I've had this blog for a few months now, and although I love to post about fashion and beauty, I thought it would also be good to post something more personal, so you guys can get to know me better. It is also Mental Health Awareness month, so I thought I'd touch on the subject (a very heavy one) a bit.

Hi. I'm Tobi, but that isn't my 'legal/birth/real' name. I'm not going to say my birth name, as that is not who I am, or a name I'm comfortable using. So, I'm Tobi, an agender, bisexual, very confused person. Confused because I'm not quite sure who I am or what I'm doing with my life, but honestly, who does? (no one, probably). I mean, I have 'plans' but who knows if they will actually happen. I plan on moving to Brisbane, I plan on studying interior design and fashion at uni, I plan on working in the fashion or interiors industries, but I'm only 19 so that could all change so quickly. All I know is that whatever I do, I want to be creative, which is weird because literally all my subjects at school except english and music were math/science related...and I was somehow really good at them, even though math makes me want to claw my face off. Obviously my career path won't be one that focuses on math.

I graduated high school two years ago and haven't really done much since. The unemployment rate in my town is absolutely horrendous, so getting a job has been a nightmare (two years and I'm yet to get one). I would go to uni, except the only one here offers nothing at all that I'm interested in, or that connects to what I want to do so I would need to move to attend uni. But to do that I need money....which means I need a job...you can see why I have been feeling like I'm 'stuck' and like I'm getting no where in my life. Which I guess kind of leads me in to the topic of mental health, something I've always struggled with.

Everyone who meets or knows me knows I'm awkward and shy. But I'm not shy in a healthy/'normal' way, more in a 'I have social anxiety so bad that I have panic attacks when I talk to too many strangers for too long'. Social anxiety, and anxiety in general is something I've had since I was very young, and something I'm probably going to be dealing with for most of my life. It does get better, but it also gets worse, it's more like a roller-coaster than constant, gradual recovery. I think the worst it has ever gotten was when I was about 14. I literally couldn't leave my house without having a panic attack and fearing that something horrible was going to happen to me if I left the comfort of my home. I missed so much school, I'm surprised I managed to keep up with everyone. When I did go to school, I spent the majority of the time alone in the sick bay, avoiding everything and everyone. When I managed to get to a class, I'd most likely have a panic attack and leave, which a few kids laughed at me for doing. My parents didn't know what was happening, they believed I was physically sick as I was constantly complaining about stomach cramps, nausea, numb hands, dizziness...all the symptoms of anxiety. This was before I was diagnosed, I should mention, and both my parents and I were in denial for a long time about it. The doctors became my second home, and the amount of tests I had done to try and figure out what my body was doing was ridiculous, and obviously, nothing came up. Medication was mentioned, but I completely shut down and refused. I didn't want to seem 'weak'. I wanted to be 'normal'.

Eventually my anxiety started getting better, and I'm still not sure how or why. It just suddenly was OK and I went back to normal-ish (normal for someone who has chronic mental illness, I guess). Then I just had the idea of having anxiety looming over me, and realised that it was something, along with my depression and horrible self esteem, that I had to work on (I'm still working on both those things). It's a horrible mix. Depression and anxiety usually go hand in hand. Your depression tells you that no one likes you, that you're not good enough and there's no point, and your anxiety tells you that people are going to be judging you, picking you apart, that something is definitely going to go wrong.

When I was 15 I met a girl online, who I developed a strong connection with. She made me happier than anyone else could, and understood what I was going through like no one else did. The only difference was, though, was that her mental illness was far, far worse than mine, as in, she was constantly self harming and attempting suicide. It was a heavy feeling, not knowing if when I logged back in to social media that she'd be there. She was one of the best friends I'd ever had. When she eventually, unfortunately passed away, I was devastated. I remember going to school the day after finding out and just crying the whole day. I didn't care if I was a mess, (and I don't know why my mum sent me to school in the first place) I was so far beyond heartbroken. Losing someone to suicide is something I would never wish on anyone. You constantly question whether there was anything more you could do, if anything you said could have triggered it to happen, or if you could have somehow saved them. But honestly, there is nothing you really can do. It isn't anyones fault when something like that happens, mental illness is the only thing at fault in these situations. I promised myself, and her, that I would never, ever end my own life knowing how horrible it is for those left behind. I wonder if she had more access to help if she would have gotten through it, if there were more psychologists and specialists available to her, but I will never know.

Mental illness is something that affects so, so many people. It affects me, my family, my friends and people all over the world. Raising awareness is so important for people to understand how it works and affects peoples lives, and also understanding how, where, and when to seek help. I urge anyone who thinks they might be struggling to reach out. If you're a teenager or young adult, go to a doctor and ring headspace. It may take a bit to get in, but it's free if you can't afford to go to a private practice.


I have been on medication for two years now, and it isn't something I'm ashamed about anymore. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't define me, it just helps me get through my day and feel ok, normal-ish. Mental illness can be treated in many different ways, but don't ever feel weak or ashamed if you need medication. It doesn't change who you are, it helps you be who you are. Like when you get tonsillitis and need antibiotics (which no one feels shame by doing) to get back to being healthy and able to go about your life. If you're sick, physically or mentally, you need to do what you can to get better, and that is what I did.