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My Coming Out Story/ies

In honour of pride month I thought I would make this post. I also want to say that what happened in Orlando should never, ever happen again, and it shouldn't have happened in the first place. 50 beautiful people lost their lives just for being who they are, and my deepest sympathies go out to their loved ones. It really broke my heart and was a huge wake up call that there are people in the world who want people like me dead so much so that they would actually take action. I was afraid for so long, but I can't be anymore. I could also go on and on about how most news outlets failed to either report that the shooting was at an LGBT+ club, or that that particular night at the club was a Latin music night. It wasn't a terror attack on America, it was an attack on the LGBT community and POC.



Most people probably already know, but in case you do don't, I'm bi/pansexual and agender. Basically that means that gender isn't a major contributing factor to whether or not I want to date someone, and that I feel like I have no gender/don't identify with a gender (I made a whole post about it here). Obviously I am completely OK and accepting of who I am now, but it did take a long, long time to get here.

When I was a kid I had no idea that it was possible to not be straight or cis. I was just never exposed to, or told that LGBT+ people existed, which is funny because I clearly remember having a crush on a girl in my class when I was around 8. I also clearly remember telling myself that I didn't think I was a 'girl'. Little me was confused, but it was only because I wasn't aware that what I was feeling was possible and normal and OK.

But when I did learn about LGBT people...I was homophobic, I was transphobic, and most of it was directed towards myself. I remember screaming and crying when a family friend asked if I was gay, because to me that was the worst thing I could be and I didn't want anyone ever thinking that I was. That might have been the first sign to my mum, but I don't know if she actually remembers it.

When I was 12, I had two friends who were sisters, one at the time identified as a lesbian, and the other bi (i think?). I guess through being friends with them I slowly began to become more accepting, but I was still in complete denial...and having one of those girls basically sexually assault me behind the bleachers at a school soccer game didn't help (it surprisingly didn't make me even more homophobic though?). As I entered high school and grew older, I became even more accepting of LGBT+ people, but still didn't have much knowledge of non binary people, that came much later.

It suddenly hit me at 14 that I liked girls. It was the first time I'd truly acknowledged, and admitted it, and it can't get more cliche than basically falling for my best friend (who I'm thankfully still best friends with and they are still one of the most important people in my life should out to Leo), who was the first person I told and came out to. They were also questioning their sexuality, so it made it easier and helped. They didn't have the same feelings for me though, and that is/was OK. It all sorted itself out eventually so I'm not going too much into that.

That year I also came out to my two best friends from school, which didn't go too great. At the time one was extremely homophobic (they once told me, to my face, that gay people deserve to die) so our friendship didn't stay the same. The other was supportive, which I'm thankful for. By the time I was 15 I was comfortable with my sexual orientation, and was considering telling my other friends in my group, which I did attempt to do with a joke but one girl didn't take it too well and her reaction was so bad that I had to tell her it was 'just a joke' and that I was 'straight'. That is when I went back to feeling ashamed of who I was, and couldn't even imagine myself telling anyone about this 'big dark secret'.

Unfortunately that secret was eating away at me. I didn't feel like myself. I was crying a lot, and my mum definitely noticed that something was up and asked what was going on, but I just couldn't tell her. I told her it was something personal (she assumed it was about sex at first which I cracked up laughing at). My dad and brother were also saying a lot of homophobic comments, so I felt like I couldn't tell my parents/family because I was scared, as most people are, of not being accepted by them. After talking to my then psychologist about it, and coming out to her, she tried to assure me that my family would be fine with it.

At 16 years old, I finally did it. A boy in my friend group at the time was going around asking my closest friends about my sexuality as he'd found my personal blog and I was terrified of him outing me (I basically hated him a lot at that point). It was on my way to do my learner drivers test that I was telling my mum about it, and she just looked at me and said 'it wouldn't matter if you were gay though. You'd still be you etc etc/other basic things 'accepting' straight people say'. I started crying and managed to say 'it really wouldn't matter?' and then she just reassured me that it was OK, and told me that she pretty much already knew that I wasn't straight. She then told my dad, who I didn't really talk to about it, but it was still a few months before I told my brother (who just looked at me and shrugged and said 'OK' and that was that). I was lucky.

I didn't come out 'officially' until high school basically ended. I planned on doing it in the last week of school so that if it all went wrong, it wouldn't really matter. My english teacher was the first person outside of my two friends and family that I told because I wanted some backup/support just in case and she was a super accepting person (and one of my favourite teachers ever so I felt comfortable talking to her). She suggested I wait to tell everyone until after formal so I wouldn't be stressing too much, and I agreed. I can't remember exactly when I did it, but it was a few days before graduation. Basically I just made a really long facebook post because I was scared and didn't know how else to do it. No one reacted badly at all. Actually, everyone was really accepting and most of my friend group already kind of knew. Again, I was super lucky that my experience was a good one, and not a horror story that so many people go through. I'm aware of how lucky I am.

I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and just as quickly another one was put on top of me, and I didn't know what it was. Through the internet I started learning more about transgender and non binary people who at first I didn't believe were real, it took a long time to understand what 'non binary' meant. For so long I believed that people were either 'male' or 'female', and that there was nothing in between or other than that, but when I finally learnt and understood that it was possible to identify as something other than cis, it suddenly hit me. I wasn't cis.

It took a long time for me to understand what I was feeling, and at some point I was identifying as 'genderfluid', but after learning more about gender and about myself, I came realise that that wasn't me (I also decided on a preferred name after looking for a new one for a few months. 'Tobi' was a suggestion from a friend and it just stuck. Sometimes I wonder if there is actually another name that is more 'me' but I'm OK with Tobi. I feel like a 'Tobi').

I've settled on identifying as 'agender', but I personally don't cling to labels like I once used to (I used to obsess over labelling every little thing I was feeling, but it got way too excessive and I realised I didn't need all those labels to be myself). Anyway, I told my best friend when I was first questioning my gender, and after coming out in terms of my sexual orientation, coming out as non binary was a lot easier. I kind of just did it. I started making posts online about it and that was that, but coming out to my family was still hard.

The time I decided I wanted to come out to my mum, I told my doctor about it, who then helped me get in to headspace and see a psychologist. The lady I ended up seeing was still a student, but because she was learning she listened and in a way, understood better about my gender worries and identity. Once I was comfortable and ready, I came out to my mum in one of my sessions, and she was....well, extremely confused, and that's OK. She still is confused, but when you live in a society that tells you there is only two genders, it can be a really hard thing to comprehend. My mum then told my dad and I later told my brother myself. None of them use my preferred name, but they don't use my birth name anymore, and I've accepted that compromise. They still don't fully understand, but they Are cis so they probably never will fully understand, but they are trying their best and I am extremely thankful and lucky because not everyone has a family who will do that, or accept them.

My identity is still being erased by so many people. Cishet white boys online all constantly joke about 'sexually identifying as a hamburger' or something fucking stupid like that. I will, at some point, make a post about why labels can be important for a lot of people (and why they shouldn't be made fun of, no matter how excessive they seem). Thankfully though, I have the support and (mostly) acceptance from my friends and family, and most importantly myself. That is all I need right now.


This post first appeared on Tobi Life Forever, please read the originial post: here

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My Coming Out Story/ies

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