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I'm Going To Punch You In The Face!

Whoosh! Whoosh! Whish! Those are the sounds of us being whisked around the world by our ponytails. From Australia to China to India to the couch country and beyond, our eight remaining soldiers have horrified and delighted. We laughed, we cried, we made tiny Mallory voodoo dolls and stabbed them repeatedly with kitchen knives. But, none of that matters now. Everything rests on the bikini'd heat of Brazil. Colorful, loud, bedazzled Brazil. The land that spews out a supermodel every four seconds seems happy and festive on the outside, but it's really a cauldron of sadism and alcoholics (yes, I've already booked my ticket) on the inside. Beneath all that hip shaking and those mahogany colored bodies, Brazil is fiercely prejudiced against all things Yeti. Fluffy is verboten. Wooly is abhored. Hirsute is denied. No velvet paintings here my friends. Everything is smooth, slick, nipped, tucked, covered in beads and lying supine on a beach. How, oh how, can my beloved Team Ass Burgers possibly exist in a world such as this? Surely, Brazilian children will taunt them for their fashion sense... tease them for their built-in blankets... escort them to the border with nothing but a Lady Bic and a thong. On the other hand, a really evil waxing scene with grown men screaming like little girls might be worth the trip and then some. *shrugs shoulders* Let's recap, shall we?

Nothing seems to shut her up.

The teams arrive in Zurich and now it's a race to get the earliest flight to Brazil. Team Globetrotter books a British Airways flight departing at 7:30 AM while Team Christ and Team Pee Pee are told that the earliest flight departs at 5:40 PM. Out of the corner of their eye, Zev & Justin see the Globetrotters leaving the British Airways ticket counter and decide to see what the Globetrotters have discovered. It turns out that the British Airways ticket agent is quite the Chatty Cathy. I'm going to call him Sven. Sven tells Team Ass Burgers that he just sold their tall black friends tickets on the 7:30 flight. Zev & Justin quietly book the same flight and then slink away to hide out at the gate before anyone else can see them. Team Globetrotter, however, lingers suspiciously where Team Christ and Team Pee Pee are making reservations on the 5:40 flight. Flight Time looks at Big Easy and pulls his ear. Big Easy looks back and scratches his nose. Flight Time takes a neon flag out of his ass and waves his above his head. Big Easy lights a pair of giant sparklers and goes running through the terminal shouting, "We got an earlier flight! We got an earlier flight!" Music blared, sirens sang, Sven, wearing hot pants and knee high boots, shouted "Whoop! Whoop!" and basically that's all she wrote. Everyone is now on the same flight.
Way to keep a secret guys.

Zooom! Splooge! Kerplunk! Brazil! White sandy beaches, cerulean blue water, women with strings up their asses... teams deplane and race through the terminal to secure their cabs. The Globetrotters get Father Time as their cab driver while that broken record Mallory alternately claps and cheers to her cabbie, "Faster, faster... Yayyyy! Faster, faster... Yayyy!" Seriously, someone unplug her. Anyhow, all the teams save the Globetrotters arrive at the tram where Justin tries to shove money in the tram drivers pants to make him depart early. Kisha yanks on Jen's shirt to make her sit down while Mallory grabs an outside seat and starts waving frantically to the trees. "Yayyy trees! Hi tree! Bye tree! Yayyy trees!" *sharpens blade* The music swells as the Globetrotters arrive seconds after the tram departs. It turns out the next tram doesn't leave for another 30 minutes! I'm sure they're lovely and hysterical in person, but I really want to the Globetrotters to lose this leg. I don't trust them and I want my boys (Zev & Justin) free and clear of any outside evils that could affect their game play. Fingers crossed the upcoming challenge is a "Hairiest Man In Brazil" contest.

The teams arrive at Eleganza Extravaganza where not only does Justin find the route marker tile first, but we discover that he speaks high school Spanish with a French accent. I guess you could call it Spench. It's a delightful little language where throaty R's replace rolly R's and the last consonant of every Spanish word is merely but a memory. I'm sure someone somewhere understands it. Maybe someone from the land of Spencistan or Spencikovia. Let's just hope a Brazilian, who speaks Portuguese, understands it. That's all that really matters. Anyhow, the tile says to head to Largo de Sao Francisco where teams will encounter a Road Block: Who's not afraid of shaking in their boots? Team members must dress in wild Carnival costumes and learn to dance the Samba. Once they learn the dance, they'll lead a parade of people through the streets where a mean ole grumpy lady will decide whether or not they've danced to the rhythm of the music. Since Justin has already done 5 Road Blocks, it's now Zev's turn to compete. Dressed like an Amazonian tribe leader, Zev and his spindly legs try to find the beat while an enthusiastic Justin cheers him on from the sidelines - "A million dollars baby! You look like a million dollars!" (drink)

Then, that ball of blonde Mallory pulled up and I died a little bit inside. She clicked her heels, jutted her top row of teeth out as far as they would go and woohoo'd her way to the dressing room. Dancing is her most favorite thing to do! She's been doing it for 85 years and it's on the stage where she feels most at home. Grrrreat. When she emerged covered in burlap and feathers, I heated up a rusty spoon over a lonely candle and proceeded to inject myself with Windex. Sure, I may be talking with a lisp and I'm not able to feel my fingers anymore, but it was worth it for those few seconds where I was unconscious. Had I seen Mallory samba-ing through the streets with her jazz hands and her little leg kicks, I would've been rendered infertile and my dream to populate the Earth with bratty little Lala's would have been over. Yes, I think it's best I didn't see her swivel her hips and wave her arms over her head like a fucking psycho. There's no telling what I would have done. (2 words: Pipe. Bomb.) Anyhow, she passed. Ugh.

Zev tries the Samba next and it looks a little bit like a rooster hiccuping. A herky jerky celebration of delights if you will. One foot went this-a-way, one arm went that-a-way, his knees went entirely another way altogether and that bitch lady on the throne fails him and sends him back to the start. Meanwhile, Mallory has already changed her clothes and is heading to her next clue at Copacabana. Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl... Team Pee Pee arrives at the Road Block and the stress level for Team Ass Burgers triples. Justin tries to stay positive by yelling dance tips to Zev, "Be smooth!", "Feel the beat!" (drink), "Loosen up!", but we all kind of knew in that moment that Zev was in trouble. First, he hates noise. Second, he hates crowds. C) He can't dance. Add all of those up and we've got a little problem on our hands. I poured myself a double tall gin, poked my Mallory voodoo doll in between the eyes and hoped for the best. At this point, Kisha is dressed and beginning her Samba lesson. Did you see how high she did that side kick thingie? That was right out of West Side Story!

OK so now Mallory is at Copacabana music and fashion were always the passion... and she reads the next clue. All team members, male and female, must endure a Brazilian waxing session. When they are finished with the 15 minute process, they'll get their next clue. Mallory plops down on the table, lifts her arms above her head and, in a not so subtle way, tells us and her father that she's been waxed everywhere before. You don't say that in front of your dad! In front of a potential suitor, sure, but not your dad! Anyhow, Mallory lays lifeless (if only) while Gary scrunches up his face and howls like a wolf. The chest part seemed to hurt the most so I smiled really big and thought fondly of those two chuckleheads, Zev and Justin. Lovely, hairy Zev & Justin. Hundreds of thousands of tiny little follicles all over their bodies. *claps hands* Awesome!

Back at the Samba line, Zev is failed by that devil bitch in red again and I started to freak out a little. Justin furrows his brow and wonders what he can do to help. There's only one thing he can do and that's dance. Dance! Fists shaking like maracas, ass wiggling to the beat... that boy danced his little heart out. Why, oh why, isn't he doing this challenge?! This sucks! Kisha takes her turn down the parade route next and bim, bam, boom - she sticks the landing and passes. Jen squeals with excitement and off they go to get a cab. Justin continues urging Zev to feel the vibe (drink) and then, out of nowhere, those pesky Globetrotters arrive. I cursed all that was holy in that moment. Profanities and liquor bottles went flying. My dog scurried under the bed. For a second, I thought the Ass Burgers might never finish, but then I remembered the promo clip of the waxing that I've been watching and rewatching all week so I knew they'd finish eventually. The only question is when?

Back at the salon, Gary & Mallory have just finished their waxing and now it's time for a Detour: On The Rocks or On The Beach. In On The Rocks, teams make their way to a local bar where they have to learn to make a Caipirinha and then flawlessly make 100 of them. In On The Beach, teams have to carry a giant umbrella of bikinis, get people to model them and then sell about $60 worth. Gary & Mallory choose On The Rocks. Back at the samba line, Big Easy is learning the dance and Zev is making his third attempt. "Have fun with it!" Justin advises. I did the Mallory-sign-of-the-cross and held my breath. With gusto and zeal, Zev marches down the road. Fists pumping, elbows swinging, kick, kick... YES!!! He passes! Justin grabs Zev by the head and says, "I'm so proud of you man," Awww. Tear. Precious. Is it waxing time yet?

Gary & Mallory arrive at On The Rocks and the Caipirinha looks like a major pain in the ass. Take 5 limes and 3.18 scoops of sugar. Muddle the sugar and lime 18.66 times counterclockwise, pour in some sort of liquor, do a backflip and voila! Mallory tries to make one but forgets to muddle. Gary makes his attempt, but does his backflip before pouring the liquor. 100 is a long ways away which is a good thing because Big Easy just finished the dance and Team Ass Burgers is lost.

Team Pee Pee begins the waxing and it's a sisterly lovefest of armpit jokes and Kisha's lovely lilting laugh. Meanwhile, Justin is scrambling and trying to get directions to the salon. "Dohn-day ess-tah la Copa-caba-nawhn? Ess-per-awhn! Ah dohn-dawhn? Ah-kee? Merci. Au revoir! Bon appetit!" And then he flicked his cigarette and tipped his beret at a helpful passerby. Later he'll have a croissant and scowl at the wind.

Both Team Pee Pee and Team Globetrotter finish their waxing and choose On The Rocks, but who cares about that? Do you know what time it is? *menacing music plays* It's time to skin the Yeti! Way back in week one I discovered Justin's man sweater peeking out of the back of his wetsuit. It was just a glimpse, but I saw it and I documented it. Since then, word has spread like wildfire. It's a meme now. Message boards have debated it, websites have been devoted to it and I'm sure someone somewhere has played Photoshop with it. But now, my friends, together we shall see it violently ripped from his body. Yes, Justin is very nice and, yes, he's super supportive, but nevermind all that. What is about to happen is my denouement. It ties everything up with a pretty bow and makes it all worthwhile. Let us begin...

An anonymous woman with a glint in her dark eyes peers out from behind a mask and generously spreads the caramel colored wax up and down Justin's leg. She smiles to herself behind the mask, plants her feet firmly on the ground, grips the edges of the dried wax with two hands and without a word RIPS THAT BITCH OFF with a fervor I can't describe. A cry pierces the silence and somewhere a dog turned it's head. Zev hears the massacre on the next table and looks up at his own faceless torturer with frightened eyes. With one hand she pushes his head back and with the other she slowly rrrrrrrips the hairs off his chest. It was so eee-vil. That bitch was milking it, I'm telling you. Justin whimpers and cries for Kelly Clarkson while Zev yells at the woman to "Just do it already!" At home I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

The other teams began to make their drinks at On The Rocks, but the Ass Burgers remained prisoners in this house of hell. Zev starts sparring with the lady about to do his armpits while Justin snarls at the woman moving towards his chest. I began to worry for her safety as we've all come to know how suddenly that violent streak of Justin's can appear. She tears the wax off his chest and, just like I predicted, he threatens to punch her in the face. He wonders aloud what the penalty is for knocking her out cold while I wondered why the lady stopped at only two patches on his chest. I want my money back. Why wasn't his stomach waxed? Flight Time had his stomach waxed. That's not fair.

Alright, so all the teams are busy making drinks while Team Ass Burgers decides to sell bikinis on the beach. I scratched my head at this choice because what are the chances of a woman already wearing a bikini wanting to buy another bikini? But then Justin started speaking Spench again and it was all ok. "Por fa-vawhn! Comp-rawhn para veinte doe-lar-awhn?" Women looked at him quizzically while Zev struggled to keep the bikinis from falling in the sand. In desperation, Justin drops to his knees and begs ladies to buy his wares. They manage to convince a woman with a blurred butt, but the lazy bitch wouldn't get up to try on the swimsuit. It's not looking good for the boys and I began to reflect on the ominous clip at the beginning of the show.

Back at On The Rocks, Gary & Mallory finish and I said a lot of words (shitdick) that I am much too ladylike to say here. They head to the Pit Stop and with every smile and squint that eeked out of Mallory, I cringed and bit my tongue (asshat). They are now in the final three. Dammit! I think they won something, but who cares? Mallory is happy and that rapes my soul. Team Pee Pee finishes in second and I'm psyched for them. Justin hooked me up with those ladies early on in the season and I'm glad he did. They're delightful and that Jen has a potty mouth on her like you wouldn't believe. The girl curses like a sailor so yeah, of course we get along.

In the meantime, Team Ass Burgers makes the decision to switch Detours and my heart sank. It was a decision that had to be made, but I just didn't see any way of them catching up. What was kind of amazing though was how they smiled throughout the whole thing making jokes til the very end. Not many teams would have continued in that manner and I think that says a lot about those guys. What sucks is that Justin was really good at making those drinks. He looked like a natural behind the bar. *sigh* So, it is with great regret that we have to say goodbye to Team Ass Burgers. A couple of years ago I sent Justin a link to my blog and asked him to please not be offended that I labeled them Team Ass Burgers. In response, he sent me a picture of a girl with a cheeseburger in her ass and I've been torturing him online ever since. He's been my number one supporter for all things TAR and I'm almost positive his entire family comprises 75% of my readership. So, thank you Kanew clan and thank you Justin for all of your support. Stay hairy and please name your future children Ford and Focus.

Alright. As Gary & Mallory were the first to arrive, they are now the first to depart. Fly to Miami bitches and let's end this madness! The teams must fly more than 4000 miles to Miami and make their way to some marina to find their next clue. The plane touches down and it's a mad dash through the terminal. Team Pee Pee and Team Globetrotter find a cab with no problem at all while Mallory stands on the curb and screams at the top of her lungs, "We're in a race! We're in a race!" Eventually, Gary manages to shove her in the back of a cab where she then begins to scream at a window, "Please sir please!" And, in some divine sort of intervention, Team Christ is dealt the worst cab driver in all of cab driver history. Mallory tries to explain to him that they're in a race for a lot of money, but either the guy is unimpressed or it's his first day on the job and he doesn't know which one is the brake and which one is the gas.

Teams Pee Pee and Globetrotter arrive at the clue and it's a Road Block. Team members have to master a complex series of hand levers on a forklift and transfer a rinky dink little boat to a rack while trying to avoid catastrophe (i.e. dropping the boat and smashing it into tiny little pieces). Kisha and Flight Time do the task and Flight Time has a little bit of an advantage. It turns out he used to work at Wal-Mart where he was the forklift guy. Kisha's got her game face on though and no matter how many times Big Easy yells "Drop it Kisha!" from the sidelines, she parks her boat succesfully and is instructed to go to the Undersea Lodge at Key Largo and find their next clue.

Meanwhile, Gary & Mallory are still stuck in the back of the cab probably half way to Orlando by now. Their driver is texting god knows who and Mallory's hand is cramping up from making the sign of the cross too many times. Eventually, they make it to the Road Block where Gary does the challenge and Mallory reminds us that she's been on this godforesaken show for 20 episodes. 20 episodes?!? That's like an entire season of Gossip Girl. That doesn't even seem humanly possible. Race, race, race, Team Globetrotter arrives at the Undersea Lodge and instructs their cab driver to go get gas now while they're doing the challenge. I hate to admit it, but that was a smart move. Checking the gas tank should be the second thing these teams do when entering a cab. The first thing being getting a cab driver who knows his right from his left - ya hear me Mallory?

And now we arrive at yet another Road Block. Teams have to take charge of a personal submarine thing known as a bob dive and travel through a school of mermaids looking for a clue hidden in a floating treasure chest. As cool as a school of mermaids sounds, that Undersea Lodge looked way sketchy. The water was murky, it looked like it was the middle of nowhere and I swear I saw track marks on that blonde mermaid. Jen and Big Easy take the plunge and here is where we find out just how awesome Jen is. Remember how miserable she did in the water back on her original season? Well, it turns out that she's been taking swimming lessons specifically for the Amazing Race. I love that! I love that she knew it was her downfall in her original season and took the time to correct it for this new season. I've always said that if you can't swim or aren't prepared to skydive, you should not go on the Amazing Race. I think I'm also going to add "If you cheerlead within an inch of your life, you should not go on the Amazing Race."

So into the water they go... past floating hypodermic needles, used condoms and something that looked like a three-headed fish. Big Easy finds his clue first while Jen plows through the mermaids and tries not to panic. Eventually, she finds her clue and teams are now instructed to find the Mile 29 Marker. Gary & Mallory arrive at the Undersea Lodge and it's all wonder and delight for Mallory. Not only does she think the mermaids are real, but she wonders if there's a talking lobster hiding somewhere too. Meanwhile, Team Pee Pee arrives at the clue box and are instructed to walk across the ocean and find the tallest tree where they'll get their next clue. It sounds easy, but the water was at a height where running was impossible and the wind could actually topple you over at any moment. Team Globetrotter arrives right behind the girls and it was so strange because their main concern seemed to be not getting their shorts wet. Who cares about your damn shorts? We're talking a million dollars here! Sure, it's only like $100 afer taxes, but still...

Team Pee Pee get to the tree first and now they have to ride a high speed boat to Marathon Marina. Once there, they'll travel on foot to a trailer park. Now, I love boats and I choose my friends based on whether or not they own boats, so riding on a boat (even if it is to a trailer park) sounded delightful to me. It turns out that this boat is the furthest thing from delightful. This boat was the devil's boat. Those girls were bouncing and rocking and clanging their heads together with such violence that I'm sure they emerged covered in bruises and with broken tail bones. Back at the mermaid thing, Mallory finishes up and Gary has lost all his patience for his idiot cab driver. He shouts that the guy should know where things is since he lives there. It was actually nice to see Gary lose his cool like that. I'd like to see Mallory lose her cool and unfurl a string of profanities - just once!

Race, race, race, Team Pee Pee arrives at the scariest trailer park known to man and I wondered if they'd have to make up a quick batch of meth for their next challenge. It turns out they don't have to cook up the Crank and instead they have to wheel a trailer onto a lot, hook it up to the local utilities and then set up a little trailer life that matches a photo they've been given. Some unsavory locals observed from a nearby "plot" (you can't call it a yard so I guess you call it a plot) and I wondered how popular the klan was in Florida. A funny lady with a giant beehive named Ms. Rose oversaw the challenge and only when she started joking around with the Globetrotters did I relax about the whole klan thing. Ms. Rose is that crazy aunt who wears bright orange lipstick and makes ambrosia salad. You invite her to your family functions out of obligation, but she steals all your prescription pills and fondles your boyfriend inappropriately... or so I'm guessing.

Team Pee Pee and Team Globetrotter get to work on the trailers and you wouldn't think it was difficult, but the wind was a'crazy that day my friends. The canopy wouldn't stick, the fence kept toppling over and good luck keeping any napkins on the table. Ms. Rose, it turns out, is a difficult lady to please as she keeps rejecting both teams trailer set-ups. Eventually, Team Pee Pee figures out that their ketchup and mustard aren't aligned right and Ms. Rose gives them their clue. I got a feeling that Ms. Rose didn't really want to give it to them at all. She had eyes for the Globetrotters and deep down inside she was rooting for them. Gary & Mallory arrive and it's just a whole lot more of the usual... squeal, screech, guffaw. Shut up!

Kisha & Jen take off and it's straight to the 7 Mile Bridge they go. It turns out the 7 Mile Bridge really is 7 miles and teams have to bicycle their way across it in order to collect the million dollar prize. Phil and CBS promised a "photo finish", but they lied. It wasn't a photo finish at all. It was Kisha & Jen kicking all types of ass and fighting through the pain to victory. Those girls dug deep. They pedaled and pedaled their little hearts out. They fought the wind, the cold and every negative thought that came into their head. So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that TEAM PEE PEE HAS WON THE AMAZING RACE: UNFINISHED BUSINESS!!!! *glitter falls from the sky* Cool and steady to the end, Kisha & Jen deserve that prize. They didn't cheat, they didn't steal answers and, most importantly, they didn't drive us crazy. When they looked at each other in those final moments and said, "We did it," this heartless bitch shed a tear. It was so cool and I'm thrilled for them. Congratulations Kisha & Jen. Much to the dismay of evil Team Viper (did you see their faces?!), you are the second all female team in Amazing Race history to win the prize!

So, what did you guys think of this season? Are you happy with the way it ended? Was the waxing scene the best scene in Amazing Race history? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a little love. If you're a Big Brother fan, be sure to check out my Bitchy Big Brother Blog for BB13 where things not only get scandalous, but evil. It's no holds barred and I'm not even close to 1/10 as nice as I am here. See you this summer!

This post first appeared on Bitchy Amazing Race, please read the originial post: here

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I'm Going To Punch You In The Face!


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