Body image is something I've struggled with for my entire life. Ever since I was a little kid, I obsessed with being 'thin enough' and having the 'right proportions', which eventually lead to me developing an eating disorder at the age of 12. I quickly went from being the tall, chubby kid to basically a twig. My friends complimented me on my weight loss, and I thought that I would finally be happy with myself because I lost over 10kg and could now consider myself 'skinny', but it doesn't work like that. One, I was extremely unhealthy and my Body definitely didn't like me for it, and two, I still hated the way I looked even though I reached my 'goal'. Eventually my eating thankfully improved, but was still no where near 'healthy' and I definitely wasn't getting the energy and nutrients I needed (I'm still not to be honest but at least I am eating).

I only recently really realised (oh my god that sounds weird) that all throughout high school I was underweight. My whole teenage/high school life I was obsessed with being 58kg or under, it was always that one number for some reason, but the lowest weight I should ever be at while still being healthy is over 60kg because I'm really tall. But as soon as I finished high school my body started changing and I freaked out. I've never been 'curvy' or had hips, people used to describe my body type as a 'ruler' because I was literally just straight up and down, but last year my body decided to give me hips, which I actually always wanted but as soon as it happened I didn't for one particular reason: I gained back that 10kg I lost when I was a kid and went up a size.

I'm not saying that I'm 'fat', because I'm definitely still thin but compared to what I used to look like, I'm a lot chubbier, and gaining that weight made me feel like shit. It took me back to when I hated my body the most, and my first instinct was to stop eating (thankfully I didn't do that, but I still have days every now and then where I just don't want to eat). My stomach sticks out a lot more, my arms are flabby, my double chin doubled in size and my thighs are bigger, plus some of my old clothes don't fit me anymore. That is all OK though. I always tell other people that these things don't define their worth as a person, so why should it define mine? Why should having stomach that sticks out (which literally everyone has because everyone has organs) make me feel worthless and like I'm not good enough for anyone? I'm completely fine, and a lot healthier than I used to be.

I don't want to go back to what I was. When I suddenly put on weight, my first reaction was to get rid of it, but I know now that doing that would mean being weaker and unhealthy. I want to be strong and healthy, so I can never go back to '58kg and under'. I'm slowly getting better with accepting my 'new' body, and not punishing myself for gaining weight (which a lot of other people do too, but honestly, gaining weight isn't always a bad thing and definitely isn't the end of the world). I'm no where near being completely OK with how I look, I'm far from it, but I'm working on it and that is what's important. I'm not starving myself everyday, I'm not overworking my body or hurting it anymore, and that's amazing.

Body image is something most people struggle with because of the ridiculous, untouchable standards society projects to us daily. Right now the 'ideal' body type for women is 'slim-thick', where you're super curvy and have a Kim K ass but you have a tiny waist and flat stomach, a body type 99% of women don't have and could never have, me included. But I admit, it has affected me. Sometimes I do wish my ass was bigger, my stomach flatter, but why? It doesn't matter. The size of my ass doesn't determine if I'm a good person or a good friend, so why obsess over it? It's so important to love your body and feel comfortable with it, but it isn't all that you are. You are so much more than your looks, than your height or weight or any other number. I'm 67kg, the heaviest I have been since I was 11 years old, and that's OK.