It’s Friday, the end of the work week and I still have some trouble managing to move around normally. I still feel like my belly is tender. The bleeding is getting lighter. I also have trouble having bowel movements. Now it seems like I am getting constipated. Having to go with this kind of difficulty makes my Uterine Area feel even more sensitive. I am not taking the pain meds as frequently. I really just want to feel what is wrong before I pop pills every 4 hours as the nurse recommended. I go to work and then prepare for a friend’s visit from out of town later in the day. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
My friend invites me out to dinner and I meet up with her about a 10-minute walk away. I feel fine. After a 2-hour dinner and then a short walk for dessert and coffee for another 2 hours, I started to feel the pressure of sitting upright for such a long period of time. I kept pretending it was just menstrual cramps. I couldn’t take it and had to cut the night short.
I went home and lay down on the couch with my legs up. I kept feeling little shocks in my uterine area. I took two Tylenol. I felt gassy and uncomfortable. Ever since I started the procedure, my digestive system hasn’t been the same. I went to bed with my Boyfriend holding me. I couldn’t even handle being by his side too long. I had to lay flat on my back to feel calm and relaxed. Something down there hurts when I am on my side. Ughh.
I felt like I made such a Big Mistake. I only hoped and prayed that my women parts still worked after all this. I lay there thinking that I fucked myself up for life. You know how when you feel so awful you start making promises to God about how you are going to change this and that? Well, I made a heck of a lot promises on this day. Promises to myself and to God.
I was weighing the pros and cons list in my head and then thought about how selfish it was of me and my boyfriend to kill this Baby because it would be so inconvenient to us. I think the scariest realization of mine at that moment was that the cons me and my boyfriend had written up were made up with as much fantasy bullshit as the mommy fantasy was in supporting the pros of keeping the baby. The cons were that we couldn’t because we would have to get married. We couldn’t because his parents would ostracize him for getting a girl pregnant before marriage. We couldn’t because he was broke. We couldn’t because we would be parents and no longer the cute young couple. Bullshit.
We could have done it. We could have raised this baby. I could have done it on my own. But I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend. I didn’t want to accept that he was changing as soon as I started mentioning the possibility of keeping the baby. His face and body and energy changed towards me. It was like the horrible sound and terror after experiencing an earthquake when I said, “What if I keep it?” There was a big shift in the air. He said under his breath, “I’m going to go away”. When I asked him to repeat it he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was a coward. I realized he was a coward and I felt like I wanted nothing to do with this baby if it was going to come from a bastard and dog like him. As you can see, I was so fucking confused. I hated him. I hated this situation.
I aborted this baby for him and for my selfish needs. I stupidly accepted that he was this inadequate person who showed signs that he would not be there for me if I went through with this. I am an idiot for protecting him. I killed a baby to protect our relationship and for that I will never forgive myself. I knew this going in to the clinic. I had all this hate in me – toward myself for being in a relationship like this and sacrificing a baby for a man’s needs, for my needs in wanting this idiot man to love me and not leave me. I wished I would have talked to more people I could trust. I didn’t do that and rushed in. That was a big mistake.
This post first appeared on Not The Easy Way Out. | My Experience Taking RU-48, please read the originial post: here