Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.
Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.
So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap
Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.
You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.
If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.
I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.
Yeah. I’m talking to You.
You’ve got Big Dreams. You want Fame.
Well, Fame costs. And right here is where you start paying.
And you can quote me on that. Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.
Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.
The Queen is in the building. And that is awesome. And amazing. And inspiring.
And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time. But it doesn’t even matter.
Because it’s Debbie Allen.
And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.
Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.
After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.
3rd Street Dance to the rescue.
Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice. Or maybe that’s just me.
Regardless, the team scored a home for now.
Side note: I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.
True. It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early. It just happens.
So, anyway. Abby was MIA. Again.
Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up. Let’s go, people. Time is Money.
And now Nia was MIA, too. Or so they thought.
Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.
Two: Remember when kids used to play outside? Is that not a thing anymore?
Don’t even get me started. I don’t understand social media sometimes.
Or toe spins.
Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week. And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids. So moving right along. Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?
This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.
But NO Solos. Only Duets. Three of them.
Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis. Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang. Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.
Spoiler Alert: If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.
Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.
Newbies Peyton (…‘Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season: A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.
How much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray? And Christi.
And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray? How much did we love her? Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…
…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…
…except for that one right there, of course. What the What?
I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.
The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode. No love lost there, folks.
Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder. #OhNoSheDint.
Yes, she did. And Jill didn’t like it much. Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.
Truth: I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.
And don’t think I won’t try.
Side note: Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments. I don’t know why it is, but it is. Please do enjoy.
And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.
Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door. Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb. Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy. Trust me.
Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.
As the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.
Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel. Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance. Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.
And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.
Srsly. Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.
I know it’s an old building, but…gah.
Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.
Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before. Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial. I don’t even ask anymore. That phone’s memory card must be massive.
When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.
I love Debbie Allen. She’s strong. Inspirational. And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.
Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!
Plus, she was wearing a beret. Slightly askew. So you knew she meant bidnezz.
When Debbie Allen speaks, the room falls silent. Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.
She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.” YAAAAAAAAS!
And it just kept going. All to a crazy drum beat.
Not gonna lie. By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try. Success is a Journey. It is always in the making.” I was like…Call me a cab. I’m done.
Side note: When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey…
…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…
…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition…
…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.
I know, right? Mind. Blown.
The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t. Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.
Which…ok. I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.
She made this face a few times, tho. Not sure why.
Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together. Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.
It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.
You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles. Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.
Well, that started it, anyway.
I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason. Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.
Which Kerri didn’t handle very well. Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. Boom. #MicDropFace.
Production note: Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.
I know, Holly.
Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants. Kudos to whoever painted that mug.
But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.
Dance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause: As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season. And this week was Kerri’s time. Big Time.
She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door. You see that?
Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.
It was chaos. Security guys everywhere. Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone. There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.
But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.
It’s not easy being 6 years old. Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.
Been there. Done that. So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright. And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon. And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.
But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.
Full disclosure: I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup. It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic. So there you go.
And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition. Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.
The Mini duet ended up being amazing. For such little wieners, they both did great. They remembered the choreography and got the job done.
Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane. Nailed it. To a crazy drum beat.
Side note: There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie. It gave me anxiety it was so hyper. Sleepover Commercials 2.0…
Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over. It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.
And then they all went Bollywood, baby.
Fast forward: And then it was over.
No time for results this week. I know you Google that stuff anyway.
Kerri vowed to chillax. Or at least try. Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens. Which it will.
Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery. Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.
Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.
Because, you know…#Motivators.
And that’s it until next time. Get outta here.
Buh bye, now.