Today my Psychiatrist upped my Prozac to 40mg daily.

This is double the 20 mg I have been taking since the end of April.

Thinking about how this came to be, I am sad, mad and glad that it happened. Taking medication, along with therapy seems like a straight-forward process. You see a doctor, get a pill, your cured! Reality is nothing like that.

I am sad because took a week after my Psychiatrist appointment for me to understand that I had not been completely truthful.

My Concealed Depression kicked in big time as I walked into the room and I was my old, “hide your feelings at all cost” self. This is not a good strategy when you are trying to recover and lead a balanced life.

This made me mad at myself for not being honest, for hiding how I was truly feeling.

Depression saw this as a chance to keep me down, to derail my recovery and it stepped in big time. Recently, I have been very good at catching unhelpful thinking. Sometimes I do it immediately, almost always within a few hours.

It took a week for me to understand that I had not been clear with my Psychiatrist about how I was doing. This takes me right back to “shoulding” on myself. That never ends well.

It turns out you can be in recovery and not be “cured.” In fact, living with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a lifelong endeavor. And I can be making great strides in some areas while still needing help in others. (Hmm, that sounds a lot like life.)

Finally, I am glad that it happened.

After seven days, I made the call to my Psychiatrist and outlined what I had not told him in our last visit. This included on-going sleep issues and my gaining almost seven pounds in the past few weeks. Then there is the lack of enjoyment associated with the daily things that I used to take great pleasure in, working in the yard, keeping my home office organized. And I wont even mention my ongoing struggle with guilt and shame.

40 mg of Prozac is what we agreed on. I started this larger dose today.

I am to report my progress in three weeks to my Psychiatrist, sooner if there are any significant side effects. The next option may be to add a second type of drug that works in concert with the Prozac. That’s the future.

For today, I am doing the drugs.

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