but I was able to get it out, making as little noise as possible. I was constantly checking if anyone was coming over. My heart was beating as if I was committing the biggest heist.
I slowly put it inside the pocket of my jacket. The toy was actually pretty big, I had to make sure no part was poking out. I put the box back in the racks, hiding it behind other toys. The whole thing probably lasted 30 seconds but it felt like an hour.

So far, so good. Then comes the wait. I couldn’t just walk out. I had to wait here for my mom to come pick me up and I had no idea how long it would be. Yeah I didn’t really think this all the way through, I was just a dumb kid.

So I had to stay on the crime scene. I randomly walked around the store, avoiding eye contact with anyone, staying away from the boys section, suddenly pretending I was interested in barbies and s**t. I was sweating. I knew it was there in my pocket but I couldn’t reach for it because I didn’t want to bring any attention to it. Was the bulge visible? I didn’t even want to look down.
I saw some other kid going towards the transformers. Oh s**t, he is going to find the empty box. Did I hide it well enough? Is he going to say anything? No, he looked at other stuff, probably e-man or g.i joes, which were also pretty popular back then (but it was before the ninja turtles craze!)

Anyway, i had to wait for what felt an eternity, probably 10 minutes, until my mom walked in the door. I wanted to rush outside but I had to act cool. She started asking me questions “i wasn’t too long? Did you see anything you like?” While I would normally drag her to show the stuff I wanted, this time I was like “nah, we can go”.

I was finally outside, no one was running after me, victory! I put my hands in my pockets, I could feel it, what a relief. But it wasn’t over yet. Even if my mom didn’t give a s**t about transformers, like I said, I didn’t have many of them, so if she saw me pulling out a new one she had never seen before, that I did not have when we left home, she would start asking questions.
I had to wait till we got home. I was already playing with it on the way back, moving bits, trying to guess what part I was touching. Is it an arm? A leg?

Once we got home, she put my coat on the hanger (lol), so I had to go retrieve it later when she was busy and not paying attention. I made it! I locked myself into my room and played with it all day. I would then hide it at the bottom of my toy crate when was done. I did that for a few days then I became less caution. My dad once saw me playing with it and asked where it came from because he recognized the type of plane (an f15 I think) and he didn’t remember buying it. I made up some b******t story about trading it with a friend from school and he was like “oh ok”, he didn’t really care.

I avoided going back to the store for like a year after that. I told my mom I’d rather stay with her when she goes to the farmers market (not true), which made her happy.

So there it was, my big childhood secret. It haunted me for months, like I had killed someone and could go to jail if anyone found out. Then I completely forgot about it as I grew up and did some other stupid s**t. Today I could tell them, don’t care, i just never got the occasion.

#58

Not really dark, but - I've never had a single friend in my life.

#59

I don’t have as strong of an attachment to my parents as I feel like I should. They allowed me to live with my maternal grandmother for the majority of my formative years, through high school and college. I miss her terribly, as she was more a parent to me than my actual parents.

All that being said, any visiting, helping around the farm, or time spent with them is generally out of guilt.

#60

Growing up, my single mother would take out her frustrations physically on her children. So I spent time with 4 weekend foster families, 2 full time foster families, 2 years at a boarding school, a couple weeks at my dad's place (foreign national who still lives here but doesn't speak the local language after 35 years) and a couple years at something called an "efterskole", a type of boarding school but specifically for finishing up what is essentially high school.

While all of that was traumatic enough, I moved to the neighbouring country for a few years following my coming of age, to live with my then girlfriend, and when she broke up with me, I broke.

It's been 14 years since, and I still haven't been able to create a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with a woman since, whenever a bond is being formed, it simply snaps as I subconsciously retreat out of self-preservation. After seeing a therapist it turns out I have rejection PTSD from not only my mother, but from most of the female authority figures I've had throughout my life.

I don't hate women, so let's not take it to a misogynistic place.

I just can't trust them because I'm emotionally scarred.

Bonus story; The second full time foster family simply drove me to my mom's one day at age 14 and while I ran in to get my mom, dropped off all my stuff on the sidewalk and drove off. I came back out with my mom to just see my stuff there and them gone. I still don't know why, and I've always been scared of what the answer would be if I sought it out.

#61

I have had the same best friend since I was 16. We met in high school. When we turned 19 she met her husband. I quickly became closer to him than my best friend. We developed a deep brother sister type bond. My best friend has cognitive disabilities and anxiety so I would vent a lot to him because he was just easier to talk to. This past October he died of AML leukemia. I stepped up and helped my best friend through the transition. I planned a memorial service, paid for the cremation (was reimbursed after life insurance processed) and was basically a rock. But internally I am completely gutted. I do not trust easily and he was one of the very few people I felt I could tell anything to. The loss is hard for me and I have no where to go with the pain because the one person I would talk to about it is him and he's dead. I don't want to say these things to my best friend because it drags up so much for her. She is hurting deeply and I'm trying to be strong for her. It's a difficult mix to deal with.

#62

i wonder if people can read my mind, which is made worse bc i have ocd and have intrusive thoughts/paranoias. aka, i wonder if people can read my mind and read all my creepy a*s intrusive thoughts (along with all the non mentally ill s**t i think) and it sucks

#63

I'm always going to resent my parents for loving my adopted sister more than me. She was adopted before I was born and they were always asking me why couldn't I be more like her. Growing up she was always the favored one.

#64

I guess it's not so dark but

I absolutely hate,hate, that I mixed my friend groups together

it's one of the worst things i've ever done, so much drama happened because of that, i now feel like i don't belong in either group, can't plan things with one group without people from the other feel like i'm purposefully excluding them, can't talk about things that happen to me because hey they're all basically one big weird group now

i feel like i lost so much and i cant tell any of them that because how do you even say things like this?

it's really suffocating sometimes

#65

Sometimes I wish my mother would die so I don't have to deal with her anymore. I am so angry with her because of all the s**t she put me through as a kid. I went NC with her but she still sees my kids and I just am so tired of her existing. I feel like I can't move on from being angry with her and talking doesn't work because she's very much a severe alcoholic in ridiculous denial. I feel like her dying would bring closure I desperately need and my stupid brain keeps thinking that someday she'll snap out of it and hear me out but...logically I know it won't happen. I'm so tired.

#66

Everyone is fighting silent battles, I hope everyone receives the love and care that we all deserves as HUMAN BEINGS!❤️ I hope everyone finds the peace that we all search for.

#67

I think I have undiagnosed ADHD, and it’s ruining my life. I feel like I have Swiss cheese for brains, I have to set so many reminders to not forget anything. Therapy, physio, any kind of appointment, I set alarms all throughout the day, and I have to set alarms of when to leave, or I’ll forget. My to-do list for work is upwards of 10 pages long, because if I don’t write every action down, I’ll forget. On multiple occasions I’ve left the house with my makeup unfinished because I was distracted, and didn’t get a visual clue to finish (ie, my reflection).

If something doesn’t interest me, I can’t do it. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I physically cannot make myself break away from the things that do give me the ✨interest✨dopamine✨ to do important stuff. It got really bad during the depp v heard trial. I’d sit down to watch some of the livestream of the trial after dinner and suddenly it was 2:30am, I was exhausted, hungry and about to p**s myself.

I want to get diagnosed, but I don’t even have a doctor to talk to about this.

Edit: sp

#68

I was assaulted at age of 5…

They told me it was all just a game, but my brother and three of his friends made me touch them when I was just a little girl. I kept it off my mind for many years. But something happened recently that made me had those flashbacks, maybe becoming a mom or idk.

It just saddens my heart thinking about the scenario and I just can’t get it off my head. I’ve never told anyone.

#69

I was in a relationship with a man who forced me to have sex with him when I didn’t want to.

I was mentally broken at the time after leaving an abusive marriage and felt he was the only person protecting me from my ex.

So I gave him what he wanted and he knew I didn’t want to.

I was afraid of being alone and my ex breaking into the property and hurting me or my kids.

The man I was with, was also violent.

I fell pregnant. I said I’d never have an abortion as a matter of my own choice (was never against anyone who had). I was so fragile mentally I couldn’t cope with the idea of a child born from this compounding my mental state. I think, I would have ended up taking my own life.

I had a termination. One of the worst experiences of my life. I never consulted or told him as I think he would have physically harmed me or worse.

No one knows any of the above other than my therapist.

#70

not really dark but im genuinely think this guy i keep trying to let go is my soulmate, we keep finding ways back to each other.