In this image, I was almost 17 years old, 5'6" tall, and around 155 lbs.  I wore a size 4/5 consistently and sometimes even a 3.  And I was told I was fat.  By an adult.  See how my shorts are awkwardly bunched in the front?  Those shorts are a 2XL because my coach, who will remain nameless, bullied me into thinking I was too fat for the size that actually would fit-a medium.  He tried to bully me out of the large size shirt I am wearing in the picture but I stood my ground on that one because my soccer number was 17 and I wasn't giving that up to wear what he deemed more acceptable.  This 40-something man decided to bully a 17 year old girl, and I let him.

Now, it needs to be said that this man would either bully you, ignore you, or sexually harass you.  Several other girls on the team were called "big girls" by him, one even developing an eating disorder, while others were flirted with and even pulled onto his lap and tickled.  Eventually, he was reported, but the effects of his abuse are long lasting.  I have major body image issues-I look in the mirror and see someone disgusting, someone with huge fat rolls that nobody could ever find attractive.  If I see a picture of my face, I'm looking to see if I have a double chin.  If it's full body?  Do I look like I have cankles?  Is my shirt too tight?  It's hard to get past things like this, hard enough when it's your peers who are making fun of you, that's to be expected.  But when it's an adult, someone who should advocate against bullying and help teens grow up with healthy self image and confidence?   It makes it so much worse.

I actually know why this man bullied me.  His own lack of self worth based on sports in high school created a situation where he had to feel superior.  Why was I a target?  I wasn't even that good, I just played because I loved it.  The simple answer is: my dad.  They went to school together and while my dad was on varsity teams as a freshman and sophomore, my coach went through like the typical athlete: JV in 9th and 10th grade and Varsity in 11th and 12th.  Dad played two of the same sports as this man and, instead of accepting that people can be better than you in sports (heck, no matter how good you are there's always going to be someone better somewhere), he chose to harbor a resentment.  Instead of acting like a man and getting over what he deemed to be slights?  He took them out on me.  He would tell me that I was fat, not good enough, couldn't kick the ball accurately, and other forms of verbal abuse.

But I chose to stick it out.  That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done-sticking to something I loved despite the fact that I was being abused.  There was even a point where I chose to fake an injury (and subsequently actually injure myself, causing permanent damage to my left knee) just to avoid the embarrassment in not playing during senior night in my senior year.  Over the course of my soccer "career" I think I played a total of 30 minutes per year for the outdoor team.  But that's okay, I know I'm not the best player in the world, I just love the sport.  I played indoor soccer with the guys under an amazing coach (as well as my dad after the first year or so) and it was so much more fun.  There was no "you're fat" drama, just a fun time playing the sport I love.  I went on to be the assistant coach under my dad for the boys team that my brother played on and had a blast.  I learned to be a better player, a smarter player, and how to just have fun without being self conscious that my shorts were too short or tight.

Despite my positive experiences outside of the JV and Varsity teams, I still have that pang of not being good enough.  The desire for a totally flat stomach and stick thin legs that "look good" in shorts.  I still see pictures of how I looked back then and find flaws.  I was afraid to wear shorts, tube tops, tank tops, swimsuits, and any type of skirt because my "huge legs" would be made fun of.  Even now I don't wear shorts or skirts and my biggest self consciousness comes from my lower body.  I let him win for so long, let his taunts and comments get to me.  This adult, who in his 40s chose to pick on a 14-17 year old girl because he was jealous of her father, destroyed my self confidence.  Yes, I got crap from my peers, but that somewhat subsided when I had a growth spurt after 8th grade.  The biggest influence on my body image issues was a coach, a teacher, someone who should have been watching out for me.  I think that's what made it so hard to get over.