Honesty. Loyalty. Trust. These are the foundations of any loving and thriving relationship. Everything you’ve built together can come tumbling down when your partner starts being secretive and unfaithful to you. It can start with a bit of ‘harmless’ flirting, but it can soon grow into a full-blown affair.

Redditor u/Kindayoungbutok recently started a very candid thread on r/AskReddit, asking internet users about the “dead giveaways” that your partner is probably Cheating on you. Scroll down to read the potential signs and learn what happened in these people’s relationships.

We reached out to the author of the viral thread, and they were happy to answer our questions about cheating and what keeps a relationship rock-solid. Read on for Bored Panda's interview with u/Kindayoungbutok.

#1

If they cheated on someone to be with you, well.... don't be shocked, is all.

Image credits: Tyrphanax

#2

Oddly specific as this is how I knew- the girl he was cheating with was conspicuous in absence. He told me everything about his co-workers except for this one. I thought something was going on and sadly, I was right.

For anyone who’s reading this and either has suspicions or has been cheated on, I need you to know it’s not a reflection on you. It’s not your fault, and you will be okay.

Image credits: BettieKat

#3

When they accuse you of accusing them of cheating - and that has nothing to do with the conversation. At all.

Image credits: sherivero

Bored Panda had a friendly chat with the author of the viral thread, u/Kindayoungbutok. We were very curious as to why the topic made such a big splash on Reddit, as well as what inspired the OP to ask the question in the first place.

"I feel like most people are very drawn to this topic because, in one way or another, most have had an encounter with infidelity. Whether it be their partners, parents, or themselves," they said why affairs are a topic that gets so much attention.

"I can’t recall why exactly I made this post, but contrary to what you might expect, I wasn’t considering if I were being cheated on or not. I was curious to see what answers other people's experiences led them to," they opened up to us.

#4

Your gut. Always always always trust your gut.

Image credits: Pfannkuchen-Nippel

#5

When she tells you shes having dinner with her brother... while you're having dinner with her brother

Image credits: tickflasher

#6

Name dropping. When they bring someone up over and over in even the most tangentially related situations. If they say it's an innocuous friendship or a collegue but their name keeps coming up all the time, chances are you're right to be concerned.

Image credits: NezuminoraQ

Meanwhile, we were interested to get the redditor's opinion on why people cheat and their take on what the secret to a solid and happy romantic relationship is.

"I don’t think there’s a clear-cut answer to why people cheat, but I think a lack of communication is a big factor at play," u/Kindayoungbutok said.

"I believe communication and a real sense of trust are key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. For me personally as well, I think some personal space could do couples some good. I see people engulf each other in themselves and make their lives synonymous. I don’t think that’s healthy. I think that is a recipe for resentment."

#7

When your wife becomes pregnant and you had a vasectomy 10 years ago.

Image credits: get-r-done-idaho

#8

I had a cool/odd/crazy/s****y experience. I talk in my sleep and one day (three months before we were to get married) I had a nightmare about my ex cheating on me with a guy I worked with and I actually woke both of us up mumbling some s**t about it. When I told her what my dream was she got cagey, so I checked our cellphone bill and found out that she had been texting that very same guy non stop for weeks. I confronted her and she admitted to cheating on me with him.

A dream set me free. What's also funny is that I don't recall having any kind of trust issues with him and her when we hung out, but something inside me apparently did.

#9

When they randomly start arguments for no reason or just start being disrespectful out of the blue.

Image credits: Egg_Anxious

There are four main reasons why people are unfaithful to their partners, according to Lucia F. O'Sullivan Ph.D. The first is sexual dissatisfaction: the person might want more variety or more frequent love-making. That forces them to look for alternatives to their significant other.

Something else that can lead to infidelity is emotional dissatisfaction. For instance, someone starts seeing their partner in a different, less positive light. Meanwhile, they might be putting their trust in someone else—a colleague, friend, or a stranger, to whom they’re opening up and sharing private information with.

Two other common reasons why people are unfaithful include feeling neglected by their partner and angry at their SO, hoping to ‘punish’ them by breaking their heart.

#10

If they ask you to open up the relationship, they're either already cheating or they have someone in mind and want to do it without the guilt.

#11

They admit to you they still have feelings for a “friend” they had romantic history with and continue to spend alone time with and get upset that you call them an ex ? Reality can be whatever they want.

Image credits: Voltundra

#12

Here’s a fun one courtesy of my dad and his second wife: when the tire tread pattern on the fresh snow in your driveway matches the uncommon tires on your brother-in-law’s new work vehicle.

*Edit: got way more confused replies than I expected on this. My dad’s second wife (not my mother) was having an affair with my uncle (my dad’s sister’s husband, HIS brother-in-law) and my dad figured it out after coming home early from work one night and noticing a distinctive tire width and tread pattern in his driveway that matched my uncle’s work truck, who had no reason for being there that night.*

*He went inside and asked her if had been there and she acted surprised and denied it. He then mentioned the tire marks and why he recognized them and the house of cards promptly crumbled.*

However, something else to consider is that the opportunity to cheat can actually lead to cheating! O’Sullivan notes that opportunity is “necessary but not sufficient” for infidelity to take place.

“We should not underestimate the power of opportunity, especially in situations in which we feel less responsible or unlikely to be held accountable. Being intoxicated, at a wild party, or far away from home (where you are feeling anonymous) can lead to infidelity,” she writes.

#13

Phone keeps ringing but he won't answer it

Image credits: karly__45

#14

His phone said 'no caller id' instead of 'No Caller ID

Image credits: criminalsiren

#15

When my partner was cheating, he was really oversensitive to any implication that I didn't trust him. I'd text something like 'what are you doing?' and he'd get all defensive when it was really just a straight-up question on my part.

Image credits: sravll

Cheating, according to Psychology Today, is a habit. If you’ve done it once, you’re more likely to do it again… and again, and again. It’s not a guarantee that someone will most definitely have an affair if they’ve had one or more before (aka “once a cheater, always a cheater”), but past actions can be used to at least model some basic behavior trends.

People who are narcissistic, score low on agreeableness, and are interested in having multiple partners are more likely to be unfaithful. However, as O’Sullivan points out, “cheating is so widespread that a handful of personality traits or attitude profiles are not going to effectively capture why people cheat.”

#16

their “co-worker” sends a “goodnight babe. I love you” text in the middle of the night..

Image credits: CL_from_the_TL

#17

You’re at a party and the lead singer of a band starts singing a song about your girlfriend entitled “Scotty Doesn’t Know”

Image credits: cajunfid

#18

When they become cagey about things they're normally open about.

Have known a couple people who did this. Very open, liked to talk about their entire day, would answer near any question. Then suddenly they'd be out on a night with their friend/s and the details of the night could be summed up in a couple words or there'd be odd gaps in the story while they remember and try to sort through it all.

Image credits: Hobbes09R

#19

When you find incriminating messages and the first thing she ask you is how far you went back into the message history.

She proceeds to get mad at you for violating her trust by looking at her computer even though you asked her several times (calmly and patiently) to be honest about the situation because you felt like you were going crazy.

When the divorce process starts and she decide to call you at work and tell you you can't prove anything but I let her know I took phone pics of the conversations. She flips out.

When I move out and he (her ex high school bf) moves in right after.

The month our divorce became final they get married 3 months after.

They have a child shortly after that.

Anyhow thank god it happened because while the feelings sucked and felt unsurvivable, I dodged a big a*s bullet and my current gf of several years now is wonderful and I really do feel like everything had to happen for me to end up where I ultimately needed to be.

#20

When you catch them admitting it over a security camera to their ex while you're out of state...

Image credits: RiggerZilver

#21

My ex used to get so angry if I walked in the door and went to pee right away. I drive an hour home from work due to traffic. Having to pee is not abnormal. He made it a thing. The bathroom was right inside the door, and he would be at the other end of the house. Apparently going into the bathroom before seeing him was equivalent to me washing off the scent of my lover. Every time he accused me of anything, looking back, that’s exactly what he was guilty of.

#22

You catch them having sex with someone else. It even worse if they don't stop.

Image credits: GoHomePig

#23

Your dog vomits another woman’s underwear.

Image credits: RollTacker

#24

When they suddenly stop making time for you

Image credits: Js_On_My_Yeet

#25

My ex would sleep with her phone under her pillow. I had an idea it was happening and would keep an eye on this guys MySpace. Then he posted one of the questionnaire things that were popular at the time, one of the questions was who did you last kiss? And his answer was my ex.

MySpace Tom had my back.

Edit: a lot of you seem to think that she might have been browsing the internet, this was a time before internet was available on your phone, there was nothing to do on a phone other than call and text.

Most phones also didn’t screen locks with passwords or facial recognition, anyone could get on your phone so the best way to avoid this would be hide it. Or sleep with it under your pillow so if someone does try to get it, they wake you up.

Image credits: Cophed

#26

I guess I kinda allowed this to happen, but it still hurt just the same:

It was a couple of months after my Grandpa passed, and I hadn't given her the D at all in that time. Funny thing grief.....it f***s up so many things in the body.......anyway, in my grief ridden stupor, I trusted her when she said she was going for a drive with a friend to cut loose a bit. I was okay with it because i wanted her to have a good time and not be stuck in the house with my depressed a*s. She got home in a good mood and I didn't think anything of it till she went to wash *just* her underwear. I checked her phone that night after she fell asleep, and apparently, she had been talking to this guy for about a month. They had done the deed, and she wanted to make me out as the bad guy when I confronted her about it, with the evidence from her phone, saying I "pushed her to it by not having sex with her." I kicked her out in a hury, and don't really remember much except she was the one yelling and screaming. I was pretty much just numb, and I don't think I really proceeded it till almost 2 weeks later.

#27

They’re getting texts from Pizza Hut

Image credits: JoYac35

#28

Glued to their phone and texting a lot more. Also a lot more cancelled plans and excuses for not seeing each other.

Image credits: mackinoncougars

#29

when you come home and someone has eaten your jam

Image credits: B-dubs_

#30

When they suddenly start taking extra interest in their appearance and getting in shape by “going for walks” even up to 10 pm by the time they return and they don’t answer your worried calls because “they had music on with headphones”. And when you ask them why they didn’t answer it’s because “they didn’t hear the calls come in” despite you having the exact same phone and know that the incoming calls cut over the music.

#31

When you finally get off of work early for once after working doubles and instead of txting your boyfriend that you’re on your way home you stop and get their favorite McDonald’s meal and iced coffee with your last $10 until payday as a sweet surprise I’m home/I love you gesture and you’re greeted in the hallway with them coming towards you with a shocked and angry look saying “you were trying to catch me doing something” as you’re standing there holding the food and drink in your hands like??
?
??☕️

We were together 6 years before I got the guts to leave. It was only a couple weeks after that happened.

#32

They tell you in a moment of anger, then try to pull it back.

#33

when their roommates ask to meet with you privately, and tell you that your gf was having someone over in their room with the music on loud

the same thing she'd do when we'd get busy at her place

edit: first time ever, RIP my inbox ...

more context: this was in 2009, we were almost 4 years into our relationship, I was getting ready to defend my thesis for my Master's and she was applying to PhD programs. I was willing to move with her wherever she went, and even had my mom help me find a nice white gold ring with a sapphire (the ex-g/f hated diamonds) as an engagement ring.

#34

If they accuse you of cheating constantly

#35

They're "working late" but their paychecks aren't changing.

Image credits: MichiganGeezer

#36

When my husband cheated, it was definitely the phone. He was hiding at night when he’d go to bed. Also, wouldn’t ever let me go to work related get togethers that the other spouses would attend.

Image credits: Pinkbuttercream85

#37

When you get a STD when you were previously clean.

#38

They stop being intimate with you and also guarding and sleeping with their phone under the pillow

Image credits: Katrinab0831

#39

When they suddenly start keeping their phone to themselves when previously you had an open phone policy.

Image credits: ExoticThunderstorm

#40

They answer "It wasn't me!" No matter what evidence there is.

I mean, picture this: They were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor. And they try to gaslight you, and say it wasn't them.

You're listening to their story, it makes no sense at all.

#41

These days, watch their phone behaviour, for starters.

Do they hide the screen when you walk behind them? Have they added a password or changed the password? (This may be innocent but could be suspicious.) Are they texting into the wee hours of the night while neglecting you? Have they disabled the little notifications that pop up without having to unlock the phone?

Some of these might not be a problem on their own, but you'll often notice other behaviours at the same time, like they ignore and neglect you more, find reasons to be in another room, take their phone to the bathroom all the time, or go for lots of breaks away from you.

You're on the lookout for secretive behaviours, neglect, and distance.

Image credits: cabalavatar

#42

Changing passwords to devices after being okay with you having access to them. Lack of intimacy over long stretches of time. No longer wanting to sleep next to you at all, go on dates, or do anything a couple would usually do. And my biggest flag is finding things that you're damn sure aren't yours, but they try to pass the item off like it's always been yours.

I'll never have 'solid' proof that I was cheated on, but my instincts were screaming it when our sex life went away, then he wanted to sleep on the couch every single night. Then he started changing his passwords as my paranoia kicked in. First fight happened at this point. Next came him keeping me out of photos on purpose that he would share on his social media accounts, just in case people thought we were dating, which we were. That was when I caught him talking to someone through PS4 and online, she thought he was single. Fight two happened then and I was in denial because he was gaslighting me so much. It escalated to him wanting to be gone every weekend 'to a buddy's house' and I was never allowed to come along and eventually I found makeup in my car after one of those Pal Weekends. I don't wear makeup unless it's a special occasion, usually, and when I do wear it, it's only around my eyes so I know this didn't belong to me as it was lip gloss. Final fight and we didn't stay together.

To everyone out there, it usually starts small and gets bigger over time. Trust yourself to see the signs and leave.

#43

- You call her cell Saturday night, a guy answers tell you he is your wife's boyfriend.

- Your spouse has had emergency meetings about work every Saturday night for the past 15 weeks. Can't explain why an Amazon order puller has so many late night emergency work meetings.

- You found the video she made on r/gonewild. Her, her best friend and her best friend's husband in a three-way...in the master bedroom of the apartment you just moved into

- She has a lot of male cousins who visit. Or men she calls her cousins

#44

You come home exhausted from work and your partner accuses you of cheating.

#45

When your stomach feels distance and disconnect it’s time to dig and hope your gut instinct was wrong this time. Mine wasn’t and found out all I needed to know to end my marriage.

#46

That smell. You know the one I mean, too.

#47

When they get real antsy… like they’re afraid you know something

#48

It's happened to me a few times now, and invariably there is a seismic shift in the relationship. I can remember pinpointing the day something changed, and suddenly you aren't being texted first, they're busy and can't hang out as much, and sex almost always stops or becomes very infrequent. The partner seems colder, further away, and less enthusiastic. It's hard to describe, but you can feel something is off. At least, it's always been that way, in my opinion.


What's worse is the times when you confront them about the change in the dynamic, and they tell you nothing's wrong, or nothing's changed, and you feel like you're going crazy because you know something off, but you don't want to push it and be needy or clingy. And you suffer silently until you push it or the truth inevitably comes out.

#49

They have a burner phone or burner social media account that either you don't know about or they won't friend you on

Image credits: ruvol23

#50

An interesting one I haven't seen in the comments yet:
They start doing more, more small gifts, more help around the house, and simply just more involved in the relationship. This isn't always the reason why there was a sudden shift, but this can be an easily missed sign. The shift can happen because they feel guilty and are trying to make it up to you, it could be them trying to manipulate you into never even considering the idea of them cheating because they're so considerate, or maybe it's them trying to make it up to you without telling you.

This isn't a sign of cheating on its own though, it's just a sign that maybe you need to pay more attention and be alert to the relationship. The reasoning for paying more attention is: maybe they're struggling with depression or stress, or they've realized they've been a bit absent, or maybe you have, or any other number of reasons; Which is why it's a sign To be alert and figure out why there's a shift.

Image credits: TheFrostyrune

#51

I've never been cheated on to my knowledge but I suspected a person I dated recently of cheating. I'm not sure if it was true or my insecurities but the reasoning was.

1. Hung out with former FWB and didn't text me back the entire day while she did

2. Had to ask for info, she said she wouldn't want to know if situations were flipped

3. After I'd accused her of cheating we hooked up and she kept hiding her face and didn't want to kiss.

4. Refusal to show proof on my terms and insisted I needed to trust her blindly

5. Giggled/laughed when I asked if they'd hooked up on this past trip

All these were enough for me to have enough doubt that I was or would be cheated on. Either I'm not ready or I got out early enough to avoid real hurt

#52

When your wife's boyfriend offers to put you up at a hotel.

#53

Phone suddenly facedown during meals, tv time, etc.

I know some people do this out of politeness, but if they suddenly start doing it when they never did before, that’s a pretty big giveaway they don’t want you to see notifications.

#54

You’re no longer a priority

#55

So, this happened a very long time ago. I had recently filed for divorce from my ex husband and I began to date another guy. I was very naïve about dating since I hadn't dated anyone in 20 years. This guy showered me with roses, dinners, jewelry and he liked to drink. I didn't understand anything about binge drinking. As time went on I started to see that it was going to be a problem. When he drank, he became a different person and one day he came home with a new cellphone for me and he help me set everything up. I didn't know at the time, he bought it so he could keep tabs on me. One day I was in the shower getting ready for work and he came to my house and stormed in the bathroom and ripped the shower curtain back while I was bathing and he started yelling at me about not answering the cell phone. Then he started accusing me of cheating with my male coworkers. He terrorized me one night, drunk and out of his mind with a gun. That was it. I did a midnight move and I was gone. I found out that he started cheating on me when he felt he couldn't control me anymore. I should have known better.

#56

When your driving by a mutual acquaintance house, see her car, go to the front door and see her and mutual acquaintance half naked making out on the couch through the front window. You knock on the door and without looking to see who it was, acquaintance flips you off and waves you away. You, out of anger, punch and break acquaintance's front window. Since acquaintance doesn't know who it is he grabs a bat and runs out the door...but you are already at your car driving away. You drive a very recognizable car so he knows and calls the cops. You get lucky and the female cop feels very bad for you and let's you off with a warning because you offer to pay for the window. Turns out it's a 110 year old house and the window is $700. So now your out $700 and a girl friend of 4 years.

#57

They’re on their phone all the time and they take great pains in keeping you from it. If you knew their password and they’ve changed it and won’t tell you. Also they’ll start complaining that you don’t try them and they have no privacy. Even if this never bothered them in the past.

#58

She's having migraines all the time and John Redcorn, a spiritual healer, has not been able to correct them with 3 to 5 weekly sessions over 12 years.

#59

When your SO micromanages your schedule

#60

If your wife is playing "Second Life" and flirting with other guys on that platform.

#61

Has two phones that belong to them under his or her expense which both have service.

Another is one makes a lot of money but most of it disappears in a week end while partner pays all bills thus why always short on money