I swear. Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.
I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.
If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…
Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.
Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.
Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.
Buckle up that car seat, kids.
Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.
And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.
Toddlers & Tiaras is back.
And it’s back with a vengeance.
The dry spell is over. After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face. But with an upgrade.
It’s Toddlers 2.0.
Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.
More Noise. More Mama Drama.
More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy. Then some more noise. And then some more Mama Drama.
And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.
Side note: Srly? Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head? How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?
Look at this poor kid. A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head. What the h***? She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.
There’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.
I love this show, BTW.
And now it’s back. And just in time.
After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…
…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.
Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.
Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants. Like…really.
You remember Cambrie. We heart her.
She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.
Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade. Dang, gurl.
Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots. If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.
But I don’t think I’m making that part up. Or I could be.
But we love her no matter what. She’s sassy.
Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.
A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.
Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.
She’s sassy, too.
Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.
Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.
For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease. Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.
Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.
I love her even more now.
Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.
As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.
Oh, yeah. It’s on.
The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.
Look at her.
And then look at her again.
Is she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?
Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.
Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog: Relax.
It’s all in fun. I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show. Nothing is ever done to be mean. It’s called Reality TV for a reason.
Just ask Paisley‘s Mom. Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.
Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?
They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.
They probably gave away our table by now.
Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.
Look at my dab.
Unfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.
Because Puke Happened.
Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool. Look at her.
Turns out it was a mobile spray tan machine. My bad.
Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?
Side note: Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers? I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.
Side note #2: One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens. Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.
You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head. You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace. You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head. And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King. What is that even all about?
And how does that even happen in Real Life?
Side note #3: Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.
I’m in the wrong biz.
Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.
I’m seriously in the wrong biz.
The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.
Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:
Can you even find her? She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.
It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.
Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription. Ouch.
Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.
Most likely because she had a tooth ache. Because she had a hole in her tooth.
Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.
Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.
Oh, wait. There she is.
I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.
The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.
Because, of course.
The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber. And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.
Mom was In. It. To. Win. It.
To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana. Really. She said that.
Or most of that, anyway.
And then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.
Am I wrong? I don’t think so.
Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients. But it’s ok.
Because she’s #Goals.
And she charges $175 for one class.
Cambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.
But you won’t learn anything.
To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.
Except for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.
She totally got all like that lady from Bring It!
Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.
Side note: Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:
Smartness. Beautiful. And Talent.
Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.
Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.
She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway. And it worked.
Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.
Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.
Is that even legal? No wonder they’re going out of business.
With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR. Because that’s what she does.
A few highlights from the visit:
Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too. I don’t care who you are.
Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with. Look at her face.
Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.
And then her Mom had a Moment.
Just. So. Proud.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started. The Bailey Bunch is in da house!
You remember Tonya. She did this once for some reason…
And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.
With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.
From the Book of Tonya:
“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”
“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”
“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”
No, of course not.
Well…maybe just a little.
And Todd was back as emcee!!
Dat’s rite, ladies. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.
Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.
I love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way. And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…
But that was then. This is now.
Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams. You go, boyeeeeee.
Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.
Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic. And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.
And it worked.
One Sip. Ding.
Two Sips. Ding Ding.
Three Sips. Ding Ding Ding.
Look at her in her Snuggie.
Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.
Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant. Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.
Which made Mom do this…
And then this…
And then it was over.
That fast. Over.
Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage. What?
Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.
I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.
Which is fine by me.
Toddlers is back.