As I was sitting up thinking last night, like I always do, I realized something.  I was not only trying to replace Geoff because I was afraid to be alone romantically, but I was trying to "replace" my Brother.  For anybody who doesn't know, my brother is my best friend.  I can tell him anything, rely on him for anything, and I know that if I call, he'll pick up.  For the past two years, we've had a lot of time to hang out since we went to the same school, and I started to rely on him more and more, whether it be to make friends or to just have someone to have dinner with.  It was nice to have someone at school who I could call any time I wanted to and I'd never have to go to Powell and eat alone or just sit by myself between classes.  He introduced me to his friends and things were easy-I didn't have to try to make friends on campus because I had him and his friends.

So when graduation was coming closer and my brother was getting ready to move back to NY, I panicked. I don't like being that girl who sits alone for dinner, or who has nobody to hang out with on a weeknight.  Suddenly I was finding myself afraid that that is what my life would become.  I'm very shy, which has a lot to do with my self-confidence, so I have a hard time making friends.  If I'm around my brother, I tend to be more outgoing because he won't let me just sit in the corner by myself.  He makes sure I'm included in conversation and I'm able to be myself because I now that at least one person in a group isn't judging me.  My brother and I have been through a lot and, as I've already said, he's my best friend.

I was terrified.  Terrified that the friends I'd made through him would suddenly not think I was good enough anymore.  Terrified that I'd spend the entire summer sitting by myself and feeling sorry for myself.  Terrified that not only was I losing my marriage and Geoff, but now losing my best friend.  I scrambled to replace both of them, to make a friend that my brother hadn't introduced me to, and to replace Geoff emotionally.  I thought that maybe if I found someone new to spend time with, it wouldn't suck so much that my brother wasn't around.  It was hard when mom moved home, but when my brother did, I was suddenly bereft of my family in Kentucky.  Alone for the first time since 2009, when they moved here, and trying to figure out what to do.  I was using my brother as a crutch.  I didn't have to make friends because I had my built in best friend right here.  If I wanted to go out for dinner, I just had to call.  If I needed someone to hang out with, he was there.  I tried to find someone new to fill that hole before my brother left, so that maybe I wouldn't miss him as much.

It wasn't worth it.  It didn't change how much I miss my brother and instead added a new level of sadness to my being alone during the week.  My friends work, they can't just hang out at the drop of a hat and they have other friends to hang out with.  I know things will get easier when I get back to school because I won't be alone all the time.  I'll have my new nursing classmates to bond with-I'll have class with the same people every semester for the next 2 years, give or take a few who drop/fail/join.  I'll have Autumn to go for walks around the Stratton Pond with and to go out to dinner with.  I even know I'll have that when I move to Richmond, but until then, it's just me.  I had all of these plans for the summer and felt the need to see the new guy constantly so I wasn't sitting at home alone feeling sorry for myself.  I really wasn't fair to him at all because, while I do truly care about him, there was no way he could fill the holes left in my life.  My brother is still there for me, and I know he always will be, but he's not here for me to call and say "hey, let's go to the fair."

I'm lonely.  It sucks.  I need to find a new hobby, read some books that I've been meaning to read, do some things I like to do.  I need to not rely on other people for my entertainment but instead figure out what it is that I want to do.  I'll work on my weight and my own self worth-I've already begun to self actualize and look in the mirror every morning to tell myself I'm worth it and other nice things.  I'm in "fake it til you make it" mode.  The more I try to convince myself I'm happy, the happier I'll be.  I'll go to North Carolina this weekend and spend time with some of my amazing "e-friends."  I'll go to NY in July and spend time with my family, and I'll move to Richmond and create a new life there.  The college life I always wanted but never really had.  I'll go out with friends, study hard, and do the things that I want to do when I want to do them.  If I want to go to the bar?  I'll go.  If I want to stay home and watch sappy movies?  I will.  I'll learn to survive on my own, to truly let people in, and to be happy being me.  After school ends, when I get my nursing degree?  I'll move home.  Back to NY where I have a huge support system and some amazing friends.  But for now, I'll learn to rely on myself and the friends I do have.  I'll have to look back at the times I've been hurt and realize, as my friend Holli said, that those times have helped mold me into the person I am today.  A person who cares fully and would do anything to make someone else happy.

Some day, I'll meet someone new.  For now?  I'm going to try to make the best of my last two years before I'm a full-fledged adult with a career.  I'm going to go out, have fun, and enjoy being single.  This is the promise I keep making to myself.  No more crutches, I'm going to learn to walk on my own two feet.  How to make friends and keep the ones I have, because I have some amazing friends.  I can do whatever I want-I need to embrace the freedom instead of focusing on the loneliness.  Because I'll be lonely, there will be times where it's unbearable, I'm sure.  I just have to learn how to deal with it and start calling my friends to see if they want to hang out instead of waiting for them to call me.  It's going to take time, but I'm starting to see that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's not 100% within my grasp right now, but every day it moves closer, inch by inch.  The more I talk about it, whether through writing or through venting to a friend, the better I feel.  It's a long road, and there's going to be bumps along the way, but I know that after I get through all of this I'll be stronger and more ready for the real world.  Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.