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How to lose weight without going to the gym

Tags: food skinny worry


I have always been on the Skinny side. I can't stick to diets and I actually have a tried and tested method of losing weight that doesn't involve clean eating or exercise. Here are my secrets to staying skinny and fab!





Pay attention everyone! ;) (GIFS might take awhile to load)


Self-loathing



Losing weight is easy when you've accepted that fact that you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to exist. Nothing makes you think twice about eating that extra piece of donut from the pantry than standing naked in font of the mirror and checking all the pockets of fat and flab everywhere. I always make it a habit to check myself everyday when I wake up and before I go to sleep and berate myself for every calorie-laden food I ate that day. Rinse, repeat.


Anxiety and Insomnia

The constant fear and Worry of being good enough and meeting everyone's expectations works wonders for weight loss! All the negative and scary thoughts running around your mind late at night burns more calories than you think.  I worry about stress-eating even before I even start to crave for a snack!


Purging




Love junk food too much? Eat all the delicious and sinful food you want without gaining weight! All you need to do is to wiggle your fingers (or use a toothbrush) and barf up all the fattening stuff you just ate minutes ago in the bathroom! Who cares if there are people starving in 3rd world countries!?! Life is better when you can fit into sample sizes.



Human Sacrifice


If all else fails and you just can't manage to shed off those extra pounds then it's time to call on some higher (or lower) power to come to your aid.

Bathe in the blood of the most annoying person on your social media feed on a full moon and dance the Macarena 3 times in a public area.


For those who were born too young to know what the Macarena is, allow me to introduce to you one of the highest achievements in music and dance history :p







*Disclaimer: This regimen might not work for everyone especially if you are extremely lame. Those with heart ailments and birth defects should consult their local witch doctor before attempting Human Sacrifice.






This post is dedicated to preachy vegans and health nuts. 








Let people enjoy things.


Obviously this post is a joke. I do not support self-harm, murder or eating disorders in any way.  Social justice warriors holla! :)))
















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This post first appeared on Pinkoolaid, please read the originial post: here

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