Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.
Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.
Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.
I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.
Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.
Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.
I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.
And not a minute too soon. Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.
My excitement for this show, I mean. That’s what I meant.
After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…
…Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.
The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.
I mean…Part 2.
Let’s just be honest here.
If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over. You win.
On the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much. You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.
I’m telling you right now. #POOP is the word.
It was everywhere. Literally.
As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi Goat poo landmines.
Srsly. It was panic in the streets.
People were stepping over it. Around it. On it. In it.
And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…
…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.
Spoiler Alert: I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good. I mean…
Can you even? Because I can’t.
And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.
According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.
And, honestly, I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.
Side note: How much do I love the Lyerlys? If that’s even how you spell it. Is it Lyerlies, like plural?
Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.
And Kelly? You don’t mess with Kelly. Because she will mess you up.
Check it out. I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.
It’s true, because it was on the internet.
Anyway. Back to #Poopgate.
Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.
Not one bit.
And you know who else wasn’t having it?
My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.
Girlfriend was NOT having it.
She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.
And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner. And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. Where do you even buy one of those? Not the Roomba. I’ve seen those at Best Buy. I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.
Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew: Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.
Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.
The Me and My Pet Pageant. With real animals.
What could possibly go wrong?
Side note: Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.
1. I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.
2. Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.
And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.#MicDrop.
First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.Spoiler Alert: Zebras.
Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.
I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.
And so did #JudgeJessica. Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.
The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.
As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.
While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.
Enter Employee of the Month Kim…
…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.
Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent. But whatever. I love Marcy.
Side note: At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more. Because…you know. Doody Doo. She’s in her 40s.
Side note 2: Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.
Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site. No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.
Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”
At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.
While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…
I dunno. Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab. I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.
Did I already show you this?
Because nothing else is making any sense right now.Thankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode. No ma’am. She’s my girl. Does TLC even read this thing?
And what about Nisa Hooper? Are we really going another week without Nisa?
We LOVE Nisa. Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…Or that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…
…and then Cambrie got all like…
Or maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet. I forget.
Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.
Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.
Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.Ron and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…
Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
Not even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.
I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.
Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room. Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.
Because she totally said that.
Newsflash: Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss. Just saying.
Kailia nailed her performance…
…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.
Side note: Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine. Look at her face.
And look at Mustache Guy. There he is again. He’s everywhere in this show!
I know who he is now, too. Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.
But I’m not telling you.
Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene. It’ll be fun.
Gah. She’s cute.
#Poopgate Round 3: This is when it really hit the fan backstage.
Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.
All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.
This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.
And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch? Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.
And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.
They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey. This is TLC.
Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?
And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…
Excuse me? I don’t think so. Not with kids in the car.
I almost forgot about the pageant.
Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro. Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.Side note: Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.
Because that happened next.
Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine. Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.
But she still did great.
And Mom was proud.
So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.
And then it was over.
Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.
But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.
The Short Version: The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter. They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.
Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon. But the two girls are still Besties. So don’t you worry.
And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme! The Big One.
Mom was all like…
And Kailia cried she was so happy.
When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.
The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.
During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.
And a judge photobombed the Winner.
Poop there it is.